Riddles
Member
- Sep 29, 2021
- 79
1.
I was a very confident lady back then when I was in elementary school, but of course developed social anxiety. I wasn't aware of this disorder yet. Then by High School It kicked in, going through 4 years of it. Then I discovered I had the first mental breakdown following from the suicidal thoughts that I had when I was 16. I idealized suicide by jumping through a tall building. What ended up was me, after reading an article on what hell is like --- I drank almost a bottle of Kerosene.
2.
The next attempted suicide I did, this one was sure of me to die, but it was unplanned.. instead they found me quickly. I drank a bottle full of pills that would have sustained me for like 6 months then all I remembered that after that, no need to drink water -- I instantly fell and blacked out unconscious till they found me and took me to the hospital. I was 22 at that time.
3.
The third one was really weird, because it was at the time I was really manic-depressive that I began to have delusions and was in psychosis. I believed that it was the second coming of Christ and I was Jesus. Oh my it was super unpleasant. Then a pastor came to me and did stuff. I was totally thinking that only those who committed suicide can go to heaven that time so I pushed earphones head jack unto my eye and the last thing I saw was me unconscious and my eye that bled unto the bed.
Thankfully, I when I woke up, it totally all felt like a dream, it seemed like it didn't happen and I imagined that someone from our family donated their eyes to mine and did an eye surgery. I just imagined that. I really didn't consider this suicide as intentional for me because I was really out of my head and I was terribly psychotic. I was 22 that time.
A year after, I encountered being in home care but it seemed like a mental hospital for me because they were going to lock you up and just give you food. I remember being confined in the other small "confinement" room that didn't even have a comfort room. It was so weird I found that doctors owned that place.
I'd tell you to never ever go to a mental hospital in the Philippines because this is what it looks like:
Being sent in home care, someplace that also seemed like a semi-mental hospital -- it was better to be sent there rather than those places.
4.
Now everything was all good when 2020 came for me. I found solutions from all my depressive tendencies and I was so glad. Not until I reached the late November 2020 where I had yet another Manic episode and then by February 2021, I had suicidal thoughts again because my social anxiety triggered again and I couldn't fix it yet. I was thinking of jumping off our university's building from the 5th floor but I'm not able to yet. Then May 2021 came and I had an opportunity at another house, I filled my throat with some pills again. But this time, the pills were very limited.
I can tell you that -- swallowing not enough pills could hurt so much you can't stand up straight or your body always keeps falling after waking up and then you go asleep again. I was rushed to the hospital.
Then now, The past days I have been thinking about suicide again.. but up to that point, hanging? the last part I did, it was my 4th attempt.
How bout yours?
I was a very confident lady back then when I was in elementary school, but of course developed social anxiety. I wasn't aware of this disorder yet. Then by High School It kicked in, going through 4 years of it. Then I discovered I had the first mental breakdown following from the suicidal thoughts that I had when I was 16. I idealized suicide by jumping through a tall building. What ended up was me, after reading an article on what hell is like --- I drank almost a bottle of Kerosene.
2.
The next attempted suicide I did, this one was sure of me to die, but it was unplanned.. instead they found me quickly. I drank a bottle full of pills that would have sustained me for like 6 months then all I remembered that after that, no need to drink water -- I instantly fell and blacked out unconscious till they found me and took me to the hospital. I was 22 at that time.
3.
The third one was really weird, because it was at the time I was really manic-depressive that I began to have delusions and was in psychosis. I believed that it was the second coming of Christ and I was Jesus. Oh my it was super unpleasant. Then a pastor came to me and did stuff. I was totally thinking that only those who committed suicide can go to heaven that time so I pushed earphones head jack unto my eye and the last thing I saw was me unconscious and my eye that bled unto the bed.
Thankfully, I when I woke up, it totally all felt like a dream, it seemed like it didn't happen and I imagined that someone from our family donated their eyes to mine and did an eye surgery. I just imagined that. I really didn't consider this suicide as intentional for me because I was really out of my head and I was terribly psychotic. I was 22 that time.
A year after, I encountered being in home care but it seemed like a mental hospital for me because they were going to lock you up and just give you food. I remember being confined in the other small "confinement" room that didn't even have a comfort room. It was so weird I found that doctors owned that place.
I'd tell you to never ever go to a mental hospital in the Philippines because this is what it looks like:
Being sent in home care, someplace that also seemed like a semi-mental hospital -- it was better to be sent there rather than those places.
4.
Now everything was all good when 2020 came for me. I found solutions from all my depressive tendencies and I was so glad. Not until I reached the late November 2020 where I had yet another Manic episode and then by February 2021, I had suicidal thoughts again because my social anxiety triggered again and I couldn't fix it yet. I was thinking of jumping off our university's building from the 5th floor but I'm not able to yet. Then May 2021 came and I had an opportunity at another house, I filled my throat with some pills again. But this time, the pills were very limited.
I can tell you that -- swallowing not enough pills could hurt so much you can't stand up straight or your body always keeps falling after waking up and then you go asleep again. I was rushed to the hospital.
Then now, The past days I have been thinking about suicide again.. but up to that point, hanging? the last part I did, it was my 4th attempt.
How bout yours?
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