Discussion How many of you are ctbing solely due to physical issues ( injury, botched surgery, chronic pain, neuropathic/crps. failed back surgery etc)

[DrWh033]

I wonder how many of you had a perfectly normal mental health and functional status untill a physical problem led you to ponder suicide. This could be an accident with burns, a dive that turned you into uadraplegic, a surgery gone wrong, chronic cns pain syndromes, spinal cord stimulators gone wrong etc etc. I am just curious how many of you live with daily neuropathic pain .

 

[Rounded Agony]

Probably many people who've written here:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/chronic-illnesses-and-physical-diseases-megathread.73629/

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I want to CTB due to neuropathic pain. Lyrica and oxycodone isn't cutting it anymore.

 

[Sourdough]

I have cognitive issues stemming from a disease. I am getting worse, and a shadow of my former self. I have no physical pain, but losing your intellect is far worse in my opinion. I'd rather be in chronic pain than this

 

[Smart No More]

I have cognitive issues stemming from a disease. I am getting worse, and a shadow of my former self. I have no physical pain, but losing your intellect is far worse in my opinion. I'd rather be in chronic pain than this

I'm in your camp too. Chronic pain also. Not certain what caused it but it occured following a nasty bout of illness. It's really messed me up whatever it is and I too am a shadow of my former self. I really know how you feel. Quality of life is really impacted when your previously good mind, your lifes work is shattered and your natural thought process is no longer in tact. Memory function really out of whack. Really soul destroying. I cried every day for over a year. It was the tears of physical pain which I hadn't experienced since I was a young child but also tears of losing myself. Mourning myself in real time. I'm not sure what changed but I haven't cried for a while now but I don't know if I can ever be me again. I've experienced dismissive reaction from doctors and manage it through self medication. That has limited range.

 

[SamTam33]

It's not the sole reason but it's a massive part of the reason. Compound the physical deficiencies with the mental ones and I'm a fucking disaster. The worst combination of traits ever.

Hypersensitive. Overly self-aware. Analytical and obsessive. Empathetic and introverted. An imagination so vivid that it physically hurts to think about hypothetical scenarios of what my life could've been like.

If it wasn't for the physical scars, I don't think I would've quit my job.

I just got tired of people seeing me. Tired of spending so much time covering them in the morning and trying to keep them covered throughout the day.

Without the physical shit to deal with, I think I could've gone on pretending to be normal indefinitely.

But knowing that you can never let people get too close; making sure people maintain their literal AND figurative distance; loathing what you see in the mirror to the point of having to sit on your hands so you don't claw your face off in a moment of desperation... It's exhausting.

I've lived with this defective brain and body for decades. I am so over it.

 

[Never Alive]

I am suicidal because of a botched eye surgery. I had transprk in May this year, ever since it's been a nightmare.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

If being born the wrong sex counts as a physical issue, then me.

 

[Cryptonite]

I do not entirely fit into your criteria as I have had an experience with a mental disease, however... Thanks to a new state-of-the-art treatment, I got cured from it after suffering my whole life. I was full of hope, but soon after that I was diagnosed with a spinal disease called Scheuermann's disease. This one leads me to CTB. It could have been cured fully, but I was misdiagnosed by two doctors as a child.

From your other posts, I noticed you had a botched surgery and that you are a doctor yourself. It seems many of us share the same sad story - ruined by a doctor. Maybe, as a doctor, do you have some insight into why they make so many mistakes and care so little? Given how frequent this behavior is, I believe it is not doctors' fault, but rather a systemic problem. Maybe lack of financial resources and time? Maybe burnout of empathy? Maybe the profession attracts people who care more about its prestige rather than truly helping people? Maybe there's a lack of motivation towards lifelong learning? I don't know...

 

[Chinaski]

I want to CTB due to neuropathic pain. Lyrica and oxycodone isn't cutting it anymore.

+1, with associated functional issues caused by the same problem (the result of a very basic medical procedure, done badly)

 

[SamTam33]

I do not entirely fit into your criteria as I have had an experience with a mental disease, however... Thanks to a new state-of-the-art treatment, I got cured from it after suffering my whole life. I was full of hope, but soon after that I was diagnosed with a spinal disease called Scheuermann's disease. This one leads me to CTB. It could have been cured fully, but I was misdiagnosed by two doctors as a child.

