I hate my family...they are seflish narcissists. But since I am not a monster I still had worries of how this can affect them even if they don't care in life. However...a recent discussion with one, as every discussion with them does, reminded me the are too fucking egotistical, even with their own mental illnesses, to CTB. They cannot fathom the world without themselves in it and it would NEVER be an option. They will kick to the end even if miserable for decades. Not that I want anyone to CTB ever...but this arrogance and ego infuriates me and keeps them from giving a fuck about me.
I hate my family...they are seflish narcissists. But since I am not a monster I still had worries of how this can affect them even if they don't care in life. However...a recent discussion with one, as every discussion with them does, reminded me the are too fucking egotistical, even with their own mental illnesses, to CTB. They cannot fathom the world without themselves in it and it would NEVER be an option. They will kick to the end even if miserable for decades. Not that I want anyone to CTB ever...but this arrogance and ego infuriates me and keeps them from giving a fuck about me.
Baskol1
No life, no problems
- Aug 11, 2019
- 1,030
I dont know anyone who has commited suicide in my family. So i would probably be the first.
dreamsofdestruction
Everywhere I look is chaos
- May 9, 2019
- 340
None.
I seem to be the only case of depression in my family too.
I seem to be the only case of depression in my family too.
Baskol1
No life, no problems
- Aug 11, 2019
- 1,030
but im not sure if i will really ever commit suicide, only if my life never gets better, or even worse. Maybe i die anyway soon, but probably not.
SinisterKid
Visionary
- Jun 1, 2019
- 2,113
Too many. Lost even more to natural causes and accidents. Its life. At my age, its only to be expected that I would have suffered loss by now. I just really hope that those who are no longer here are having one helluva party somewhere.
Baskol1
No life, no problems
- Aug 11, 2019
- 1,030
The thing is i dont really want to die, just being happy. But i never felt real happiness in life. Well, i never had a happy life. And positive thinking might help sometimes, but my life still sucks.
A close friend ended their own life last year. Before her death she introduced me to this site as they knew that I was struggling mentally too. We had similar traumatic past experiences. It strange to be a member on this site, knowing that they were also a member in the weeks leading up to their death. I miss her terribly
Baskol1
No life, no problems
- Aug 11, 2019
- 1,030
I know she is no longer suffering, but I still can't believe she isn't here anymore. I know I'm being selfish. I just really miss her. She experienced more pain than any human should not have had to endure. I'm glad she found some solace from this site at least.
Baskol1
No life, no problems
- Aug 11, 2019
- 1,030
. Of course it is sad. It would be great nobody had to suffer, so life could be a really a gift. Nobody would be depressed or consider suicide.
Ruffian
Jumpin Jack Flash, it’s a gas gas gas
- Jan 16, 2019
- 696
OMG everyone I totally blocked a friend's suicide out of my mind and I never end up writing about it. I always feel like I'm forgetting someone when I say how many, and it's definitely him. He was in his mid 20s and was a mass shooter/high speed chaser prototype. His mother MADE him into that, and my bestie agrees, because we watched it for years. He was just a sweet, nice guy who withdrew more from the world every year, but if we hung out, I could always get him laughing. His best friend was my first boyfriend, but I became part of a club as a result of that hookup. I was the first girlfriend they liked enough to make an official "freak sister" within their "freak brotherhood." It basically meant I could hang with smoking weed, and I could drink. (Had a a harder time with that one.) I also could comment on music or other suitable high conversations.
Anyway, at about 21 (I was 17-18) he moved to be with his dad, and my boyfriend got stationed there in the Navy. We all wrote back and forth, he seemed much happier, and of course two young guys had a great time pranking me pre Ashton Kutcher. I would get ridiculous phone calls in the middle of the night. My parents loved it.
Then he just disappeared. My boyfriend and I break up, enter the first challenging chapter of my life where I wanted to CTB myself. I'm about 20, still living with my parents, and just quitting every drug. I didn't know anything about rehab, 12 steps, nothing. My health insurance actually helped me find rehab if you can believe that. And it was a good in its own way, but they did some abusive shit to shame me. I digress.
Saturday, my dad hands me the newspaper (yes, we read it with lanterns gathered round in the log cabin "Pa" built,) and says, sorry kid. My old friend, front page news. Went on a very short shooting spree in a public area, but he'd been reported. Security, county, and state police were on his ass in like 5 minutes. He didn't hit anyone thank God. Takes them on a chase, but he manages to shoot and kill 2 before turning the gun on himself, successfully killing himself.
Thank you for letting me write all this out, and double thank you if you read this. I have held this in for years. I remember my dad coming back, as if he were a normal dad, you'd think he would ask me how I felt, give me a hug, and tell me it was ok and I'll be ok. Instead I think he just mumbled some bullshit about what drugs can do and took the paper back.
