TL;DR: CAMHS forced me to take pills. False imprisonment in mental ward. Severe bullying. Agoraphobia. Cognitive impairment. Lost my emotions. No empathy. Bedridden. Everyone took my emotions for granted. Left with childhood trauma. Brain-dead. 12 months ongoing. Can't handle myself or this life. I'm trapped.
Not sure how to do this because of how cognitively impaired I am. Things never used to be this way, unfortunately trauma but a lot of silly things to your life. I'm talking deep-seated childhood trauma that was never resolved despite being underneath the child and adolescent mental health service (CAMHS)
If you don't know who they are they are an NHS provided service for children who are awaiting diagnosis, for children who are needing support with their disability, for children with mental health problems. This sounds innocent enough, but it isn't.
This mental health service contributed to my development of complex post-traumatic stress disorder, and it took to the age of 21 when I was finally able to afford a private psychiatric assessment to understand why medication never helped me. Why it was for after being continuously forced to take medication against my will and against my parents will, why none of this pulled me out of my severe agoraphobia, my age regression, my lack of self-confidence, that continues unto this day.
What CAMHS instead did, was sweep my problems underneath a rug, because in the UK you're not paying these doctors, so it means less money coming out of their pockets if they deny you access to specialised care you need. TRAUMA THERAPY.
In fact I spoken to PALS after taking this up as a complaint, what did they say after I told them that I was never treated for childhood trauma? "Well it could have just been hormones, so it's important to let the child grow up first before diagnosing them with something as severe as PTSD".
Which is utterly disgraceful and alarming as so many children like myself could have gone under the rug and left to deal with trauma on their own. My trauma was caused by social services being dumped on my family because of all the rumours neighbours and extended family members had over us. It was caused by being micro managed by their services for 3 years, battling and battling, despite there being abusive families all around us who needed their support.
And it was also caused by the severe bullying I endured in school, because back then autism was not understood, still isn't understood not in this town. The teachers didn't want to look after a special needs kid, and so the bullying was ignored. My education care plan was never put in place. It made me so sick I became fearful of entering the school premises, and didn't make the teachers any less caring.
Imagine being physically dragged to school by teachers? Your parents can't do anything. They are powerless. And then the teachers YELL at you as they march you over to the school building, over and over, while CAMHS dismisses your issues as paranoia and threatens to lock you up in a mental ward. Which they eventually did.
On what grounds? False diagnosis of psychosis. False diagnosis of anorexia. It took until after being sectioned for 6-weeks, for CAMHS to acknowledge the errors in diagnosis and determine that I haven't got any signs of psychosis.
And the anorexia? Took until seeing my last therapist, for him to say, "oh, you never starved yourself it was a high metabolism after all".
This isn't all they did to screw up my head. When I was in the mental ward I was force fed for 6-weeks, made to eat more than I can handle...
Whenever I asked if I could go home, the woman in charge kept on saying that was physically unhealthy to go home. None of them wanted to acknowledge my heigh metabolism, amusingly at the age of 22, my height and weight are still the same as they were when I was forced into the mental ward. 5ft 1 and 41kg.
Here's one of the worst things that happened, whenever I had an appointment with my GP, she kept on force me to stand on the scales and have my weight checked. It always ended in disappointment, because I weren't able to keep the weight on as much as they wanted me to. And when I left the mental ward, my weight dropped 1 kg, and this freaked out the doctor's surgery. 1 kg, a high metabolism that they didn't want to look at, and so it was a red flag.
I asked my new GP, if being my weight now, would render me anorexic to the point I would need to be forced into a mental ward. She gave me no comment.
When I had negative reactions to medication, like Quetiapine and Risperidone, none of the psychiatrist or my GP were there to help me wean off medication. On one instance I took quetiapine, CAMHS put me on an adult dose without informing anyone. It was a mistake to be placed on an adult dose a minor, so when it kept making me pass out for hours at a time, my parents were fast to question them.
I became too anxious to continue on the medication (medication I didn't need mind you) but CAMHS never helped me, so cold turkey it was. Just like what happened with Risperidone.
But anyway the reason why I am giving you my back story, is because of how this all links into how I have now lost my emotions, an untreated brain tumour, and I've been stuck in a ditch for 12 months now.
Aside from that, do you know how painful it is to be THIS self aware and not being able to do a single thing about it? I remember who I was... my heightened empathy was what made me dream of becoming a therapist... used to enjoy messing around and being a big kid... but now..? I can't do much else than spend every day in my bed rotting. It's just too much, and I don't like it.
I can't smile or feel love or do things to make others happy. Had to stop my driving lessons, dropped out of college, because when your reward centre is broken you don't want to do ANYTHING..
Just to think, everyone took me for granted from a young age. It didn't matter how many doors I politely held open, how many smiles I gave people, how many times I would stay up and offer advice to those in need, it didn't matter how hard I loved...
People took me for granted. I spent more time isolated and agoraphobic than having anyone beside me.
It's been 12 months, the story is more complicated than this, but I just don't want to take up too much of anyone's time. Let's just say... the thought of suicide doesn't sound so scary anymore. Despite how normal I might look on the outside, my cognitive function has gone down the drain and I'm no longer anywhere close to who I originally was. Those parts of me are dead.
