How many of you were planning on CTB in 2021?

[eternalmelancholy]

Well looks like 2021 is coming to an end in a couple days. Another year just came and went like that. I was so convinced at the start of the year that this would be my final year on this planet. My new years resolution was actually to ctb. I did make an attempt but ended up botching it. I plan on trying again in the upcoming weeks. I thought it would get easier after each attempt but I am still struggling with it.

What about you? Were you planning on ctb this year? Did you make an attempt?

 

[readernotposter]

I was planning on telling my parents that I've failed my semester at college and was planning to take my life on January 15th, but after what my mom said to me (a longg time ago) I think I'm going to just take a gap and see if there's anything this year to keep me going in any way. I didn't attempt but I had ideation (without planning.)

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Got pretty close once, since I had manage to get a good enough method. Now I'll wait for something to happen (internally/externally), if nothing happens then my method will naturally put me on a timer in a few years (albeit a very vague one).

 

[readernotposter]

Got pretty close once, since I had manage to get a good enough method. Now I'll wait for something to happen (internally/externally), if nothing happens then my method will naturally put me on a timer in a few years (albeit a very vague one).

May I ask why? New here and just looking to hear different stories and see if what I feel is "valid."

 

[eternalpeace]

My 2021 New Year's resolution was to CTB. Spoiler alert(!), I'm still here. During New Year's 2021, I was already in the hospital due to an attempt in December 2020. I was not discharged until May 2021. The summer was hotter than usual and I didn't get much done. I thought about dying a lot, but didn't have the drive to take any steps. Then all of a sudden it was October, and there were family birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Halloween to get through. Then all of a sudden it was time to buckle down and survive the Christmas season for the sake of family. And now the year is almost over, and somehow I survived it without intending to. I don't really feel happy or angry about that. Just a bit numb, and wholly exhausted. I've been alive the whole year, but I have nothing to show for it. I wasn't in a coma, but I feel like I may as well have been. As if I was just sleep-walking through the entire year.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

My 2021 New Year's resolution was to CTB. Spoiler alert(!), I'm still here. During New Year's 2021, I was already in the hospital due to an attempt in December 2020. I was not discharged until May 2021. The summer was hotter than usual and I didn't get much done. I thought about dying a lot, but didn't have the drive to take any steps. Then all of a sudden it was October, and there were family birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Halloween to get through. Then all of a sudden it was time to buckle down and survive the Christmas season for the sake of family. And now the year is almost over, and somehow I survived it without intending to. I don't really feel happy or angry about that. Just a bit numb, and wholly exhausted. I've been alive the whole year, but I have nothing to show for it. I wasn't in a coma, but I feel like I may as well have been. As if I was just sleep-walking through the entire year.

Man this is almost exactly what happened to me. Summer was record heat and I was so delirious that I could barely think about anything. During the fall I managed to make an attempt but ending up botching it. I planned on going this month but for some reason I decided to push it back to Jan. So at this point I am just waiting around (what else is new).

Got pretty close once, since I had manage to get a good enough method. Now I'll wait for something to happen (internally/externally), if nothing happens then my method will naturally put me on a timer in a few years (albeit a very vague one).

From my experience waiting around will keep going on for years. I too have been waiting for some sign or external force to tip the scales. It has been 10 years now. It is clear to me if I am going to ctb I have to actively pursue it.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

May I ask why? New here and just looking to hear different stories and see if what I feel is "valid."

First of all, if other people have the same experience as you or not doesn't impact how "valid" your own experience is. Now, I'm not sure which part of my post you asked about, but I'll try to explain (without mentioning specific methods).

During the earlier part of the year I was experimenting with inferior methods and never had a good one that I felt comfortable with using (unless found in an extreme pickle). Later on I did gather good materials for CTB and ended up getting the location set up, but then canceling it almost instantaneously. I was never in a real hurry to die, and was sort of on the fence about it. Been suicidal for about six years now. Wanting to hold on a bit for my family (siblings that I want to be older when I kms) but simultaneously not getting anything positive out of life for myself (nearly total anhedonia, almost only able to feel negative emotions). Also worth noting that I don't care at all about other people experiencing positive things, either; I am just anti-suffering universally (extreme negativity bias for everything/everyone).