His bitch mother wouldn't allow us at the funeral. I never got to meet his dad in person even though we had talked on the phone a lot. I never got any closure on him. Then one of the freak brothers was at a different funeral, and accidentally stepped on his grave. I have yet to go. I don't know if it would do anything. His life, and his death, were tragic. One of the police killed was a county dude who always harassed us about hanging out where we shouldn't be, under age drinking, the usual. But you knew you could always go into the woods and outrun them (which we did with one dude a few times) but you always knew if something serious went down, he had your back, The statie I didn't know. I forgot about all this for so long.
I couldn't remember why even though I'm not a fan of law enforcement in general, I try to not have a blanket statement that all cops are bad. Those 2 cops didn't deserve that. I've dealt with the police in many ways, not always good. I don't know how it is everywhere else, so I'll say I'm sorry if things are horrible elsewhere. In my area, maybe because it's an urban area, the police are actually the easiest people to get help from during a mental health crisis. Yes, it's horrible when someone has you committed, but the police are trained to speak with you calmly and make you feel safe. They've had to cuff me a few times, and they always did it front and hung my jacket over it. Not a huge deal, I know, but I'd rather deal with them than some bitchy EMT questioning if you're really suicidal and treating you like shit because she didn't see enough action on your call. Sorry, this call won't make you the obvious hero. I don't call an ambulance for anything anymore. I've taken Uber twice now to the ER.
All I'm saying is there was a chance if the police weren't totally hyped from the chase and just shot him, things may have been different. Or if they shot him to stop him rather than kill him. I think some of us older heads need to get together to see if they knew anyone like this as well. He was a shooter, but he and his sister were turned into something that was a manifestation of their mother's evil. They were made, not born. The daughter is probably still locked up somewhere. Sweet, poor girl. She barely even spoke.
His aunt was my 12th grade English teacher, and I ran into her after the incident. All I could say was Im so sorry and she hugged me and we both cried. It was the end of an era in my life, and it broke up the brotherhood for good. We still speak every so often, but my ex bf became a total prick and we never talk. Only one brother is still close with me, but I've been pushing a lot of people away.
Thanks again, if anyone read this, God Bless You; this place has helped me remember a lot. This is just one of several pretty serious traumas I went through as a young adult. It's definitely the one that had the most impact because I've pretended it never happened my entire adult life.
Anyway, at about 21 (I was 17-18) he moved to be with his dad, and my boyfriend got stationed there in the Navy. We all wrote back and forth, he seemed much happier, and of course two young guys had a great time pranking me pre Ashton Kutcher. I would get ridiculous phone calls in the middle of the night. My parents loved it.
Then he just disappeared. My boyfriend and I break up, enter the first challenging chapter of my life where I wanted to CTB myself. I'm about 20, still living with my parents, and just quitting every drug. I didn't know anything about rehab, 12 steps, nothing. My health insurance actually helped me find rehab if you can believe that. And it was a good in its own way, but they did some abusive shit to shame me. I digress.
Saturday, my dad hands me the newspaper (yes, we read it with lanterns gathered round in the log cabin "Pa" built,) and says, sorry kid. My old friend, front page news. Went on a very short shooting spree in a public area, but he'd been reported. Security, county, and state police were on his ass in like 5 minutes. He didn't hit anyone thank God. Takes them on a chase, but he manages to shoot and kill 2 before turning the gun on himself, successfully killing himself.
Thank you for letting me write all this out, and double thank you if you read this. I have held this in for years. I remember my dad coming back, as if he were a normal dad, you'd think he would ask me how I felt, give me a hug, and tell me it was ok and I'll be ok. Instead I think he just mumbled some bullshit about what drugs can do and took the paper back.
His bitch mother wouldn't allow us at the funeral. I never got to meet his dad in person even though we had talked on the phone a lot. I never got any closure on him. Then one of the freak brothers was at a different funeral, and accidentally stepped on his grave. I have yet to go. I don't know if it would do anything. His life, and his death, were tragic. One of the police killed was a county dude who always harassed us about hanging out where we shouldn't be, under age drinking, the usual. But you knew you could always go into the woods and outrun them (which we did with one dude a few times) but you always knew if something serious went down, he had your back, The statie I didn't know. I forgot about all this for so long.
I couldn't remember why even though I'm not a fan of law enforcement in general, I try to not have a blanket statement that all cops are bad. Those 2 cops didn't deserve that. I've dealt with the police in many ways, not always good. I don't know how it is everywhere else, so I'll say I'm sorry if things are horrible elsewhere. In my area, maybe because it's an urban area, the police are actually the easiest people to get help from during a mental health crisis. Yes, it's horrible when someone has you committed, but the police are trained to speak with you calmly and make you feel safe. They've had to cuff me a few times, and they always did it front and hung my jacket over it. Not a huge deal, I know, but I'd rather deal with them than some bitchy EMT questioning if you're really suicidal and treating you like shit because she didn't see enough action on your call. Sorry, this call won't make you the obvious hero. I don't call an ambulance for anything anymore. I've taken Uber twice now to the ER.
