How many of you wish you had ctb’ed at an earlier age?

[Powderedmonster]

If so, how old are you now and at what age do you wish you had killed yourself?

 

[TAW122]

I have been on and off with suicidal ideation so my answer is different at various times. At age 18, I'd wished I had died as a teenager so I don't have to have the life I have today. However, from the present day, I would answer differently since I've made some recovery to make life worth living for myself. I can't say I enjoy life, but I tolerate it enough to not want to end it presently.

 

[Xaphous]

Absolutely wish I had in teenage years, but it's just as scary then as it is now with SI but perhaps a bit less than because the brutalness of reality sets in later in life. Life is basically shit unless you are mega rich or a "social butterfly".

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I realized when I was 17 my social life was over and moved out for the first time at 18 for the sole purpose to kill myself and not a day goes by where I don´t regret killing myself back when I was 18-19 it was the perfect time, my life had almost just stopped I still had depression so I could feel so sad and since I was still a teenager I had a great drive to ctb from all the teenage hormones flowing through my body so that plus the depression was the perfect drive.

Now I am 25 I don´t feel anything anymore I don´t feel happy, sad not even excitement I have no hobbies, no personality, style or care for my looks I am just an empty shell of the person I once was. But I am planning to kill myself Monday or Tuesday so hopefully this will all be over soon.

 

[Ashpac]

Im 32 but wished i done it at 16 when i knew my life was over. 16 years later i knew i was right at 16.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Im 32 but wished i done it at 16 when i knew my life was over. 16 years later i knew i was right at 16.

That is why I think people are too hard on the teenagers on this site, because the majority of suicidal people on here have been since their teenage years with only a few that got suicidal later in life e.g. a person I talk to on discord who is in her 20´s and a male from this site I saw mentioning he became suicidal at 35 or 36.

I actually think teenagers who are suicidal should ctb as soon as possible because I am sure they won´t get better for the majority we will be suicidal for the rest of our lives until we finally kill ourselves. I mean I could have spared myself from 11 years of pain and suffering had I just ctb when I first wanted to.

 

[Midnight]

16 or there-about. 33 now.

 

[WOODESITY]

I'm 23', I wish I'd ctb when i was 3 because everything started to get worse because of my burns and mental issues, I've never thought about suicide until i reached 17 as i remember, all i know is that i wanna off myself asap

 

[deathenvoy]

First thoughts: 15 years old. Now I am 31. I peaked in life around 3 years ago. 2 years ago I had suicide attempt and I wish I succeeded. Everything is getting worse and worse since than.

 

[Nullm]

22 my eldest brother told me to kill myself was what i should do
I told him ignorantely "i would but mother"
He told me you can't think of her
It was the first time i felt fucking helpless
But if had done it then it would have been a tragedy but somewhat reconileable
Cause i had my respect and didn't wanna suffer
Now (27) they'll think that selfish basterd! he was nothing! he had no right to do this !

 

[Hotsackage]

I stayed alive for my parents. Now I'm to messed up to ctb. I overthink everything

 

[Empty Smile]

Since teen years. I'm 49 now, and wish I would have done it then

 

[deflagrat]

That is why I think people are too hard on the teenagers on this site, because the majority of suicidal people on here have been since their teenage years with only a few that got suicidal later in life e.g. a person I talk to on discord who is in her 20´s and a male from this site I saw mentioning he became suicidal at 35 or 36.

I actually think teenagers who are suicidal should ctb as soon as possible because I am sure they won´t get better for the majority we will be suicidal for the rest of our lives until we finally kill ourselves. I mean I could have spared myself from 11 years of pain and suffering had I just ctb when I first wanted to.

I disagree. I wanted to die when I was a teenager but I didn't know shit about the future. Yes life generally sucks but it's not that bad for me, I am not in pain and my worst problem is boredom. That's definitely better than killing yourself at the first chance you get without thinking about the issue.

 

[Nameless101]

When I was 14 I had suicide attempt. I'm 18 now. But I am not sure if I really wanted to die then.

 

[OnlyMercy]

I'm 26. Wish I had gone at 21.

I recall complaining at age 21, much to my family's amusement, that I didn't want to live anymore. For some reason it hadn't dawned on me at that time that suicide is an actual viable option but I feel somewhat "enlightened" by this knowledge and power now.

I guess suicide seems unfathomable to a young mind until the pain in life exceeds the will to live.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I disagree. I wanted to die when I was a teenager but I didn't know shit about the future. Yes life generally sucks but it's not that bad for me, I am not in pain and my worst problem is boredom. That's definitely better than killing yourself at the first chance you get without thinking about the issue.

I have a lot of physical problems but tbh I feel boredom or feeling apathetic towards life is a good reason to kill oneself, Like if you had an amazing life in the past like I did with lot of fun, excitement and adventures with tons of friends living life at 100% so why should I go on living just to be somewhat content with "life" because you are not living life back in the day I truly LIVED so just to be content with going to work, playing some games with no friends living life on 10% capacity seems illogical.

I see at as life peaked in the past and then slowly went downhill to where if we are lucky we can just be content I made a graph to illustrate it.

