How long have you been thinking about the CTB?

[soldierbavaro]

How long have you been thinking about the CTB? I've been a little over a year and I just can't summon up the courage to execute the plan. I don't know if it's survival instinct or the fear of what will happen after death or simply the fear of failing and look worse, what stops you and how long have you been thinking about it

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that I've certainly never wished to exist here and I've always found comfort in the thought of permanent non-existence where everything is finally forgotten about.
But at this point I've been thinking about actually leaving this world and potential methods since I was very young, it's so unfortunate that I'm still trapped here after all these years but of course it's just not straightforward to free ourselves from this repulsive world and prevent all future suffering. The inaccessability and risky nature of suicide holds me back, it's so disgusting how Nembutal isn't legalised and how we are denied the option to just leave this existence in peace.

 

[dra1ncoreslwt]

I've had it in my mind for about 5 years now, I was never suicidal though, planning or sh or anything like that never happened. 2 of my family members were suicidal so I just focused on them and tried to support/save them, important to mention I was still a kid too. now that I'm alone, isolated and can digest all those years worth of suffering it took a huge toll on me, I've been seriously suicidal for around 8 months now. I'm not scared to die, or afraid of what happens after death, I do have an intense SI however and I'm mostly indecisive of what the future may have for me, im relatively young still, but I've been close to death before and safe to say I might ctb eventually… with how things are going for me.

 

[TAW122]

Most of my life, definitely more than a decade (I thought about CTB long before SaSu existed), and everyday alive is another day to gamble with the possibility of (worse) suffering.

 

[UKscotty]

About 20 years or so.

Lots of half attempts but I am too much of a coward to use a proper method.

Closest ever was driving out ready to mix H2S but stopped at the last minute. That was about 10 years ago.

Came close to jumping off beachy head a year before that, again too much of a snowflake to carry it out.

Can't even get to CTB, that's how weak I am. Sigh.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Thinking about CTB started only a few years ago, when my life suddenly turned bad and there was no success for me any more (somehow now it's an existencial crisis that I cannot solve, everything else would be so great, unfortunately). A potential CTB was always an option for me when there is no other suitable way out any more.

I already developed a plan how it will go and the plan matures rapidly lately because life (or destiny?) tells me "Leave or your life is going to be even worse than now ...."

 

[DeathSleep]

It's been years. I've had 2 failed attempts. I have to wait til the time is right because I don't wanna be hospitalized again if I fail and someone finds out.
I know I shouldn't think of possible failure, I should be certain about it but that's hard to do since I've failed before.
I'm still in mental health treatment from my last attempt.

 

[grendel4578]

last 4 years or so

 

[ringo99]

8 years

 

[outrider567]

16 Months

 

[Little_Suzy]

All morning, including discussions in therapy. Thinking about it on SaSu, now. Lately, it never leaves my mind. Lol!

 

[BlindsClosed]

Casually for 25 years. Seriously for 10 years. Much more serious for 4 years. Now on the edge.

 

[Valky]

A lot better now but they still come and go. 6-7 years now

 

[LastBusHome]

About 10 years, on and off. The ideation felt like it would swing back and forth from the extreme of not at all to all the time. The rate of suicidal thoughts I experience, ironically, have become more frequent over the last four years I've been receiving treatment. Still trying to figure that one out tbh

 

[▪︎⚠ ＫＯＨＩ ⚠▪︎]

I started to consider CTB 5 years ago or more, I can't even have the count. Initially it was due to someone I had a crush on and they knew this but just toyed with me, but then there started to be problems with my parents, bad grades, etc.
Now it is because I noticed that no matter how hard I try to give my best, nobody cares for your hard work, just for the result.

Two days ago I almost jumped, but calmed down and didn't, then when I looked down again I chickened out (afraif of the highs) and later started to think I did good, because I almost did it at university and I'm aware that if I kill myself there my parents will have problems and I care for them even after all the things that had happened with them.

About 10 years, on and off. The ideation felt like it would swing back and forth from the extreme of not at all to all the time. The rate of suicidal thoughts I experience, ironically, have become more frequent over the last four years I've been receiving treatment. Still trying to figure that one out tbh

Same with my suicidal thoughts, although I don't take any meds for depression.

Heh, it's funny 'cause mother told me she would buy the meds if necessary but here I am and feeling misunderstood.

 

[Forever Sleep]

33 years- to varying degrees. I've been hanging on for the people closest to me to go first.

 

[g56f32Z4n8#uExEuU*@]

My earliest ideation is from when I was a teenager, say, 16, but I used to dismiss that time as a emo period of my life. I am now in my early 50s and I am more keen to think that perhaps my intuition was right all along.

 

[luminouss]

i feel like i dont know when it actually begun, i just know that existing here is torture and i don't want it. too many attempts, can someone link me to a method that is quick and painless?

 

[eternal_peace]

with me, 5 years. but not like constantly, last year it wasnt as much i was still thinking about suicide every week, but yeah its back to multiple times a day

 

[graymatter]

At least sine I started going to school. There were times when it was much less serius though. The most seriously I think about it for 2 years now.

 

[loopdaloop]

4-5 years

 

[DarkWillow22]

I've been entertaining the thought for the past 4 years, only in the past few months have I given it any real solid thought. I did try twice, but it didn't affect me much that those had failed, and I feel that now if I try and fail it would just add to the pain. The things actually stopping me is financial inability to get a method, and how it will wreck my loved ones. In the back of my mind I also fight with my religious beliefs, that if I kill myself I can't make it into heaven, but at the same time I believe I have a closeness with God that should withstand CTB

 

[leftdreaming]

It least since I was 10. Definitely before I truly understood the concept of death, though.

 

[thx1138]

About 20 years, so most of my life.

I have no idea what is stopping me.

 

[LittleJem]

10 years all day every day, For the 10+ years before that it was worse in the morning. I'd say 10 years of researching suicide methods snd wanting to die constantly.

 

[SpiderLink]

How long have you been thinking about the CTB? I've been a little over a year and I just can't summon up the courage to execute the plan. I don't know if it's survival instinct or the fear of what will happen after death or simply the fear of failing and look worse, what stops you and how long have you been thinking about it

Over 3 years now, it's an everyday thing I think about

 

[dctb]

my suicidal thoughts are old enough to buy alcohol lol, around 18 years, writing this had me realize it's been almost 2/3 of my life that i've felt this way

what kept me going for the past 4 years was adopting a dog, it's not been all rainbows as she has trauma from her life before and can be a bitch , but it's honestly so rewarding looking back, she came a long way, i'm proud of her, caring for her is definitely why i get up in the morning

 

[NoLightRemains]

I had suicidal ideation from around ages 10-18, then I was mostly in remission until I was 27, now it's been almost 3 years of it being a rather persistent thought. No real attempts.

 

[Hollowman]

Off and on for 36 years.

 

[BlazingBob]

25 years. My dogs. They're very old. Once the last one goes so do I. My health has been so bad I'm actually thinking about finding someone to look after them so I can ctb immediately. Every second of every day is unbearable.