All I'm saying is there was a chance if the police weren't totally hyped from the chase and just shot him, things may have been different. Or if they shot him to stop him rather than kill him. I think some of us older heads need to get together to see if they knew anyone like this as well. He was a shooter, but he and his sister were turned into something that was a manifestation of their mother's evil. They were made, not born. The daughter is probably still locked up somewhere. Sweet, poor girl. She barely even spoke.
His aunt was my 12th grade English teacher, and I ran into her after the incident. All I could say was Im so sorry and she hugged me and we both cried. It was the end of an era in my life, and it broke up the brotherhood for good. We still speak every so often, but my ex bf became a total prick and we never talk. Only one brother is still close with me, but I've been pushing a lot of people away.
Thanks again, if anyone read this, God Bless You; this place has helped me remember a lot. This is just one of several pretty serious traumas I went through as a young adult. It's definitely the one that had the most impact because I've pretended it never happened my entire adult life.
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Pistolero114
Veteran
- Jun 25, 2019
- 261
Kodama
Experienced
- Oct 11, 2019
- 209
maka
this is for you, mi cuervito 𓇢𓆸
- Apr 23, 2019
- 161
Both my parents died by self inflicted gunshot but my mom tried many methods prior (the main one I know of being an OD, something to the tune of 90 hydrocodone pills, she had to relearn how to walk etc), and my last boyfriend overdosed on heroin/fentanyl. I'm not 100% sure if his was intentional or not but earlier that day he had told his mom he was going to see his dad later, and his dad had died 16 years prior.
OnlyMercy
No More
- Oct 23, 2018
- 190
Both most recent best friends have committed suicide over the last 5 years.
k75
L'appel du Vide
- Jun 27, 2019
- 2,546
An aunt, her husband, and a highschool boyfriend. He and I had been out of touch for a long time, but he was a close friend's brother and I'd been wanting to reconnect. It was difficult news, but it didn't hit me as hard as it would have if we'd still been close. I still think of him, though.
SuicidalSymphonies
I think I'll take a dirt nap.
- Oct 13, 2019
- 1,028
A friend of mine who hanged herself in her basement while her family went fishing. She was 14.
Crushed_Innocence
Hungry Ghost
- Oct 16, 2019
- 423
Its so ironic: NONE: i have never experinced anyone to die that I have known- either by suicide or anythign else..... However I havent really had many people in my life --But at least i will be able to give this dark gift to those who do know me.
My uncle shot himself in the very room I'm sitting in rn
takeyourshotfunboy
Smile...
- Oct 11, 2019
- 206
I didn't personally know this kid, but my (ex)friend's cousin killed himself. He was only 10. My friend said he was "the happiest kid he ever knew." We still don't know why he did it. The only mental illness he was diagnosed with was autism.
Are you lost too?
Operator, well let's forget about this call
- Oct 18, 2019
- 361
Only one, another kid from school. We were at the same year but not at the same classes. He must have been 14 or something. He shot himself (not at the school, at home I suppose). I wasn't his friend, I don't even remember his name - tried so hard to remember it but I can't. I remember the day he did it, they let us go home earlier. The day after we were all reunited at the gymnasium but I don't remember what was said either. The school took the ones who wanted to to visit his grave. His dad was there. He said he went though his son's stuff and that he found in a calendar, a few days earlier, that he had written day of my death, struckthrough it and wrote day of my life. But then, a few days later he ended up killing himself anuway.
Stan
Factoid Hunter
- Aug 29, 2019
- 2,589
Two. One was a cousin who died through depression. Sorely missed and grieved. Second was a co-worker to was found to have had child sexual images on his computer and jumped thoughtlessly in the place of work where he could of killed someone else in the process, was not missed or grieved.
IsadoraBeauxdraps
would like to follow that butterfly
- Aug 23, 2019
- 160
One. My friend Nicolas, twenty years ago. He hanged himself in a wood just before new year's day. I miss him.
sleepy dog
Wizard
- Sep 13, 2019
- 624
Rachel74
Enlightened
- Sep 7, 2019
- 1,716
Roommate I last heard commited suicide with heroin OD , i was told she was in the hospital and died in her daughter arms. I wondered if the OD was that deadly that the doctors failed to keep her alive. I have been considering this method ever since. I wonder if she died peacefully, it seems to have high ratings.
Ky204
Member
- Sep 3, 2019
- 97
My mum, her brother (my uncle) and my best friend (from 2 years back). The guilt is still very present in my life. Wasn't able to do anything for my mum even though I knew it would happen eventually. And my best friend who could've been more if I had just been in the right headspace to see the signs.
MeltingHeart
Visionary
- Sep 9, 2019
- 2,151
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