Discussion How long have you been suicidal?

[Sonnenblume]

Just wondered how long everyone here has been suicidal, and if you have any previous attempts.

I've been suicidal since I realized I was on a cesspool planet and I'm going to suffer for no good reason, and then realized suicide was even a thing. So, about age 10. I've attempted I think about 5 times. First time was when I was in 9th grade. I overdosed on Tylenol but just projectile vomited a few times and was fine. Next time was college, tried partial suspension hanging from my dorm room closet. I didn't even get dizzy. Had forgotten about this time until a few days ago, actually. 3rd was a few years after college, when I lived with an abusive ex and was desperate to get out, tried drinking myself to death. Just threw up a lot and was fine. 4th time was last year, as my health started getting worse, trying strangulation with a strap. I'm too fat for it to work properly lol. 5th time I tried overdosing on OTC meds and putting a bag over my head, but I just vomited blood and foam a few times, never fainted.

 

[wanttodie]

for about 15 years know and want to die more and more every day going to end it one day soon

 

[Kfoe!12]

Two years, I should be dead by now.

 

[Sonnenblume]

for about 15 years know and want to die more and more every day going to end it one day soon

Ditto, it's just gotten worse as I get older. That "it gets better" crap is a lie. No one knows that. And even when it does get better, things go back downhill sooner or later.

 

[ImNotBatman]

I've been actively suicidal for about 7 years now.
Four attempts, Xanax, helium(police involved), car exhaust in garage, and a police involved gun suicide.

 

[Tomasnil]

Just passed 30 years now tried first time at age 13 ( didnt cut deep enough ) and last time was last year.

Every time i get a little close to making it and i know next time will be my last time trying. I know what to do i just dont jnow when yet.

 

[Tiredman]

First thought about it around age 13 but didn't actually try until I was 18.

 

[Sonnenblume]

I've been actively suicidal for about 7 years now.
Four attempts, Xanax, helium(police involved), car exhaust in garage, and a police involved gun suicide.

Holy shit, were you taken into custody with the police one? If you don't mind me asking

 

[bag.of.cats]

For about 10 years now. It only got worse with time, when I realized things are getting worse, not better.

 

[El Topo]

I've been actively suicidal for about 7 years now.
Four attempts, Xanax, helium(police involved), car exhaust in garage, and a police involved gun suicide.

Hi, would you mind telling us more about the police-involved gun attempt? What exactly happened?

 

[Malice1]

I was mildly suicidal most of my life. Its not until about a year ago that i really started looking up methods and considering on doing it.

 

[ImNotBatman]

Holy shit, were you taken into custody with the police one? If you don't mind me asking

The helium one ended up with me in jail, yes. They hit me with a bunch of charges, I spent a year and a half on probation.

The gun one, the state I was in, just locks you in a pysch ward for a week and then keep the gun.

 

[Sonnenblume]

The helium one ended up with me in jail, yes. They hit me with a bunch of charges, I spent a year and a half on probation.

The gun one, the state I was in, just locks you in a pysch ward for a week and then keep the gun.

wait, how did the helium one land you in jail? neither helium nor suicide are illegal, well not here in the states anyways...

 

[NotTheStatusQuo]

The first memory I have of wanting to die was when I was 10, but I'm not sure if I qualified as being suicidal back then. I really started wishing I was dead in my teens, so it's been about 10 years now. I've never seriously considered it until recently. I'm as close to doing it now as I've ever been.

 

[Tiredman]

The helium one ended up with me in jail, yes. They hit me with a bunch of charges, I spent a year and a half on probation.

If you don't mind me asking what kind of charges did the give you

 

[SleepItOff]

First thoughts at 8 years old. Then it became a casual fascination through the rest of my life; near-actual attempt at 15, first true attempt at 22. Treatment afterwards seemed to be working, but it turned out it was just inducing a prolonged manic state. Add debilitating narcolepsy to the mix, and you have a case that's essentially untreatable.
We've tried everything, but the only halfway effective means to treat are:
1. Incredibly expensive, and not sustainable in the long run.
2. Mania-inducing
3. Incompatible with my narcolepsy, which itself isn't touched by topline treatments.

I don't want to degenerate any further, and I don't want to waste any more of my family's money throwing good after bad. My body's getting weaker and weaker too; people are starting to notice. It's getting harder to keep up a pretense that I'm functional. All I want is sleep.

 

[ImNotBatman]

If you don't mind me asking what kind of charges did the give you

To answer both questions,
The cops intervened and I ran away from them.
Resisting arrest(felony)
Handgun without a permit(backup in car)
Ran into a park where there was a curfew(after hours) got criminal mischief as well.