From your other posts, I noticed you had a botched surgery and that you are a doctor yourself. It seems many of us share the same sad story - ruined by a doctor. Maybe, as a doctor, do you have some insight into why they make so many mistakes and care so little? Given how frequent this behavior is, I believe it is not doctors' fault, but rather a systemic problem. Maybe lack of financial resources and time? Maybe burnout of empathy? Maybe the profession attracts people who care more about its prestige rather than truly helping people? Maybe there's a lack of motivation towards lifelong learning? I don't know...

I can't think of a single profession (other than firefighters maybe) where this negligence and lack of concern hasn't crept in.

From contractors you hire for repairs, to teachers to police. The restaurant that always gets your order wrong. What should've been a quick customer service call turns into an hour long process of being transferred to 4 different people. Brand new cars being recalled because they could explode.

Everything is shit. Sadly, the medical profession is no exception.

 

[Cryptonite]

I can't think of a single profession (other than firefighters maybe) where this negligence and lack of concern hasn't crept in.

From contractors you hire for repairs, to teachers to police. The restaurant that always gets your order wrong. What should've been a quick customer service call turns into an hour long process of being transferred to 4 different people. Brand new cars being recalled because they could explode.

Everything is shit. Sadly, the medical profession is no exception.

You are right, that's a good insight. Doctors are probably not especially terrible, it's just that their mistakes have much more severe consequences that in any of the professions you've listed. I guess this is human nature, to do their job with the least effort and concern possible, get paid and go home.

But I'd point out there are professions where negligence and lack of concern haven't crept in. It is the professions with well-organized system that make it difficult for individual people to do their job poorly. For example aviation. If they had so many regulations in medicine, I'm sure they wouldn't do as many mistakes. But instead, doctors are off the leash, with no real consequences for misdiagnosing & mistreating anyone. Pilots would get fired on the spot.

 

[never mind me]

From your other posts, I noticed you had a botched surgery and that you are a doctor yourself. It seems many of us share the same sad story - ruined by a doctor. Maybe, as a doctor, do you have some insight into why they make so many mistakes and care so little? Given how frequent this behavior is, I believe it is not doctors' fault, but rather a systemic problem. Maybe lack of financial resources and time? Maybe burnout of empathy? Maybe the profession attracts people who care more about its prestige rather than truly helping people? Maybe there's a lack of motivation towards lifelong learning? I don't know..

I'm not sure about the situation in other countries, but at least in the country I live in doctors in hospitals are expected to work 60 to 70 hours per week, sometimes working 24 hour shifts without a break to catch up on sleep. Under these work conditions I can't really blame the doctors for making mistakes, it's just inhuman and irresponsible to force them to work as much.
The root of the problem seems to be the privatisation of hospitals. Although I am not sure how work conditions for doctors were when hospitals were still publicly owned, because the doctors I know are mostly too young to have experience working in publicly owned hospitals, I know for sure that it must have been better than it is now as I know several older nurses who still remember the time when they worked in publicy owned hospitals. According to them there were 3 times as many nurses to care for the same amount of patients as there is now after privatisation. As a consequence of the horrific work conditions there is now a shortage of both doctors and nurses, that makes the situation even worse.
Personally I know 1 doctor who quit his job due to the bad work conditions, claiming that it wasn't worth to work in this job as it left him zero time for his own life and I know another doctor who quit working as a doctor at least temporarily, because she said that she felt it was irresponsible to work in the state she often was in due to overly long shifts and lack of sleep.

