How my depression/suicidal thoughts feel

[Life.Journey.Unknown]

I've just woke up. I never know how I'm going to feel. Some moments I feel ok. Other moments I'm sad and distraught.
I'm just a mess today.
Knowing I have to drag myself through another day. I'm so tearful. I hate this.

I have a cold wave of dread and depression come over me. My stomach has a horrible feeling of anxiety, worry. Sometimes I try to make myself sick because the contractions of my stomach seem to make the physical feeling of anxiety go away.

I feel so empty. No motivation or enthusiasm. I just want to hide away. Somedays I need to go out to work. I hate those days.

I'm in such a mess writing this. All tears.
I had an amazing friend who I loved and she made me so happy. But she had her own recovery journey that she needed to make her better. She needed to go her own way for her own mental health. And I respect that fully. I will always love her and wish her the best.
We aren't in contact anymore and I'm so alone and empty. More so than I've ever felt in my life.

For years I've been suicidal. Always struggling with life. The only reason I'm still here is for my mum who would be distraught if anything happened to me.
I can't make her feel heartbreak and loss like I'm going through now.
So I drag myself through each day.
No-one sees me how I am now - the crying, the deep sadness and hopelessness.

I know that everything will all get too much for me and I will have to be selfish and just "shut my life down". Because I can't keep waking up like this, dragging myself through more days and heartbreak. Only to wake up the next morning and go through it all again.

 

[FuneralCry]

Living really is so depressing and painful, and I am also tired of waking up. I hope that you find relief from your suffering as none of us should ever have to endure such agony.

 

[DragonSlayer]

It really is hard. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling like this

 

[青い青い海となれ]

I feel u so much bro I want to hug u rn! I know very well how it feels every single word u wrote and u not a mess dont worry.
Your profile description caught me off guard "I'm not strong enough for life." That's what I always keep saying, I'm not made for life I just wanna put an end

Anyway I hope we both find the courage one day to be selfish and finally think at our happiness first

 

[Life.Journey.Unknown]

Thank you all for the kind words. It gave me comfort when I was feeling so low. I wish you all strength too

 

[ForeverLonely82]

I feel this. I suffer from acute anxiety disorder, panic disorder, PTSD and Bi Polar depression. I hate waking up everyday because it's always the same mundane life I live. I just try to get by. Anxiety takes hold which always seems to result in a panic attack. in my head too much and yearning for things that I desire in which will never happen. I get the crying. I used to cry more than the average man would, but my tears have ran dry only alcohol will bring them when I need to let go. I've always said not everyone is destined for greatness and not made to live this life. People procreate without thinking of how that child is and how they feel, instead they just get brownie points for having kids while not thinking about the needs of the child while they grow. Parents jobs are to set up their child for success, but they rarely do. This is why I never pro created and won't. Why bring a child into this world to suffer the same conditions I suffer from? why bring something into the world to deal with the BS of society where saying the wrong thing can get you in a large amount of trouble. Our parents never thought of this and they should have. I've told my parents my disdain for their decision with having me. I hate it here. I don't want to be here. Life may have been swell for them, but has been shit for people like us who want so much out of life but due to the way society is and the hex we carry over our heads will NEVER obtain it. "We brought you into the world out of love!" Fuck you, the reason you wanted me is to claim me on your taxes and brownie points from this cancerous society. Ugh. Sorry for ranting. Your rant sparked me to make my own.

 

[Suicideorgy]

You mind if I sort of pile on my own experience?

For me the suicidal depression is just a bottomless pit and the walls are slippery. You start climbing out, say you are watching a youtube video and the rare time you get enjoyment out of one, you start to laugh, then mid laugh a whisper comes up and says, hey, you should kill yourself, etc and your mood drops like a rock and your back at the bottom of the endless pit.

Its obviously not a real whisper, just an emotion.