So as you can see why would I live when I have experienced happiness on a Godly level to try and pick up the scraps.

 

[deflagrat]

I have a lot of physical problems but tbh I feel boredom or feeling apathetic towards life is a good reason to kill oneself, Like if you had an amazing life in the past like I did with lot of fun, excitement and adventures with tons of friends living life at 100% so why should I go on living just to be somewhat content with "life" because you are not living life back in the day I truly LIVED so just to be content with going to work, playing some games with no friends living life on 10% capacity seems illogical.

I see at as life peaked in the past and then slowly went downhill to where if we are lucky we can just be content I made a graph to illustrate it.
View attachment 10446
So as you can see why would I live when I have experienced happiness on a Godly level to try and pick up the scraps.

The main problem with this mentality is the following: A big % of the population should kill themselves using your logic. You have to learn to live with the problems you have. I get it, they may be too hard and it may seem like it's not worth it, and I feel the same, but suicide should be seen as the last option available, not the first. If you feel like you don't have a choice I respect your decision, but if you do have a choice, think this through before you do something you can't undo.

 

[Taylor]

I would've saved myself a lot of unnecessary suffering if I carried out my original ctb plans at around 21 years old. I'm 25 now, and just a hell of a lot worse than I was even at that point.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

You have to learn to live with the problems you have.

I don´t HAVE to do anything! Typical pro-life nonsense, as I said I have physical problems that ruins my life so that alone is enough. I also think life is insignificant and humans are a plague infecting the planet so every human who dies is a win for the Earth and its animals.

I just think there is no point in going on just to be content like when I said my life peaked I wasn´t talking about 1 single day that was good and then I need to kms, no I lived truly LIVED 12 happy years that can only be explained as Paradise on Earth and to go from being in heaven to living in hell and just try and climb over the edge (being conent with life) seems illogical to me. I know what haven a ton of friends feels like to have playdates every day after school, to never have been depressed or suicidal to be excited about life even simple stuff like coming home from school to watch a TV show you I liked and I am not just talking about "excitement as in "uuh I wanna watch GOT tomorrow" I talk about true excitement with butterflies in my stomach counting the minutes for certain things and back then amazing adventurous days were just a few days away until it was weekend and we could do anything.

Now I have no friends, very bad health, apathetic i.e. don´t feel happy, sad, excited etc. I don´t feel anything I am just an empty shell of the person I once was sitting in my small apartment with nothing to for years doing nothing but browsing this forum, and watch series and movies I have seen a million times before I don´t even enjoy video games anymore, my life now I went from heaven and got kicked down to hell.

Damn I get I got a little off track by the thought train but my point is even for the average person I don´t get if they lived an amazing life while keep going on if you will never experience anything remotely close to that. Gee when I write it down like that it sounds like a mid life crisis and I am "only" 25.

 

[Roberto]

44 years old. I wish I died when I was 30 and tried to ctb with diazepam, alcohol and antidepresives. I was more convinced. Now I'm alive without a real good life. I'm just a problem for the society. I should ctb as soon as possible to let others have more food & money. God give me a cancer, please.

 

[Escaper Boy]

Part of me wish I gathered enough courage to jump from the bridge years ago. It would simplify so many things. My body would drown in the river (I can't swim) and most likely would never be found. There were many drowning accidents in these river, and most of the victims were missing still. I have no idea why.

Yet, part of me wants to give myself a pat on the back for surviving this far. I managed to endure long time of torment and struggle. I'm still alive, standing with my own 2 feet despite everyone constantly trying to stomp me down. Sometimes, I really want to use anger and revenge as motivation to keep on living. Too bad, I am just too nice of a person to do it.

 

[Onomotopoeia]

That is why I think people are too hard on the teenagers on this site, because the majority of suicidal people on here have been since their teenage years with only a few that got suicidal later in life e.g. a person I talk to on discord who is in her 20´s and a male from this site I saw mentioning he became suicidal at 35 or 36.

I actually think teenagers who are suicidal should ctb as soon as possible because I am sure they won´t get better for the majority we will be suicidal for the rest of our lives until we finally kill ourselves. I mean I could have spared myself from 11 years of pain and suffering had I just ctb when I first wanted to.

I also disagree and i say this as someone who has been suicidal all my life. I still want to CTB but the changes in life transitioning from child to adult are MASSIVE at 16 your life is going to be completely different than when your 26. I would argue given the development and actual changes in your life in that time would infact change the minds of a great many.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I had first considered it at about age 14. By age 22 i definetly should have just ctb because thats when things went downhill and literally not 1 good thing has happened to me in the past 5 years. Life has only gotten worse and worse with mental/physical issues.

 

[deflagrat]

I don´t HAVE to do anything! Typical pro-life nonsense, as I said I have physical problems that ruins my life so that alone is enough. I also think life is insignificant and humans are a plague infecting the planet so every human who dies is a win for the Earth and its animals.

