Venting How long will i last?

[DawnIsBreaking]

First time writing here and i have so much to get off my chest.

I curse the day when i started to look myself in the mirror. Every since then i have been obsessed with my looks, and even though everyone compliments me on my attractiveness i just cant see it. Its the only thing i care about and all of the things that i enjoyed before just dont feel the same. There are times when im so excited about life, and the next day, or even a few hours later i fell awful(prob because of borderline or bipolar). Every bad day feels like a slow burning hell and i wonder just how long will i last.
I tried therapy, been to a psyche ward twice, which genuinely made feel better for a time being, but the feeling always crawls back.
Will i feel the same in 10 years? Would my struggle to be better have been for nothing? I dont know, but i am sure that i cant keep going if things remain the same.

 

[Kurwenal]

I know the pain of not being able to see yourself, whether physically or otherwise, hope others see you. I'm sorry you have that pain. It feels like your realty is invalidated, like your experience in this world is not correct. It hurts.

I don't have helpful advice. The weight of a future that is nothing more than an endless repetition of the pain that has come before is heavier than we should have to bear. The fall from excitement to hell is horrible, especially repeated over and over and over and over. I don't have advice. I hope only that my commiserations can in some way, even a miniscule way, be a comfort to you.

I'm sorry.

 

[DawnIsBreaking]

I know the pain of not being able to see yourself, whether physically or otherwise, hope others see you. I'm sorry you have that pain. It feels like your realty is invalidated, like your experience in this world is not correct. It hurts.

I don't have helpful advice. The weight of a future that is nothing more than an endless repetition of the pain that has come before is heavier than we should have to bear. The fall from excitement to hell is horrible, especially repeated over and over and over and over. I don't have advice. I hope only that my commiserations can in some way, even a miniscule way, be a comfort to you.

I'm sorry.

Hii thanks for the kind words. I always feel a bit better after reading threads on here so its nice i actually got a reply

 

[Kurwenal]

It works both ways; being told that someone feels a bit better because you've engaged with them helps in return. This is a good community. I know there's bound to be some kind of irony in finding solace on a forum about suicide, but that doesn't negate the solace itself. People here have experienced pain similar to yours and similar to mine, and I for one find their words much more comforting than the standard, "But you have so much to live for!" that gets thrown my way by doctors, therapists and family alike.

I hope you can find a way to feel happy within yourself about your looks. I would suggest that aiming to be attractive specifically can only end in sorrow, because it requires the opinion of external parties. You could be as handsome or as beautiful as anyone who has ever lived, but you may still not be attractive to a given person. So I hope you can find a way to get some kind of joy or fulfillment about your looks, within yourself. I don't know how to do that. So I can only hope for you.