Venting how im currently feeling

[kiiyaa]

i feel bad like really fucking bad. i feel panicky im shaky. idk why i feel terrible i wanna cry and scream i feel so bad so very bad. idk if i can sleep i want to sleep but i also dont want to.

i took 40mg of hydroxyzine and it did nothing so i think i need more. i took 120mg last time and it put me to sleep almost immediately and i stayed asleep until my alarm rang. i lessened the dosage cuz i thought maybe 120mg was a bit much. but 40mg isnt doing shit. i feel more awake than i did before.

i feel like im mentally hyperventilating my thoughts are all over the place. i feel unsafe in my room i dont feel safe i feel scared i dont even want to move. i cant sleep i cant but i dont want to be awake i just want to sleep why can i never sleep.

i have school tomorrow im stressed i have midterms and work i need to catch up on because i was absent for a few days. i have so much to do. track season started today i have practice all week from now until the end of the season. theres too much.

how am i supposed to go to college and get a degree and a job like this i cant i have to but it's gonna suck and i might get worse theres nothing left for me. im gonna work for the rest of my life and die a lower middle class citizen. i'll never go anywhere or do anything im gonna get a job get married and have kids and fucking die thats all i have to and probably will end up doing.

what am i doing i dont even know im panicking i feel so bad idk what to do i cant keep doing whatever it is im doing. im not even doing anything i never do anything. do people even like me?? i feel like a burden i might just take the rest of my hydroxyzine or whatever idec now im just i dont know i dont know anymore. i know i sound dramatic and like a crybaby everyone else can do all this and more theyre fine even better than fine really theyre succeeding and doing the things i'll never do. im lazy right? probably. existing is hard like really fucking hard and idk if i can keep doing it it's so exhausting.

i just dont want to exist anymore idk if i wanna ctb or just not exist i just dont want to feel or be i just want to not exist. i feel like im going crazy im trying to watch happy videos or stuff abt literally anything that catches my interest it's not working it's literally not. i feel exposed like something can just grab me i hate it hiding in the blankets isnt working. im jumping from video to video without even finishing one im just clicking on stuff i wanna watch but i never even watch it i feel so unsatisfied and im like why cant i just watch the video??

i dont expect anyone to read this tbh. i wish there were people waiting on me i wish i woke up to text messages i wish people checked in or just talked about anything just to talk to me i wish i was someone my friends wanted to actually talk to. i wish i was special. i wish i wish i wish thats all i do. when i try to improve it turns out im just mediocre and i'll never amount to anything and i'll live a mundane life until i die.

i'll never be important or special until im dead. then everyone i've ever known will gather and feel bad that im dead and then they'll move on and then it'll be like i never existed there'll be no proof i was ever a human being on this earth my headstone is the only proof. there'll be no memory of me because im not significant enough to remember i'll have left no mark on this world and really thats expected because im a normal person living a normal life and normal people arent remembered for being normal.

the only memorable thing i can do is ctb honestly if i killed myself then people would wonder why and it'd be this whole thing until it got old and nobody cares about it anymore.

i just wanna be special thats probably why i keep messing with guys i dont even like. i feel bad for just talking to them i know all they want is my body and i know i can give them that but i dont want to give them that. i feel bad because then i do give in sometimes and send them things that can ruin my life but really what life is there to ruin? im already at rock bottom im basically just digging deeper now. theres no light at the end of the tunnel because theres no end to the tunnel it keeps going and theres nothing at all nothing nothing nothing. theres nothing for me or anyone i guess. maybe everyone feels better thinking that there is something and thats why they live such content lives.

nothing we do matters. nothing i do matters. nothing.

ive thought of like seeing a therapist and i honestly want to see a psychiatrist just for the meds but i know my parents wont let me take meds and be basically braindead for the rest of my life. the best i can get is therapy but i dont even know if i wanna do that. i dont really like change. having to see a therapist and talk about how i feel is kinda like not sonething i want to do it sounds tedious. i just wanna be numb.

my shoulder hurts i feel exhausted but ive done nothing so why am i so tired? idk anymore this is getting long i think i could say more but i dont rly want to.

im watching the clock change time is slipping away i have less hours of sleep and i have to go back to school tomorrow. i dont think i can do it. i think im js gonna down the rest of the hydroxyzine and call it a night. goodnight.

 

[Untimely]

hey I just wanted to say that I read the whole post and I understand what you are going through. it happens to me too. especially the part about not feeling important or special, i feel like that all the time

 

[Ember]

You might be a tad bit overwhelmed, I can't necessarily relate to your situation specifically, since usually I just fall apart and you somehow still function, at least to some degree. I don't really know how you do it but I think that's something to be proud of. Not that you should feel proud of it, I find there's a distinction between what you might think you should feel, and what you actually feel. And that said dissonance makes you feel worse because you think that you shouldn't be feeling bad.

I still haven't really figured out how to tackle the mountains of stuff living requires of me. But I believe that you might need to prioritise and then set small objectives. Odds are if you're feeling very bad, it's going to be very difficult to do anything which will lead to you not meeting your objectives, which will make you feel worse and so on. So you prioritise (the process of which requires thinking and will suck very very very much) to then set small objectives, if you believe you need to accomplish something that's big, divide into smaller tasks so that at least it's not "I've failed", it's "I've failed half of the stuff". I haven't really worked it out so do try stuff out and tell me if it works because I am beyond fucked lol (humour is a great coping mechanism).

I'm pretty sure you know that worrying about the future will make you feel worse while not necessarily changing it since it's very far. The future you want is a very large goal, and in the end it'll involve trying your best everyday regardless of if you have a clear picture of the objective at the time. Although that might make it simpler to determine what you should do, feeling like shit because you can't meet them while counteract that benefit and then some. Also doing your best does not mean spending every bit of the day being "productive", whatever that means. Your brain will need rest and you shouldn't (although I find that I still do) feel bad about taking those breaks no matter how many. For me, because I feel like shit often, I sometimes just get up and go do some mundane easy task to attempt to get my mind of of things. It doesn't work and that task ends up getting interrupted by instances of crying, but I suppose it's better than nothing.

I think it's okay for you to feel bad, life is hard (miserable) and people are different. Yes, others might have a harder time than you, and you should probably be decent towards people because you never know. But by no means are their problems yours and you don't have to help them. You're allowed to feel bad (putting that into practice might be harder than it sounds but idk). It feels like you're trying to force yourself to be happy (and then feeling worse because you can't, is it just me or does life sometimes feel like some twisted joke?).

You might already be aware (and it's making you feel worse anyways) that mediocre and important and such are value judgements that you're making, or making through the eyes of others (still you btw). It doesn't actually translate into anything concrete, for instance, I think you're pretty resilient for still doing so much (it seems like you attend classes and try very very hard to keep up with things, you might disagree though). Rationally speaking we're all somewhat important to the world, without us it wouldn't function all that well tbh.

You could try finding someone you actually like but I wouldn't really know how. I'm good at wording things and maybe trying to care about others but finding people who make me comfortable eludes me.

To some degree, "nothing matters" is liberating just as it is hopeless. I don't know what to make of that thought though. I don't understand my brain enough to get why knowing nothing matters I still feel awful.

This is what I think might help you, but I'm probably projecting a lot of what I'm dealing with and not really what you're feeling, so feel free to enlighten me! I'd be glad to help and at least try to make it so that you're not trying to fight this alone. Not sure what time it is where you are, but I'm guessing it'll be morning, so I hope you have a good morning and if nothing else, I wish you all the best ^^

 

[wondering&wandering]

This sounds like you're in a rough spot. Really. Don't downplay your feelings. You're overwhelmed, anxious, and needed to vent. That's good you were able to. Not everyone can.

I'm actually in the proces of recovery right now, and am looking into getting therapy. Like you said, change is uncomfortable, and I'm not thrilled at the tought of searching for the right therapist, but I've decided I want to live, and one of the steps to make that happen is to have a specialist to confide in who can help me sort through my mental maze I'm stuck in.

Will it work? Who knows, but I'm willing to try.

All that to say, I hope you find the peace you're looking for. If you ever want to PM me, feel free to hit me up!