How long have you been suicidal?

[TVtrays]

It started when I was 13, got worse through my high school years as I realized I was gay, worsened at age 19-20, I got in a relationship with an abuser (whom I've posted about here in the past), it got worse than ever. She even tried to make a suicide pact with me. I said no, because I dodn't want to be involved in any way with her death, so she said she decided to do it with her new girlfriend who she said meant more to her anyway. Removed her from my life a year ago, dealth with severe acute PTSD symptoms that eventually resolved, but suicidality remained. First suicidal thought was 12 years ago, consistent suicidality for about 7 years. Basically, deep down, I've been convinced of my intention to die by suicide for 7 years. I have had years of therapy, hospitalizations, CBT, DBT, medications, etc. I have tried to act as if my life were really worth living but it always feels like I'm being purposefully naive when I do that. I grew up being taught nothing but shame, so I have always hated myself and everything about myself. I've dealt with so much pain that I never made it anywhere in life. So yeah... I'm on the fence about recovery

 

[DeprivedofLife666]

I actually became suicidal a couple or so weeks ago. My living situation is pure hell. Can't go anywhere, etc. etc. Not going to repost my life story. I got sick of waiting for my freedom from my able-bodied grandparents so I'm just counting down the days until I have enough of what I need to gtfo

 

[NorseHel]

About 4 months, after an event. Before I was perfectly happy and would never consider suicide.

Mind if I ask about this? Either way, I'm sorry your life has been turned upside down like this.

 

[ornitier199]

All my life. Because as far as I remember, it's always been one step behind me. I know there are dreams and reality. The reality is, it will always end that way as a guarantee.

 

[sharky]

5 months, I was hoping something would save me but I guess that ain't happening.

 

[fatefulstillness]

I've been suicidal for over 10 years. I'm not really sure when it started, though, because I used to think about death a lot as a child. It physically hurts to try to remember, a lot has been lost.

 

[Darkover]

i've always been suicidal since the age of 18(2004) due to a relationship breakdown and being unable to find someone else to replace her, this place can't even look after our most basic needs like providing a loving caring environment to flourish in, the earth isn't anywhere near being capable of looking after the things it creates it just abandons them to thier own device in a deadly environment, i've been living with a brain injury since july 2016(age30) i've been sucidal everyday not a day goes by that i don't think of just ending it all the only resaon im still alive is because i don't have access yet to peacefull way to leave in my sleep, what did we do to deserve this dreadful life.

 

[Al_stargate]

Mind if I ask about this? Either way, I'm sorry your life has been turned upside down like this.

Botched surgery. Quality of my life has been greatly reduced, I don't wanna go on like this. Surgeon lied to me. The surgery didn't even cost that much so I'm baffled as to why he would lie to me and put my life on the line. And even face legal consequences. Private clinic has been in work for 15 years with no bad reviews, so I'm having hard time believing this happened to me.

 

[ornitier199]

And then there's money held to such a high regard in the world. The root of so much varying despair in all shapes and forms.

 

[NorseHel]

Botched surgery. Quality of my life has been greatly reduced, I don't wanna go on like this. Surgeon lied to me. The surgery didn't even cost that much so I'm baffled as to why he would lie to me and put my life on the line. And even face legal consequences. Private clinic has been in work for 15 years with no bad reviews, so I'm having hard time believing this happened to me.

I'm very sorry to hear that. I've been growing increasingly disappointed with the medical system over the past few years, and I've heard countless stories of people's lives being ruined by careless doctors, it's absolutely appalling.

 

[Chico56]

For almost half a year. The only thing keeping me going is the joy of work. If this is gone I'm certain I will do it. SN is already ordered

 

[whatevs]

Just a few years. I was unhappy most of my life, but it only became death-sentencish recently.

 

[CrazyNihilist]

Been 39 years for me. I was 17 at the time and going through chemotherapy for bone cancer that took my lower left leg. To quote Deadpool, there have been brief "commercial like" moments of happiness throughout the regular scheduled suicidal programming since then. First real attempt was last year and still wish it was successful to this day.

 

[Tav]

For about 5 years.

 

[unlucky melancholia]

Since I was 14...

 

[ClownMe]

Since about 11 or 12ish

 

[thefoodispoison]

I too have done the same thing, there is always a voice in the back of my mind saying, "Dont worry, you are just going to blow your head off anway." That msg has been repeating about as long as I can recall.

Yeah, in a lot of ways my life has just happened to me. I didn't plan much or have ambition for school or jobs because it wasn't going to matter soon. Here I am over twenty years later...

 

[HowNowBrownCow]

since I was ~9. I'm in my early 20s now

 

[miserable_existance]

since 2006 i was 15 then

 

[VoidDesirer22]

I've always thought about it since I was a teenager I have always said I was going to kill myself when things got hard but was never fully set on it until September 29th of last year.. that is the day I felt my soul be stripped from me. My ❤ was weighed on the ⚖ of Ma'at and was way heavier than a feather.. Ever since then I have seen no point in living. Since then I have actually taken the steps toward planning it out. How long have you been dead set in wanting to CTB?

Ctb has always been an option for 7 years for me. As for being dead set: I would say since November 2021.

 

[Klo]

I've always thought about it since I was a teenager I have always said I was going to kill myself when things got hard but was never fully set on it until September 29th of last year.. that is the day I felt my soul be stripped from me. My ❤ was weighed on the ⚖ of Ma'at and was way heavier than a feather.. Ever since then I have seen no point in living. Since then I have actually taken the steps toward planning it out. How long have you been dead set in wanting to CTB?

First memory of wanting to die was at 5 years old.

 

[ShadowsFall]

When I was 20 for almost 2 years. During that time I attempted suicide and failed 4 times. There were some brief periods later on were I had suicidal thoughts and began the process of planning out an attempt. Things would become subjectively better and I would change my mind for whatever reason. I'm now 40, and really see no point in existing anymore. Coincidentally, it will be 2 years in June.

 

[jcksonb22]

7 years. i'm 23 now. i've had months where it gets better, but it always comes back.

 

[JamieJambo]

About 4 months, after an event. Before I was perfectly happy and would never consider suicide.

That's very interesting. Id be similar myself.. I've experienced a lot of happiness in my time. but lately its all turned to shit. Can I ask what happened to you?

 

[Al_stargate]

That's very interesting. Id be similar myself.. I've experienced a lot of happiness in my time. but lately its all turned to shit. Can I ask what happened to you?

Botched surgery. I wrote it in one of the posts above. If you wanna chat feel free to send me private message.

 

[Judy Garland]

My first suicide attempt was at 17. I mixed engine coolant (anti-freeze) into a peanut butter milk shake and drank it one day after school. At about 10 at night, I was throwing up in the toilet and my parents knew something was wrong (the way my cat was acting added to that, he was meowing all worried, trying to get their attention). They took me to the hospital where I had to have dialysis for a few days. All through my 20s I had wished I were dead, had another attempt (tried to overdose on hydromorphone). And now I'm in my late 30s and I AM going to be dead soon. The only way I'll fail now is if someone is alarmed by my heavy breathing (could be like snoring) from SN and notifies the "Heroes" erm, I mean EMT's. Hopefully, whether I choose in the woods or in my living room I'll be left alone and will finally succeed.

 

[zombiekitty]

Since high school; I'm thirty now. The urge to kill myself comes and goes.

 

[JakeFlake]

Too long...

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Off and on since I realized I had dysphoria. Then when it festered to hell last May, I've spent 90% of every day wishing I was dead.

 

[Starryeyes]

7 years