 

[gimzero]

Me to i am 35 years with my chronic problems and dont want to die peacefully

 

[Cryptonite]

I'm not sure about the situation in other countries, but at least in the country I live in doctors in hospitals are expected to work 60 to 70 hours per week, sometimes working 24 hour shifts without a break to catch up on sleep. Under these work conditions I can't really blame the doctors for making mistakes, it's just inhuman and irresponsible to force them to work as much.
The root of the problem seems to be the privatisation of hospitals. Although I am not sure how work conditions for doctors were when hospitals were still publicly owned, because the doctors I know are mostly too young to have experience working in publicly owned hospitals, I know for sure that it must have been better than it is now as I know several older nurses who still remember the time when they worked in publicy owned hospitals. According to them there were 3 times as many nurses to care for the same amount of patients as there is now after privatisation. As a consequence of the horrific work conditions there is now a shortage of both doctors and nurses, that makes the situation even worse.
Personally I know 1 doctor who quit his job due to the bad work conditions, claiming that it wasn't worth to work in this job as it left him zero time for his own life and I know another doctor who quit working as a doctor at least temporarily, because she said that she felt it was irresponsible to work in the state she often was in due to overly long shifts and lack of sleep.

In my country, public hospitals are the norm. Yet, the situation is identical with what you describe in privately owned hospitals.

I agree the doctors may be overworked. But then it should be general knowledge that doctors routinely make mistakes and patients shouldn't rely on them. There should be some informational campaign. Instead, everyone trusts doctors blindly, which results in so many unnecessary ruined lives. My mom did the same thing and that's why she didn't push for more exams and more opinions.

It is time that patients see doctors as advisors rather than treaters.

 

[Sad_Sack]

From physical pain and dysfunction and from cognitive issues that I believe came from psych meds. I also have pectus excavatum which is a chest wall deformity that causes your sternum to sink in and mild scoliosis. My sternum now sinks in farther when I breathe and my ribs don't expand very much anymore so I constantly feel like I'm suffocating. My spine is degenerated as hell and combined with my sternum and rib dysfunction I'm encased in pain and misery. My heart is squeezed by my ribs and when I breath in I can feel my lungs smashing it. You can see my heart pounding out from under my left ribs 24/7. Because my diaphragm is compressed as well it is causing my esophagus to not function right and my food sits in my esophagus for hours. Its called gastroparesis. Acid pours freely into my esophagus and mouth. My heart skips beats when I swallow. Swallowing is very hard and sometimes when I try my swallow reflux shuts down halfway and my throat closes. I'm constantly dizzy and off balance . I had a neck surgery in 2019. I had my c5 through c7 fused and it made things worse. I can't use my hands or arms well anymore. They feel no responsive almost like they have been on ice but without the cold sensation.

I can't think clearly and am in constant deep depression for years on end now. I can't keep track of time passing. I can't tell yesterday from the day before. I have no interests anymore. I can't follow simple tv shows. I can't find words when I'm trying to speak. I have intense limb jerks that started out happening only when falling asleep but now happen when I'm just laying in bed after waking up while wide awake. My jaw will clamp down and ill bite the side of my tounge or lip. My head will jerk back or my trunk will fire off like its trying to do a very fast sit up. mostly it my arms and shoulders that thrash about. I cry on a regular basis. My family seems like they are strangers as my ability to perceive and process feelings and input is completely destroyed from meds. I'm guessing from meds anyway. Circumstances certainly point to this.

 

[tryingtoescape]

I am ending it due to several chronic illnesses including chronic pain. I'm young. Existing like this is just agonizing. If anyone else is ending it due to the same reason, please message me. I feel so alone in this.

 

[Chinaski]

From physical pain and dysfunction and from cognitive issues that I believe came from psych meds. I also have pectus excavatum which is a chest wall deformity that causes your sternum to sink in and mild scoliosis. My sternum now sinks in farther when I breathe and my ribs don't expand very much anymore so I constantly feel like I'm suffocating. My spine is degenerated as hell and combined with my sternum and rib dysfunction I'm encased in pain and misery. My heart is squeezed by my ribs and when I breath in I can feel my lungs smashing it. You can see my heart pounding out from under my left ribs 24/7. Because my diaphragm is compressed as well it is causing my esophagus to not function right and my food sits in my esophagus for hours. Its called gastroparesis. Acid pours freely into my esophagus and mouth. My heart skips beats when I swallow. Swallowing is very hard and sometimes when I try my swallow reflux shuts down halfway and my throat closes. I'm constantly dizzy and off balance . I had a neck surgery in 2019. I had my c5 through c7 fused and it made things worse. I can't use my hands or arms well anymore. They feel no responsive almost like they have been on ice but without the cold sensation.