Now, my method may or may not go bad after a number of years. So that will become a natural push, although that might be a tad bit too soon for those family concerns. I do have much mental agony to deal with, but at the same time often think that my problems are a joke and deal a very disproportionately large amount of pain. I am basically a stereotypical man-child "loser", that's it. So there's not really enough there to have me flailing about and crying, but it is what it is .

From my experience waiting around will keep going on for years. I too have been waiting for some sign or external force to tip the scales. It has been 10 years now. It is clear to me if I am going to ctb I have to actively pursue it.

My stance is that unless I'm in physical pain waiting doesn't hurt (that much).

 

[gr1lledcheese]

Well looks like 2021 is coming to an end in a couple days. Another year just came and went like that. I was so convinced at the start of the year that this would be my final year on this planet. My new years resolution was actually to ctb. I did make an attempt but ended up botching it. I plan on trying again in the upcoming weeks. I thought it would get easier after each attempt but I am still struggling with it.

What about you? Were you planning on ctb this year? Did you make an attempt?

I did plan on doing it this year, but I hadn't found this group yet and wasn't really sure how to. I was thinking of drinking bleach, but I didn't exactly know how to go about it. Now I know about SN, and have tentative plans to use it in the next couple weeks or so. SO glad I found this site!

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I did plan on doing it this year, but I hadn't found this group yet and wasn't really sure how to. I was thinking of drinking bleach, but I didn't exactly know how to go about it. Now I know about SN, and have tentative plans to use it in the next couple weeks or so. SO glad I found this site!

I am so glad you did not end up drinking bleach. Holy shit. This is what happens when access to information is restricted.

 

[ikadasui]

I plan to die each year every year! Sadly, well,. still here, but here's to hoping! I'm hanging on because at this point my new raid is coming out on tuesday on the only thing left I give a fuck about

 

[NormaJeane]

I have wanted to die all this year to avoid meaningless suffering. I want to die on New Year´s Day 2022, like many others. Only because methods did not work and because of the survival instinct I am still alive.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I have wanted to die all this year to avoid meaningless suffering. I want to die on New Year´s Day 2022, like many others. Only because methods did not work and because of the survival instinct I am still alive.

Meaningless suffering is such a perfect description. Life feels so pointless. We are born, we suffer and we die. What kind of bullshit is this? I was planning on doing it soon but I think I might do it on new years with you. I know if I lose an opportunity I might not get another one for a long time. You have to strike while the iron is hot.

 

[WeAreInfinite]

I was planning on buying SN and using that on new years day, but I don't have enough money to buy an adequate amount to ctb. Another time, another place, perhaps.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I was planning on buying SN and using that on new years day, but I don't have enough money to buy an adequate amount to ctb. Another time, another place, perhaps.

Hrm I wonder why new years day is so popular. I can't explain it but there is definitely something alluring about doing it on that day now that I think about it.

 

[StevieNixs]

Well looks like 2021 is coming to an end in a couple days. Another year just came and went like that. I was so convinced at the start of the year that this would be my final year on this planet. My new years resolution was actually to ctb. I did make an attempt but ended up botching it. I plan on trying again in the upcoming weeks. I thought it would get easier after each attempt but I am still struggling with it.

What about you? Were you planning on ctb this year? Did you make an attempt?

"Were you planning on ctb this year?"
Answer - Yes.

 

[Marktheghost]

I was. I still don't know what's holding me back!

 

[ClownMe]

I definitely wanted to kill myself in 2021, hence why I joined SS when I was lucky enough to find it earlier in the year. I keep telling myself that I can't do it yet because I have to stick around for my dog, i love him, but im in so much pain, i just want the suffering to end.

 

[fox_wannabe]

I was planning and couldn't go through with It. I think 2022 is the year as things are going south more rapidly. I want to be done with this.

 

[Eternal Oblivion]

Thoughted about a loot about CTB this year. At one point I brought all the meds to use the SN method but ended up backing up mid fasting. The thing is that I got a girlfriend that I love, and she's already depressed. I tell myself I'm going to do it when we finish our relationship, but we are still toguether. It's torture because I started to date her being healthy, and planned a whole loot for us but now I feel handcaped about what I can do with her, so I got to watch the moments we spend toguether knowing they would be so much better if I had my health. It's torture.

Long story short, when my relationship finish, there will be nothing more to live for.

 

[S like Siren]

This year was without a doubt the year in which I acted to kill myself ... I have been suffering from severe depression for 7/8 years now but in the past years I had only powerful suicidal ideation but I had never tried seriously ... I then started some very self-injurious and dangerous acts in the summer of 2020 ... and there were several serious attempts in October 2020, I survived and I was in a psychiatric ward for a month .... after short psy drug treatments very convinced to die I found this site at the end of april... I found a ctb partner and at the end of May we were putting our plan into action, at the very last second in front of death he pulled back ... however I had 2 important opportunities for killing myself in the following days, my plan was perfect, I would not have survived for sure. But I hadn't come to terms with the power of my SI that wickedly to make me desist it planted a thought in my head "Why are you killing yourself now, take more time".so my perfect attempt failed ... all summer i was literally hibernating ... hardly ever saw sunlight ... and from september until now i have done nothing ... covid complicated things as I was not vaccinated at the time and I couldn't go anywhere ... I was sure I was going to die this year but I failed.

 

[Cheza_mus]

Yes I was planning to ctb this year..the first attempt was before I joined this forum...I took carbofuran..I just ended up in hospital...

 

[Soulless Angel]

I wanted to attempt again in 2021, but I never get time alone now, NEVER! Literally I can't go anywhere alone, its fucking annoying,
But I guess maybe now ive lured them into believing I am fine, they may leave me alone for 2022....

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I was. I still don't know what's holding me back!

Don't feel too bad. Dying is really hard. Even if logically it is the best option, emotionally it becomes really difficult to carry through. None of us would still be here if it was easy.

I definitely wanted to kill myself in 2021, hence why I joined SS when I was lucky enough to find it earlier in the year. I keep telling myself that I can't do it yet because I have to stick around for my dog, i love him, but im in so much pain, i just want the suffering to end.

If you don't mind me asking how old is your dog? If he doesn't have too many years left I completely understand why you would wait, even though it must be very hard. If he is still young is it possible to rehome him? I think you should sit down and really think about this. If you do decide to ctb you want to go in peace and not have some unresolved issue nagging at you in your last moments.

 

[freelifexit]

 

[EliphasBlackwood]

I was never really serious about CTBing in 2021. I didn't really look into methods or do any research at all. All I knew is that if this year sucked I was going to ctb, probably by partial hanging. And well.. I just couldn't do it. SI and all that. But in a way i'm thankful, I probably would have ended up a vegetable if i did it just by my lonesome with nothing but a belt. But thanks to this website and the SWiki I've actually done the proper research so that when I go next year I will do it right.

 

[Bong-Hit-Transplant]

I feel kind of bad saying this, but it's really nice seeing so many people here in the same boat. I had a note, method, place, time. I was 1000% sure I was going to go through with it. But it's like every step closer you get to doing it, you find another barrier you didn't know existed. I kind of looked down on people with multiple failed or postponed attempts as failing to fully understand the gravity of their decision before choosing to CTB, but I think it's way harder than anyone here could've imagined.

 

[rotten]

I've tried a few times this year but...stupid survival instinct always kicks in :(

 

[Mr2005]

I thought 2020 but ten years before that I thought 2010

 

[gr1lledcheese]

I definitely wanted to kill myself in 2021, hence why I joined SS when I was lucky enough to find it earlier in the year. I keep telling myself that I can't do it yet because I have to stick around for my dog, i love him, but im in so much pain, i just want the suffering to end.

I completely understand wanting to stick around for your dog. If I had a dog I'd want to live too.

 

[Death is your gift]

Yes, I thought the same... That this time this was for good. Searching the way to do it, planning it and finally back out. Hell, I cannot make my mind for sure if I want to CTB or to recover, it is like I am acting to keep both paths still opened.

God, dying is so difficult