But, it was all shady, the cops kicked me in the back of the head upon approach of me on the ground, split my chin wide open. Thankfully the judge saw through everything and i got a good deal.

 

[dhk96]

I 'knew' around 4th or 5th grade so it's been around a decade for me. But I never tried because I couldn't find painless methods back then, and sites were always discouraging suicide with risk factors and such. I would push off dying every year because I believed an older and more determined me could do it.

I'm graduating from college next year so that's the current deadline I'm setting for myself. I plan to CTB in my dorm room to avoid dying in the house and making things messier for my parents, if they ever plan to sell the house and move somewhere smaller.

 

[Lisa]

2 years now

I have another year to go til I can go

Need to wrap up things

 

[sadak_the_wanderer]

My earliest memory of thinking of it as an option was when I was around seven years old.

It has always been lingering about as sort of a fallback position since my teens. In the last decade, it has become more present in the back of my mind. For the past three years, the idea has appeared in my mind more or less hourly.

 

[Kira]

I started having suicidal thoughts around 13 or so, I think. Since then death was always at the back of my mind, but with all of the ups and downs how suicidal I actually was varied. I didn't seriously consider it until I was around 15. Admittedly, my 'attempt' was pretty stupid. I took a bunch of allergy pills and thought I wouldn't wake up. I still laugh at that honestly. The next day, I went to school and told my friend about it. After I told her, she told the teachers. After that they called my mom and explained the situation to her when she arrived at the school. That was beyond embarrassing. The school also wouldn't allow me to return until I saw a doctor of some sort. They probably figured I didn't need to be hospitalized because of how dumb my attempt was. I started actually researching methods around 16-17, popping in and out of suicide forums and chats. I haven't had any other attempts. I want to be fully prepared and make sure I succeed next time.

 

[Tired]

My entire life. I remember when I was a child and didn't really understand what death or suicide was I used to wish I could sleep forever and not wake up. Since then it's been a constant state of suicidal depression and I can't see any end. Sometimes I can distract myself with media but It's short lived and inevitably I end up back in this state. I don't feel welcome in the world and I wish I could just go to the doctor and opt out but I'm probably going to have to buy a rope and hike into the woods.

 

[millefeui]

Technically 12 years (from 15 to my current 27 years of shitty lifetime), though earlier today I remembered that I already thought about dying (but not in killing myself, specifically) for longer than that. It certainly says something about a person when she already fantasized about dying as a children.

 

[Safira]

I've been anxious and depressed i think as a result of bullying and toxic family members (initially anyway) since i was about 9 or 10? Didn't recognise it as depression until i was 13-14 and throughout highschool and college i've slowly become more and more disconnected with others and dissociated. I haven't actively been suicidal, it has always just been the way i know i will go, i want that final piece of control over my life because the rest of it has been so unpredictable and disorientating.

 

[I'm So Tired]

About 4 years.

 

[Chewy]

Depression controlled for 20 years with meds. Last 3 months with vision issues that will only go downhill. I went to VA for help with severe anxiety. After telling them how bad it was - they wanted to treat me for sleep apnea. Wrong. I've already been scammed with nebula buy but bought sodium nitrite. I will be at the mercy of nobody.

 

[Sonnenblume]

Depression controlled for 20 years with meds. Last 3 months with vision issues that will only go downhill. I went to VA for help with severe anxiety. After telling them how bad it was - they wanted to treat me for sleep apnea. Wrong. I've already been scammed with nebula buy but bought sodium nitrite. I will be at the mercy of nobody.

Be sure to take an antiemetic if you decide on nitrite.

 

[Tiburcio]

I never tried suicide yet. So technically, I never was suicidal...

 

[FakeNews]

Started having suicidal ideation in high school. Created plans on and off starting in college. Have always had access to means. Done a couple rehearsals during my life, never carried out an attempt. I don't accept failure - when I decide the time is right, it will done correctly. But through the years, I've had both good and bad times - sometimes my thoughts of demise are constant and other times almost non-existent. So, how long? About 40 years.

 

[Nemiik]

I've been pretty passively suicidal for 3-4 years, but I started looking into methods and such 2-3 years ago. My mother found out around the time but she doesn't care ( only passively is like 'oh no :/' lol, which i'm thankful for. I'd be so shitty if I was put under some form of suicide watch ). I haven't tried to yet, since life isn't absolute shit. I doubt I will until 1.5 years from now. After that, I know I'll start seriously deciding how, when, etc. :v

Or, who knows, maybe life will look up for me and I'll decide I want to live. ( though, I know i'll still support choice, even if that happens. )