I can't think clearly and am in constant deep depression for years on end now. I can't keep track of time passing. I can't tell yesterday from the day before. I have no interests anymore. I can't follow simple tv shows. I can't find words when I'm trying to speak. I have intense limb jerks that started out happening only when falling asleep but now happen when I'm just laying in bed after waking up while wide awake. My jaw will clamp down and ill bite the side of my tounge or lip. My head will jerk back or my trunk will fire off like its trying to do a very fast sit up. mostly it my arms and shoulders that thrash about. I cry on a regular basis. My family seems like they are strangers as my ability to perceive and process feelings and input is completely destroyed from meds. I'm guessing from meds anyway. Circumstances certainly point to this.

Jesus this is harrowing, it's impossible not to genuinely feel for you after reading that.

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

It's not the sole reason but it's a massive part of the reason. Compound the physical deficiencies with the mental ones and I'm a fucking disaster. The worst combination of traits ever.

Hypersensitive. Overly self-aware. Analytical and obsessive. Empathetic and introverted. An imagination so vivid that it physically hurts to think about hypothetical scenarios of what my life could've been like.

If it wasn't for the physical scars, I don't think I would've quit my job.

I just got tired of people seeing me. Tired of spending so much time covering them in the morning and trying to keep them covered throughout the day.

Without the physical shit to deal with, I think I could've gone on pretending to be normal indefinitely.

But knowing that you can never let people get too close; making sure people maintain their literal AND figurative distance; loathing what you see in the mirror to the point of having to sit on your hands so you don't claw your face off in a moment of desperation... It's exhausting.

I've lived with this defective brain and body for decades. I am so over it.

I can relate SO much to everything you wrote. So many of the situations and scenarios you described is exactly what my life has been like for over 35 years.

I'm very sorry you've been dealt the hand you were in life, and that you have experienced such pain. My heart and compassion goes out to you. I wish I could say something that gave some comfort, or could provide SOME form of relief...just know you aren't alone and that someone out here understands and is sending you love and support.

 

[disabledlife]

I created many posts in SS forums to decrive my life history, and consequences, rejected by society for example because of my pain complains, I would CTB with no pain and "punish" society for giving me birth and pro-lifers for torture with their "forced life prison".

 

[Cryptonite]

From physical pain and dysfunction and from cognitive issues that I believe came from psych meds. I also have pectus excavatum which is a chest wall deformity that causes your sternum to sink in and mild scoliosis. My sternum now sinks in farther when I breathe and my ribs don't expand very much anymore so I constantly feel like I'm suffocating. My spine is degenerated as hell and combined with my sternum and rib dysfunction I'm encased in pain and misery. My heart is squeezed by my ribs and when I breath in I can feel my lungs smashing it. You can see my heart pounding out from under my left ribs 24/7. Because my diaphragm is compressed as well it is causing my esophagus to not function right and my food sits in my esophagus for hours. Its called gastroparesis. Acid pours freely into my esophagus and mouth. My heart skips beats when I swallow. Swallowing is very hard and sometimes when I try my swallow reflux shuts down halfway and my throat closes. I'm constantly dizzy and off balance . I had a neck surgery in 2019. I had my c5 through c7 fused and it made things worse. I can't use my hands or arms well anymore. They feel no responsive almost like they have been on ice but without the cold sensation.

I can't think clearly and am in constant deep depression for years on end now. I can't keep track of time passing. I can't tell yesterday from the day before. I have no interests anymore. I can't follow simple tv shows. I can't find words when I'm trying to speak. I have intense limb jerks that started out happening only when falling asleep but now happen when I'm just laying in bed after waking up while wide awake. My jaw will clamp down and ill bite the side of my tounge or lip. My head will jerk back or my trunk will fire off like its trying to do a very fast sit up. mostly it my arms and shoulders that thrash about. I cry on a regular basis. My family seems like they are strangers as my ability to perceive and process feelings and input is completely destroyed from meds. I'm guessing from meds anyway. Circumstances certainly point to this.

