How long have you been suicidal for? (poll)

[leavingthesoultrap]

It's been more than a year for me.

 

[hikikomorizombie]

just hit my 6th year mark of true, deep wanting for death!!!i'm 21 & i 100% can't let myself rot till my bday this year.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

6-10 but im old. and I only recently discovered other resources aside from the usual methods.

 

[Kaliphornia]

30 yrs

 

[Darkover]

nearly 20 years since turning 18 and losing my gf and never getting another one now 37

 

[Soc]

I was doing quite well till I had some major issues with former friends that could impact the rest of my life. Now I'm thinking about it every day and just working out when/where. Don't enjoy living much anymore.

 

[Life_and_Death]

borderline 10
it started when i was 14 and im 24. to know if i fall between 6-10 or 11 would involve more specific info than i have XD

 

[RosebyAnyName]

Since I could first remember / all my life.

I was in early gradeschool when I first told others I would ctb if my life didn't get better when I got older (and I got in trouble for saying it). Even before I knew what the "terminology" was for CTB or that it was possible, I fantasized about "not existing", sleeping and never waking up, or disappearing like magic because I hated being conscious.

I'm actually surprised based on the current poll results that this is a minority of users.

Edit: fixed wording

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I cannot remember ever wanting to exist, I'm certainly not meant to exist in this cruel and disgusting world, existence itself is the true problem so for me it only makes sense wishing for the peace of eternal nothingness. Even when I was very young I found so much comfort in the thought of eternally ceasing to exist, I'll always see it as better to not exist no matter what.

 

[Neowise]

The first time I talked about killing myself was at the age of 8 or 9. I doubt that I was really serious about this and I can't recall when exactly I started getting really depressed, but this shows that my negative thoughts started early. I can't even recall what a happy life without depression feels like, I only have vague memories from my childhood. In the poll I voted "all my life".

 

[UKscotty]

About 25 years but it comes in waves. Sometimes want to CTB, others I get on with life.

Once someone is suicidal once in their life, its highly likely we will die to suicide, even if we seemingly recover and get well.

The last year or so has been a more towards wanting to CTB but the SI gets in the way every time.

Over the years I have done some crazy stuff, setup and built a guillotine, setup an intricate H2S system, tried CO in a tent, went to jump, setup hanging rigs, been in possession of cyanide, pentobarbital and SN. I do NOT have any of these substances or machines setup anymore - before the police want to smash down the door at 5am.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I voted "all my life" because I remember talking about wanting to be dead as early as four years old. I had a very abusive and traumatic childhood. My earliest memories are of being abused, hiding under my bed, crying and screaming, blood and wishing I wasn't here.

Once suicide became a possibility in my mind as a child, it never strayed far from my thoughts.

 

[thinvy]

hm. I guess it's been around 16 years since it sunk in that I could die. that long since survivors guilt kicked it

 

[Dot]

3

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

For as long as I can remember.
I've always had a desire to ctb but never knew good/safer methods. Once I hit a certain low and lost any and all hope I found this site.
I certainly wish I found it sooner so I wouldn't suffer but I always had something to work towards that helped cope. I lost that and could care less about recovery.

 

[NoAIarmsNoSurprises]

Two years and a half for me. I've always had depression but it took a nose dive during 2022's summer, there was a lot of factors at play that pushed me to my limit. At the same time, I was taking medicine that made me very emotional and anxious, it unearthed a lot of suppressed memories. I was trying to remedy this with spirituality, astrology and philosophy. Instead I found an efilist who ctbed using a method he found here. That's when it occurred to me that I didn't have to suffer anymore. I just wish it all could've happened sooner, preferably before I reached my 20s.

 

[Forever Sleep]

34 years to varying intensities.

 

[Dolphin55]

Kind of surprised by how many of us are in the 6-10 category.
for the guys in the 'couple months' category…I mean guys, I say with this with all the love in the world, but give things a chance before coming here to find ways to end things! People you see on this forum are in small minority of people, many people recover from depressed/suicidal episodes, a couple months really isn't enough to decide you want to make the most final decision you'll ever make.

 

[boddibo]

Tough question... I was quite young when I realize CTB is something I could do to end my suffering... but I wasn't actively suicidal back then. Now everything is more concrete in my mind.

 

[caninecomposer]

My first memories were of horrible agony, crying my heart out from both lonely neglect and painful abuse. And it hasn't ever gotten any better since then. I've always just wanted it to stop.

 

[turbomightbegone]

I don't exactly remember but I suspect I've been somewhat suicidal for at least a year. I find it ironic how I used to try and help people mentally when I was younger and yet now I cant even help myself.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

The second I found out that life is basically a lottery that you have a 10% of winning.

 

[Immensevoid]

Passively suicidal about 10 years, actively 1 year.

 

[jbear824]

Almost 27 years. I turn 34 this year.

 

[kunikuzushi]

My first suicidal thought was around 15 years ago, and the thoughts were pretty constant. But the past 5-6 years have been suicidal thoughts every day and the acceptance that I will die by suicide.

 

[migimortis]

This threads tearing me up, I guess there's only one way this is gona end...

 

[Callmeswerve]

Since I was 12ish- so I guess around 11 years. Crazy to think that almost half my life I've just wanted to not be here anymore.

 

[whotookmylexapro]

A couple months now, i know its crazy but ive been dealing with mental illness and trauma for a couple years BUT holding out for hope. But i can feel it dwindling which is why im here

 

[BlockHammer]

My suicidal thought manifest at around 2021, back then it wasn't as severed as now. But eversince i didn't get a job yet despite how much i applied, the thought of suicide is just getting stronger and stronger

 

[Abyssal]

My first half hearted attempt was at 8-9 and I'm now 21. You do the math