I re-watched Death Note a few months ago. For a long time my favorite anime of all time. Maybe it still is. I perceived it very differnently after like a decade of not watching it.
I find it interesting. I also watch the TV series House of Lies again. And the portrayal of sex is so skewed and not healthy for an adolescent to consume. I might write a thread about it.
As a teenager I wanted to be like Light Yagami. The best student very eager, always the smartest. I never had the social skills like him. He is very popular among women.
I think trying to be like someone in a TV series is in general not always the best approach. There is something about Light Yagami I disagreed a lot when I was a teenager. At one time point he says he needs regular and long sleep in order to perform well at exams. And for his own health. He actually wanted to live a long life (as God of a new world LMAO).
When I was a teenager I barely slept. I was in a mixed manic-depressive episode I wasn't aware of. I drank so fucking much coffee. I think sometimes like 8 coffees a day. My dangerous hypomanic behavior listening to way too loud music via earphones and drinking absurd amount of coffees. I think the stories of other teenager when they are in a mixed manic-depressive state are more thrilling. I am glad I had no risky sexual behavior or awkward stuff like that. I always had a good impulse control.
My mom even beat me because I studied so much that I refused to go to sleep. Which is cynical because she started to beat me for not wokring hard enough in the first place. But I slept like 3 hours sometimes every day except one. It was an insane time prior to my first psychosis. I had summer vacation (8 weeks) and all I wanted to do was studying. (insane what abuse does to someone sometimes...) It was the sole goal in my life. And having a girlfriend. Lol. I had no clue how to achieve that. There was a time in the summer holidays where I didn't sleep and I simply studied the whole night. 3 months later I had my psychosis. And the therapist obviously didn't asked himself why a person with a somewhat sound mind (when not psychotic) would tend to such extremem behavior. They didn't dig deeper.
When I went to college the second time. I was on antipsychotics. And I realized how extremely important my sleep rhythm is for not becoming hypomanic. (I am bipolar). Though, the rules of my life completely changed when I realized being hypomanic has desastrous longterm consequences. It was insane to realize that in my second crash after my second psychosis. I felt like my brain tricked me. But no therapists told me I sounded hypomanic when I was which was stupid as fuck from them.
So in the longrun Light was right. Sleep is very important for one's health. Lol. For my health probably even more important. For performance in the longrun regualr sleep is probably better. But not everyone needs it. I wanted to become politician as teenager and you hear stories that most high politicians have not much sleep. At least in my country. When it was in a better shape. Lol. I am not sure whether sleep is important for my performance at exams. I always envied people who could take all nighters prior to exams. I think this can give you an advantage at exams because of the shortterm memory. But in the longrun it can make people deeply ill. Not all but many. The resilience is decisive. And as I had to learn my resilience is close to zero. When I was hypomanic I thought my resilience would have been insane. I was wrong. Lol. I am a mental wreck but I wasn't aware of it.
Honestly, it gives me chill in my bones thinking about the first time going to college. I made an ass out of myself. I was visibly psychotic. Thinking about it is sort of traumatizing. I almost killed myself out of shame afterwards. I promised me no more in my life do I want to go back to the clinic for people with psychosis. And I never went there again. It felt like an extreme humiliation. I was in so fucking much pain. The extreme psychosomatic pain was extreme torture. It felt like it was tearing me apart. The pain level was so insane. It was in my legs and it never went away. It took like 1-2 years to disappear completely. It is now 6 years later and thus far no more psychosomatic pain. I should let bygones be bygones with the memories of the first time at the university. People who mock someone in a psychosis are scum. I think some didn't know the details. I was in a psychosis I am not sure. But one time I had a psychotic outbreak in front of other people. It is so horrible to think about it. And I flirted with women. The shame almost killed me. So glad I am more introverted. I met a young student at the psychosis clinic who thought in his psychosis he had a girlfriend. He told us he wanted to slap her ass. And everyone at school made fun of him. At least I wasn't overt sexual. There are people who run naked at passports during their psychosis at an airport and who go viral. I am just very awkward more cringe towards women. They considered it funny. I have to say worse things could have happened. Some people throw away huge amounts of money.
