How much longer is it worth holding on for?

[disappearingx]

I'm not terribly old but not terribly young either. I struggled with mental health/illness for as long as I can remember and had thoughts of ctb for well over half my life. But for as long as I've dealt with it, I continued to hold on for some reason. I threw myself into my life's work, I tried desperately hard to rebuild a social life, I tried to actually live my life and enjoy it, but no matter what I just still feel empty or the world stops at nothing to bring me down and kick me while I'm down. I haven't felt anything other than intense agony or terrified anymore and it physically hurts to exist. But even through all of this I'm afraid to finally let go, even when people/therapists say they don't know how to help me anymore I can't just let it happen. Is there any reason for this? Why can't i just let myself finally ctb after years of waiting?

 

[meetapple]

Your story resonates with me. I feel similar to you. What it comes down to for me is that if there is a probability no matter how small that I can improve my situation then I can't commit to CTB.

This means that I can never CTB no matter how bad things get because I have always felt like there was a chance of improvement. Perhaps the reason you hold on is a different reason like being afraid of hurting loved ones or just simple SI. There are threads here for overcoming SI.

There is not much more I can say but that I empathize with you.

 

[Julgran]

I tried to actually live my life and enjoy it, but no matter what I just still feel empty or the world stops at nothing to bring me down and kick me while I'm down.

I sinccerely regret your circumstances. However, keep in mind that bad things that keep happening in life after the first bad thing, may feel increasingly bad, or even overpowering, so if you don't have any end-of-life plans right now, keep holding on

 

[Crazy4u]

The answer depends on you. How comfortable/uncomfortable are you? This is 100% your choice but IMO, CTB makes more sense if:

- There are no solutions/options available
- Life is so hard/unbearable
- It is not an impulse decision. CTB is planned in a calm and rational manner
- The person is 100% sure they want to CTB

I don't know what you struggle with but I wish your life gets better

 

[Samsara]

I'm in the same boat; I too have wanted to die more often than I've wanted to live throughout my life. Have tried hanging countless times but can't seem to find the sweet spot. SN is arriving soon and I'm hoping this is my last year, though I've lost faith in my ability to ctb after so many failed attempts

 

[Lost Magic]

If you are young and you still have people that love you, I think there is still a chance. If you feel jaded with life and have lost everything, like me, then holding on doesn't feel too hopeful. I had my shot at it and life failed me and I failed at life. My days are numbered.

 

[sanction]

If you are young and you still have people that love you, I think there is still a chance. If you feel jaded with life and have lost everything, like me, then holding on doesn't feel too hopeful. I had my shot at it and life failed me and I failed at life. My days are numbered.

I feel you my friend. I feel very drained from life, and pretty much lost everything. The future feels colorless. Whats worst is still also need to stress about money and survival everyday, while slowly rotting away in this empty and pointless existence. Its a speechless torture

 

[Lost Magic]

I feel you my friend. I feel very drained from life, and pretty much lost everything. The future feels colorless. Whats worst is still also need to stress about money and survival everyday, while slowly rotting away in this empty and pointless existence. Its a speechless torture

I know exactly how you feel. I cried endlessly yesterday while looking through old photos, evaluating how I ended up here while listening to melancholy music.

 

[sanction]

I know exactly how you feel. I cried endlessly yesterday while looking through old photos, evaluating how I ended up here while listening to melancholy music.

Sorry to hear and hope you're feeling better today. I purposely avoid a lot of past memories in certain ways to avoid extreme nostalgia and then being sad and missing the past simpler days like crazy, and then it fucks up my day. I can totally forsee if I end up not CTB-ing for a while or long enough time, and then years later I'll have certain flashbacks of the past, which by that point will be even many more years later, and then just feel super sad and cry like crazy

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide is very difficult as we are all programmed to survive. There are many reasons as to why people are unable to go through with it. I have wanted to die for many years but yet I am still here. I lack a peaceful/reliable method and there is the fear of failure. After all, existence is all we know and we cannot comprehend what it is like to not exist. Personally I look forward to non existence, I just wish it was easier to get there. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[VKVK]

I'm not terribly old but not terribly young either. I struggled with mental health/illness for as long as I can remember and had thoughts of ctb for well over half my life. But for as long as I've dealt with it, I continued to hold on for some reason. I threw myself into my life's work, I tried desperately hard to rebuild a social life, I tried to actually live my life and enjoy it, but no matter what I just still feel empty or the world stops at nothing to bring me down and kick me while I'm down. I haven't felt anything other than intense agony or terrified anymore and it physically hurts to exist. But even through all of this I'm afraid to finally let go, even when people/therapists say they don't know how to help me anymore I can't just let it happen. Is there any reason for this? Why can't i just let myself finally ctb after years of waiting?

People like you, me and others here are very, very persistent in trying to make things right within their lives due to the nature of SI, even when we have nothing to hold on for. I know for a fact the only reason I haven't gutted my throat yet or planned something more relaxing is because I believe I can only CTB when I have thoroughly exhausted not most, not virtually all, but every single little shitty fragment of a possibility, route or pathway to somehow "get better". I'm not holding onto anything, more like persevering in a intense, eternal firestorm, wandering around looking for some shelter.

So to answer your question, "How much longer is it worth holding on for?", only you alone can know which time is right. I'd also personally advise against impulse CTBs instead of calm, planned ones, but it's not like I myself could trust my own will not to jump off a bridge were I in a... tough spot.

Just do your best, we're all doing our best.

 

[xLosthopex]

I find myself constantly clinging to this tiny shred of hope. The hope that some kind of 'miracle' could occur, even though logically I know it's highly unlikely, I can't seem to shake the thought

 

[Lost Magic]

I find myself constantly clinging to this tiny shred of hope. The hope that some kind of 'miracle' could occur, even though logically I know it's highly unlikely, I can't seem to shake the thought

I know that feeling only too well. It feels like limbo.