EDIT: made a few typos. Correcting them.
Not sure how to do this because of how cognitively impaired I am. Things never used to be this way, unfortunately trauma but a lot of silly things to your life. I'm talking deep-seated childhood trauma that was never resolved despite being underneath the child and adolescent mental health service (CAMHS)
If you don't know who they are they are an NHS provided service for children who are awaiting diagnosis, for children who are needing support with their disability, for children with mental health problems. This sounds innocent enough, but it isn't.
This mental health service contributed to my development of complex post-traumatic stress disorder, and it took to the age of 21 when I was finally able to afford a private psychiatric assessment to understand why medication never helped me. Why it was for after being continuously forced to take medication against my will and against my parents will, why none of this pulled me out of my severe agoraphobia, my age regression, my lack of self-confidence, that continues unto this day.
What CAMHS instead did, was sweep my problems underneath a rug, because in the UK you're not paying these doctors, so it means less money coming out of their pockets if they deny you access to specialised care you need. TRAUMA THERAPY.
In fact I spoken to PALS after taking this up as a complaint, what did they say after I told them that I was never treated for childhood trauma? "Well it could have just been hormones, so it's important to let the child grow up first before diagnosing them with something as severe as PTSD".
Which is utterly disgraceful and alarming as so many children like myself could have gone under the rug and left to deal with trauma on their own. My trauma was caused by social services being dumped on my family because of all the rumours neighbours and extended family members had over us. It was caused by being micro managed by their services for 3 years, battling and battling, despite there being abusive families all around us who needed their support.
And it was also caused by the severe bullying I endured in school, because back then autism was not understood, still isn't understood not in this town. The teachers didn't want to look after a special needs kid, and so the bullying was ignored. My education care plan was never put in place. It made me so sick I became fearful of entering the school premises, and didn't make the teachers any less caring.
Imagine being physically dragged to school by teachers? Your parents can't do anything. They are powerless. And then the teachers YELL at you as they march you over to the school building, over and over, while CAMHS dismisses your issues as paranoia and threatens to lock you up in a mental ward. Which they eventually did.
On what grounds? False diagnosis of psychosis. False diagnosis of anorexia. It took until after being sectioned for 6-weeks, for CAMHS to acknowledge the errors in diagnosis and determine that I haven't got any signs of psychosis.
And the anorexia? Took until seeing my last therapist, for him to say, "oh, you never starved yourself it was a high metabolism after all".
This isn't all they did to screw up my head. When I was in the mental ward I was force fed for 6-weeks, made to eat more than I can handle...
Whenever I asked if I could go home, the woman in charge kept on saying that was physically unhealthy to go home. None of them wanted to acknowledge my heigh metabolism, amusingly at the age of 22, my height and weight are still the same as they were when I was forced into the mental ward. 5ft 1 and 41kg.
Here's one of the worst things that happened, whenever I had an appointment with my GP, she kept on force me to stand on the scales and have my weight checked. It always ended in disappointment, because I weren't able to keep the weight on as much as they wanted me to. And when I left the mental ward, my weight dropped 1 kg, and this freaked out the doctor's surgery. 1 kg, a high metabolism that they didn't want to look at, and so it was a red flag.
I asked my new GP, if being my weight now, would render me anorexic to the point I would need to be forced into a mental ward. She gave me no comment.
When I had negative reactions to medication, like Quetiapine and Risperidone, none of the psychiatrist or my GP were there to help me wean off medication. On one instance I took quetiapine, CAMHS put me on an adult dose without informing anyone. It was a mistake to be placed on an adult dose a minor, so when it kept making me pass out for hours at a time, my parents were fast to question them.
I became too anxious to continue on the medication (medication I didn't need mind you) but CAMHS never helped me, so cold turkey it was. Just like what happened with Risperidone.
But anyway the reason why I am giving you my back story, is because of how this all links into how I have now lost my emotions, an untreated brain tumour, and I've been stuck in a ditch for 12 months now.
Aside from that, do you know how painful it is to be THIS self aware and not being able to do a single thing about it? I remember who I was... my heightened empathy was what made me dream of becoming a therapist... used to enjoy messing around and being a big kid... but now..? I can't do much else than spend every day in my bed rotting. It's just too much, and I don't like it.
I can't smile or feel love or do things to make others happy. Had to stop my driving lessons, dropped out of college, because when your reward centre is broken you don't want to do ANYTHING..
Just to think, everyone took me for granted from a young age. It didn't matter how many doors I politely held open, how many smiles I gave people, how many times I would stay up and offer advice to those in need, it didn't matter how hard I loved...
People took me for granted. I spent more time isolated and agoraphobic than having anyone beside me.
It's been 12 months, the story is more complicated than this, but I just don't want to take up too much of anyone's time. Let's just say... the thought of suicide doesn't sound so scary anymore. Despite how normal I might look on the outside, my cognitive function has gone down the drain and I'm no longer anywhere close to who I originally was. Those parts of me are dead.
EDIT: made a few typos. Correcting them.
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