Lol I started rambling.
I find it interesting. I also watch the TV series House of Lies again. And the portrayal of sex is so skewed and not healthy for an adolescent to consume. I might write a thread about it.
As a teenager I wanted to be like Light Yagami. The best student very eager, always the smartest. I never had the social skills like him. He is very popular among women.
I think trying to be like someone in a TV series is in general not always the best approach. There is something about Light Yagami I disagreed a lot when I was a teenager. At one time point he says he needs regular and long sleep in order to perform well at exams. And for his own health. He actually wanted to live a long life (as God of a new world LMAO).
When I was a teenager I barely slept. I was in a mixed manic-depressive episode I wasn't aware of. I drank so fucking much coffee. I think sometimes like 8 coffees a day. My dangerous hypomanic behavior listening to way too loud music via earphones and drinking absurd amount of coffees. I think the stories of other teenager when they are in a mixed manic-depressive state are more thrilling. I am glad I had no risky sexual behavior or awkward stuff like that. I always had a good impulse control.
My mom even beat me because I studied so much that I refused to go to sleep. Which is cynical because she started to beat me for not wokring hard enough in the first place. But I slept like 3 hours sometimes every day except one. It was an insane time prior to my first psychosis. I had summer vacation (8 weeks) and all I wanted to do was studying. (insane what abuse does to someone sometimes...) It was the sole goal in my life. And having a girlfriend. Lol. I had no clue how to achieve that. There was a time in the summer holidays where I didn't sleep and I simply studied the whole night. 3 months later I had my psychosis. And the therapist obviously didn't asked himself why a person with a somewhat sound mind (when not psychotic) would tend to such extremem behavior. They didn't dig deeper.
When I went to college the second time. I was on antipsychotics. And I realized how extremely important my sleep rhythm is for not becoming hypomanic. (I am bipolar). Though, the rules of my life completely changed when I realized being hypomanic has desastrous longterm consequences. It was insane to realize that in my second crash after my second psychosis. I felt like my brain tricked me. But no therapists told me I sounded hypomanic when I was which was stupid as fuck from them.
So in the longrun Light was right. Sleep is very important for one's health. Lol. For my health probably even more important. For performance in the longrun regualr sleep is probably better. But not everyone needs it. I wanted to become politician as teenager and you hear stories that most high politicians have not much sleep. At least in my country. When it was in a better shape. Lol. I am not sure whether sleep is important for my performance at exams. I always envied people who could take all nighters prior to exams. I think this can give you an advantage at exams because of the shortterm memory. But in the longrun it can make people deeply ill. Not all but many. The resilience is decisive. And as I had to learn my resilience is close to zero. When I was hypomanic I thought my resilience would have been insane. I was wrong. Lol. I am a mental wreck but I wasn't aware of it.
Honestly, it gives me chill in my bones thinking about the first time going to college. I made an ass out of myself. I was visibly psychotic. Thinking about it is sort of traumatizing. I almost killed myself out of shame afterwards. I promised me no more in my life do I want to go back to the clinic for people with psychosis. And I never went there again. It felt like an extreme humiliation. I was in so fucking much pain. The extreme psychosomatic pain was extreme torture. It felt like it was tearing me apart. The pain level was so insane. It was in my legs and it never went away. It took like 1-2 years to disappear completely. It is now 6 years later and thus far no more psychosomatic pain. I should let bygones be bygones with the memories of the first time at the university. People who mock someone in a psychosis are scum. I think some didn't know the details. I was in a psychosis I am not sure. But one time I had a psychotic outbreak in front of other people. It is so horrible to think about it. And I flirted with women. The shame almost killed me. So glad I am more introverted. I met a young student at the psychosis clinic who thought in his psychosis he had a girlfriend. He told us he wanted to slap her ass. And everyone at school made fun of him. At least I wasn't overt sexual. There are people who run naked at passports during their psychosis at an airport and who go viral. I am just very awkward more cringe towards women. They considered it funny. I have to say worse things could have happened. Some people throw away huge amounts of money.
Lol I started rambling.
Last edited:
