this reply has been in the back of my mind for a long time, so I'm sorry about the random late response.
for almost my entire life I've been told by almost all of my family that I'm very talented in a certain field of work and that I HAVE to work in that field or I'm basically wasting my talent. I believed them too for a long time but I've slowly realized over the 3ish years of being an adult that I am simply not cut out to work in this field. I am horrified at the prospect of admitting this to my family as they would most likely just immediately deny it. some people succeed in life even when noone expects them to/has almost no expectations or support for them, I'm the opposite. I had everything going for me, family support and high expectations, and I still managed to fuck it up.
I've been struggling super badly with community college, and my parents expect me to not only complete community college, but to transfer into a 'real' college after. If I'm fucking it up this badly with just community college how the hell am I supposed to do this in another, longer college? I feel incredibly guilty of the fact that they're paying for me to fail as well.
I've just built my entire future on being able to go to college for and get a job in this specific field and I'm realizing that I'm too stupid and worthless to succeed. I don't have any goals that I realistically believe I can achieve anymore. I know it would upset my family if I CTB and I know I'm "just" 21 but I'm only ever going to get older and I don't think they'd be that much happier if I stayed alive and failed at everything they were so confident I could do from childhood.
Now, a small part of me understands that personal success isn't everything, but I don't even have like, a good personality to at least make up for it. I somewhat recently lost a friend group entirely due to my ridiculous fucking behavior and the guilt has been eating me alive. I understand that this one is at least a "this won't matter in five years" issue, but It's been a month now and I still feel horrible, and I also feel like this is more a symptom of a larger problem into who I am as a person.
I am a coward at heart, and that is why I consider myself a failure and why I am going to kill myself.
1st off you are NOT a coward or a failure or anything of those natures ever. You are working at it and that in itself is winning.
Let me explain please, as I went to a community college at the age of 24 and I was going to try and get my AA degree (2-year degree). It was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life, hands down and I was NOT the greatest student by no means, but I never gave up and neither has you!
I got my 2-year degree and transferred to a 4-year college and toughed it out and got a 4 year in Business Administration and I have 2 minors, one in math and one in statistics.
Harder than hell to get that darn degree, but it WAS worth it, at least for me, as I know some on here will probably say that it did not help them, but it opened doors for me, and I have huge faith in you as far as education is going to help you also down the road.
You are being too hard on yourself, as give yourself a pat on the back and remember that you are a smart, and loving soul who WILL to great.
At the age of 68, NOT being snotty ever, but after hiring so many folks through the decades, I have a gut feeling that you are a smart and likeable person that the business (work) world desperately needs.
Sending you lots of hugs, love and the knowledge that you are a wonderful spirit with so much to not only give yourself but this world who needs you.
Walter
. It's ok, I'll tell myself I tried and that will have to satisfy me.
Seriously.