I empathize with your story, man. I also have a degenerative spinal disease, Scheuermann's disesse. And pectus excavatum. In fact, it seems to me that you could be suffering from this condition as well. I also have terrible neck that limits my arm movement. All passion about life has been lost. It's just so so sad... but at least there is CTB for us, the only hope.

 

[Sad_Sack]

I empathize with your story, man. I also have a degenerative spinal disease, Scheuermann's disesse. And pectus excavatum. In fact, it seems to me that you could be suffering from this condition as well. I also have terrible neck that limits my arm movement. All passion about life has been lost. It's just so so sad... but at least there is CTB for us, the only hope.

I'm sorry to hear this. I wonder if I do have Scheuermann's disease. I checked it out online and it seems to fit. I even have wedging of some thoracic vertebrae. I've had so many mri's though and nobody has said anything about it. My posture sure looks a lot like the pics of scheurmann's though.

 

[oncebitten]

I don't want to die. In fact I never thought about it until I was given my diagnosis. I have a rare lung disease. Not too much is known about it apart from it always kills and it's a slow painful suffocation. Since that day, I planned and saved pills. I have piles of opioids (have heard not the best way), I tried ami's and won't do that again so am now working on another go around
It's not me being brave and going out on my terms even. It's me being a coward and not wanting to suffer that awful end. I struggle with breathing now and it's terrifying when you suddenly can't get any air, I have low oxygen levels anyway but the airless attacked are happening more often and I'm a coward. I can't imagine feeling that way hundreds of times a day until the last attack.
Now it's all I think about. Just going to bed one night and never waking up. That damn peacefully. Just got to store enough zopiclone to be certain I don't wake up. I won't need that much as the 7.5mg pill put me in hospital as it suppressed my breathing too much. So I get 3.75mg pills so will take longer to get enough as I can only save every other one as I also need to sleep some nights

Funny isn't it. I have lived with chronic pain and being in a wheelchair for years without thinking of ending it all but tell me I'm terminal and suddenly I want my life to end.

 

[Cryptonite]

I'm sorry to hear this. I wonder if I do have Scheuermann's disease. I checked it out online and it seems to fit. I even have wedging of some thoracic vertebrae. I've had so many mri's though and nobody has said anything about it. My posture sure looks a lot like the pics of scheurmann's though.

It's normal, man... very few doctors diagnose it, even though it's very apparent, especially on MRI... I had to diagnose it myself from the CD with copied MRI images... after visiting around 10 doctors or something, I don't even know how many

Edit: The best way to diagnose it is probably to take a photo of your back from the side in a bending position, and to see whether you have protruding kyphosis. If you don't have Scheuermann's disease, then your back will smoothen. If your case is atypical and you don't have visible kyphosis, just like in my case, then you can also see whether your feet are flat or you have a forward head posture. Secondary mild scoliosis is common in Scheuermann's disease. Wedging is very common. The chances are all your problems with your spine and pectus excavatum are only one illness.

I don't want to die. In fact I never thought about it until I was given my diagnosis. I have a rare lung disease. Not too much is known about it apart from it always kills and it's a slow painful suffocation. Since that day, I planned and saved pills. I have piles of opioids (have heard not the best way), I tried ami's and won't do that again so am now working on another go around
It's not me being brave and going out on my terms even. It's me being a coward and not wanting to suffer that awful end. I struggle with breathing now and it's terrifying when you suddenly can't get any air, I have low oxygen levels anyway but the airless attacked are happening more often and I'm a coward. I can't imagine feeling that way hundreds of times a day until the last attack.
Now it's all I think about. Just going to bed one night and never waking up. That damn peacefully. Just got to store enough zopiclone to be certain I don't wake up. I won't need that much as the 7.5mg pill put me in hospital as it suppressed my breathing too much. So I get 3.75mg pills so will take longer to get enough as I can only save every other one as I also need to sleep some nights

Funny isn't it. I have lived with chronic pain and being in a wheelchair for years without thinking of ending it all but tell me I'm terminal and suddenly I want my life to end.

How could you live your previous life without wishing to end it all? That's mind-boggling to me. You are anything but a coward.

 

[tryingtoescape]

I feel like I'm in hell.

 

[CaringShrimp]

I'm so sorry for everyone here :( Breaks my heart to see so many suffer not only mentally, but physically too. Much love to all of you

My story started when I was 14 years old and began to have back pain often. Forward 6 years and here I am, disabled due to chronic pain which took everything I had left in life. It is not the only reason why I want to go since I'm also suffering from severe mental disorders, but it is definitely the main cause.

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

YES

 

[Cryptonite]

I'm so sorry for everyone here :( Breaks my heart to see so many suffer not only mentally, but physically too. Much love to all of you

My story started when I was 14 years old and began to have back pain often. Forward 6 years and here I am, disabled due to chronic pain which took everything I had left in life. It is not the only reason why I want to go since I'm also suffering from severe mental disorders, but it is definitely the main cause.

I came to this forum in belief that there would be no one with back pain who wishes to CTB. Well, I couldn't be more wrong. So many people here have back pain as their primary issue. Needless to say, I also suffered from a severe mental disease, which got a lot better, but it doesn't matter now because of the back pain.

Let me guess your story... you were misdiagnosed as a child, they told you it was nothing. In fact, your diagnosis is either Scheuermann's disease or scoliosis. Now everyone tells you your back pain is psychological.

Am I wrong?

There is so much grief associated with it. Sports were the thing for me. Also, travelling, hanging out with friends, working, studying etc. It is all over and I'm on the verge of tears just thinking about it. Why did we deserve it? I deeply hate doctors. They shouldn't have let this happen.

 

[CaringShrimp]

I came to this forum in belief that there would be no one with back pain who wishes to CTB. Well, I couldn't be more wrong. So many people here have back pain as their primary issue. Needless to say, I also suffered from a severe mental disease, which got a lot better, but it doesn't matter now because of the back pain.

Let me guess your story... you were misdiagnosed as a child, they told you it was nothing. In fact, your diagnosis is either Scheuermann's disease or scoliosis. Now everyone tells you your back pain is psychological.

Am I wrong?

There is so much grief associated with it. Sports were the thing for me. Also, travelling, hanging out with friends, working, studying etc. It is all over and I'm on the verge of tears just thinking about it. Why did we deserve it? I deeply hate doctors. They shouldn't have let this happen.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, I cannot imagine how hard it must be :( ♡ Sending you lots of love! I can especially relate to the part of losing everything that you once loved so much, like traveling. All the things that simply aren't possible anymore due to the pain. It truly is heartbreaking and I still have not found a way to deal with all my dreams and passions being crushed like that.


On the side, you were right with your guess about the diagnosis part! For me sadly, to this day, they still have not given me an official diagnosis because they immediately blame all of it on my mental struggles. I have seen so many doctors over the years for this and it's always the same..

 

[Cryptonite]

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, I cannot imagine how hard it must be :( ♡ Sending you lots of love! I can especially relate to the part of losing everything that you once loved so much, like traveling. All the things that simply aren't possible anymore due to the pain. It truly is heartbreaking and I still have not found a way to deal with all my dreams and passions being crushed like that.


On the side, you were right with your guess about the diagnosis part! For me sadly, to this day, they still have not given me an official diagnosis because they immediately blame all of it on my mental struggles. I have seen so many doctors over the years for this and it's always the same..

Thank you. It is truly very hard. It all feels so terribly unfair. We've done nothing to deserve it. But, I guess, world doesn't work on fairness. It is all just random...

You haven't received any diagnosis over the years? This is so familiar to me too. It took around 10 doctors or something for me to "receive" a diagnosis. Eventually, I had so many clinical exam and radiology reports that I could put everything together and start an investigation on Google. Only then I was able to find out it was Scheuermann's disease.

The worst thing about this is the fact it could be cured if diagnosed early. But no one did. I sent complaints to doctors, even met one of them. She obviously denied her guilt and told me that early diagnosis of this disease is based on luck. Like, you must be kidding me, right? Luck? All it takes to diagnose it is one 30s procedure during the clinical exam and and then one X-ray to confirm it. The funny thing is the doctor was involved in an academic work about the disease just 6 months before she examined me. Still misdiagnosed me.

So yeah. My life is ruined because apparently I didn't have enough "luck". I suggest that you check if you don't have the same disease as well.