How long have you been suicidal for?

[sm20]

My depression started when I was 12, and while I talked about suicide back then, I don't think I genuinely considered doing anything until I was 16. I got better from ages 17-19 and sort of when I was 20. My whole body decided to take a nosedive as far as health goes, partially my fault because a lot of it is because I damaged my hearing without knowing about tinnitus or hyperacusis. Over the past 15 months everythings gotten gradually worse and now I'm back to being suicidal again, worse than ever before and I don't think I'll be recovering this time.

 

[goat]

20 years :)
Shit started when I was a kid.
And I finally decided it's time.
After 20 years suffering miserably I'll catch that bus Sunday evening. Im so relieved! I think I deserve to rest, I deserve to not suffer anymore. I have put together enough love for myself for doing this, it's my gift from me to myself. I'll go in peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

When I was really young I didn't think of suicide but I have never liked living. It has just never seemed right to me being alive. I have always hated the idea of old age. I have wanted to ctb for a long time since I was a teenager, death has always comforted me, the fact that it makes all of life meaningless. Things have gotten worse the last year as I have been experiencing health problems. I should have gone years ago really.

 

[sm20]

When I was really young I didn't think of suicide but I have never liked living. It has just never seemed right to me being alive. I have always hated the idea of old age. I have wanted to ctb for a long time since I was a teenager, death has always comforted me, the fact that it makes all of life meaningless. Things have gotten worse the last year as I have been experiencing health problems. I should have gone years ago really.

Does the idea of actually doing ctb stress you out or do you not have access to a good method, or both? I finally ordered sn but the thought of drinking it stresses me out so much I won't probably drink it until it's about to expire, unless I start losing my vision faster than that.

 

[Rayzieka]

Might sound weird but honestly, I remember even when I was a little kid id think about dying to get out of my situation.
I guess I wouldn't call it suicidal until I was about 11 though when I realized it was obtainable. Never took action until I was around 18 though.
But destructive behavior probably started around 11.

 

[sm20]

20 years :)
Shit started when I was a kid.
And I finally decided it's time.
After 20 years suffering miserably I'll catch that bus Sunday evening. Im so relieved! I think I deserve to rest, I deserve to not suffer anymore. I have put together enough love for myself for doing this, it's my gift from me to myself. I'll go in peace.

I wish I could be as calm as you, it's the right mindset to have but I still have an irrational fear of death even though worst case scenario it's a neutral experience. I believe in some sort of God but I don't know about an after life or reincarnation, the thought of having no idea what to expect is what scares me more than what it might actually be I think.

 

[WornOutLife]

Since I was 12!!! Goddamn high school!

 

[goat]

I wish I could be as calm as you, it's the right mindset to have but I still have an irrational fear of death even though worst case scenario it's a neutral experience. I believe in some sort of God but I don't know about an after life or reincarnation, the thought of having no idea what to expect is what scares me more than what it might actually be I think.

Maybe I'm that calm because on top of all that I don't believe in any sort of afterlife. I think the maximum god is the nothingness, the nothingness that will embrace every single thing in the universe. This thought really makes me calm and in peace. The concept of "nothing" really soothes me.

 

[Scribble Fan]

6 years. I first became suicidal in high school and I've been stuck in this depressing pit ever since. I hope eventually I can CTB and escape. So far all I've learned is that suicide is much harder than it seems.

 

[Pookie]

About 8 years but actively suicidal for almost 3 of those years. And many years before that I survived a suicide attempt so I must've been depressed back then too, I was just too numb to realise it.

 

[Conk]

Pasive suicidal ideation since i was like 16, Active (With a plan , tools and everything) since 2 years ago.

 

[Ch92921]

why I have to continue this life?

 

[FuneralCry]

Does the idea of actually doing ctb stress you out or do you not have access to a good method, or both? I finally ordered sn but the thought of drinking it stresses me out so much I won't probably drink it until it's about to expire, unless I start losing my vision faster than that.

Both really. It's just so hard to die and survival instinct gets in the way.

 

[MrAsclepius]

Too long.

 

[LenkaX]

About 18 years, roughly since the age of 20. And the pain is increasing day after day. No psychotherapy has ever worked.

My pain is now in the stage of no-return. Nothing can help me and nobody can heal me and I'm aware of this.

I gave up long time ago. Now it's definitely over for me. There is nothing to live for.

CTB is imminent.

 

[greyhound]

21 years... but on and off during that period. Not like with a gun to my head the whole time.