I just think there is no point in going on just to be content like when I said my life peaked I wasn´t talking about 1 single day that was good and then I need to kms, no I lived truly LIVED 12 happy years that can only be explained as Paradise on Earth and to go from being in heaven to living in hell and just try and climb over the edge (being conent with life) seems illogical to me. I know what haven a ton of friends feels like to have playdates every day after school, to never have been depressed or suicidal to be excited about life even simple stuff like coming home from school to watch a TV show you I liked and I am not just talking about "excitement as in "uuh I wanna watch GOT tomorrow" I talk about true excitement with butterflies in my stomach counting the minutes for certain things and back then amazing adventurous days were just a few days away until it was weekend and we could do anything.

Now I have no friends, very bad health, apathetic i.e. don´t feel happy, sad, excited etc. I don´t feel anything I am just an empty shell of the person I once was sitting in my small apartment with nothing to for years doing nothing but browsing this forum, and watch series and movies I have seen a million times before I don´t even enjoy video games anymore, my life now I went from heaven and got kicked down to hell.

Damn I get I got a little off track by the thought train but my point is even for the average person I don´t get if they lived an amazing life while keep going on if you will never experience anything remotely close to that. Gee when I write it down like that it sounds like a mid life crisis and I am "only" 25.

I think what's happening to you will become like "a phase" eventually, specially as long as you survive it. I know that because I experienced the same anguish you have experienced, except my life sucked from the beginning. Just try to imagine that, me, with no methods to kill myself, thinking about suicide for years and years (since I was 14), just waiting for the moment everything collapses. I am apathetic too, and I don't have the will to work with my mental disabilities. But my mental health does not deny me the ability to dream something interesting every day... There are things to be excited about, like technology, books, movies, music... and new friends to make.

Life is what you make of it, if you believe you can't do anything to fix it, then you can't, this is why hypnosis is a real thing. Give yourself time to think, rant all you want about it, and keep surviving day by day, you will most likely outgrow those feeling you have.

I don't know anything about your physical problems, if you think they are causing you enough suffering to justify ctb then you may be right, but you have to make sure it's something that it's going to continue causing you that suffering in the future with no way possible to fix it. If that's the case, who am I to tell you not to ctb?

Besides, why do you care so much about Earth? It's just a planet. And animals don't really get to live good lives (at least the ones who are supposed to be living good ones), only our standards of "what a good life it supposed to be for an animal". If I was an animal I would ask to be euthanized, they don't even get to have rational thoughts. I am just sorry for them.

 

[Emilisdeadnow27]

At 15. It would've been easier

 

[TheFinalCountdown]

When I was 20 probably. I'm 26 now and nothing has improved since then

 

[Final Escape]

I swear it gets harder to ctb as u age and I'm not sure why this is. I suppose it would get especially more difficult if u have more obligations and a family. It should be easier for me since I have no family or major responsibilities.

 

[Nullm]

I think what's happening to you will become like "a phase" eventually, specially as long as you survive it. I know that because I experienced the same anguish you have experienced, except my life sucked from the beginning. Just try to imagine that, me, with no methods to kill myself, thinking about suicide for years and years (since I was 14), just waiting for the moment everything collapses. I am apathetic too, and I don't have the will to work with my mental disabilities. But my mental health does not deny me the ability to dream something interesting every day... There are things to be excited about, like technology, books, movies, music... and new friends to make.

Life is what you make of it, if you believe you can't do anything to fix it, then you can't, this is why hypnosis is a real thing. Give yourself time to think, rant all you want about it, and keep surviving day by day, you will most likely outgrow those feeling you have.

I don't know anything about your physical problems, if you think they are causing you enough suffering to justify ctb then you may be right, but you have to make sure it's something that it's going to continue causing you that suffering in the future with no way possible to fix it. If that's the case, who am I to tell you not to ctb?

Besides, why do you care so much about Earth? It's just a planet. And animals don't really get to live good lives (at least the ones who are supposed to be living good ones), only our standards of "what a good life it supposed to be for an animal". If I was an animal I would ask to be euthanized, they don't even get to have rational thoughts. I am just sorry for them.

If hypnosis was in fact such a real thing it would have been used much more often for curing patients you can call anything a phase cause that's the nature of life ups and downs
But his point was what if there's no ups anymore so it depends how deep and frequent the downs are and espiecially how much are you willing to to take and seal the lips
More and more as you grow,
But it also depends on what you have to give back
That's when it can become unbearable
As for the avarage person from my expirience it can't be applied to
Since i lost my grip i would be curios to see how others deal with it
And i almost never encountered someone who didn't had sort of natural sense of purpose lots of people has these but for brief periods

 

[IRIYAMA]

If so, how old are you now and at what age do you wish you had killed yourself?

Wish I hadn't failed the first attempt back in '14. My ctb partner and myself were too naive to understand how to buy N, didn't even know about the LD50 back in those days.
5 years on finally have more than enough N and preparing for ctb...

 

[Ruffian]

I wish I could have been successful way way earlier. I have tried to OD too many times - it's really a poor method, so let that be a caution to others. I would like to get N, but I'm afraid to try to import it. I wish I could have been successful at about 34. It's been downhill pretty much since then.