How I want to go...

[stoiccactus]

I'm an older person here (37). Good life insurance that would cover suicide, resolve my debt, and support my ex-wife and son. I love my kid and my girlfriend but I just can't do this life anymore. Exited an abusive marriage, where she still abuses me. Constantly working. Haven't taken a vacation in years. COVID really just obliterated what was left of my mental health. Any attempt to take care of my mental health means less resources for my family or friends or girlfriend. I'd rather kill myself than see their faces when I inevitably let them down. I'll be gone but at least they'll have the financial resources to solve all the problems.

I want to find a cold day (it may be too late and I'll have to wait a year) and just go outside in the freezing cold and lay down in a park and freeze to death. I found some good peaceful spots near me where I could lay for 18 hours in the dark before anyone notices (I live pretty far north). I feel gleeful at the thought of this; the silence of fresh snow, the burn of the cold, and then finally exiting this godforsaken hellhole where I am nothing more than a warm body to pay the bills. Been thinking about this way to go since I was like 14.

 

[Worndown]

I am sorry life delivered this situation. I understand wanting it to end. Maybe a lot of alcohol first before laying down. I hope all goes well for you.

 

[Rational man]

Sad to.read because you put people first and leave less.room.for kindness for YOU. Im the same.

I was abused as a child but i did find love for a time when i was 20. Its better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all !. Covid vax screwed me and now im dying at 36. Theres two very special souls who never judged me. My cat and my old friend and carer. Both are benefiting in my last Will and testament. I wish you peace.

 

[Al_stargate]

Since when is 37 older?
You didn't let anybody down. You're saying you're constantly working and haven't taken a vacation in years. That doesn't sound like letting anyone down, quite opposite. You need to take care of yourself too. Don't let yourself down, it's ok to take a break, rest a while and focus on your health, whether mentally or physically. I know it's hard but it sounds like you got something to live for; your new girlfriend and kids. You can pick up the grind later when you feel better. Sometimes all it takes is a good rest. Sorry if my pep talk is annoying, I'm not in your position and not wanna convince you of anything. I don't know what kind of pain you're trying to escape. Ask yourself, where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years. Can you fathom things getting better or not?

 

[stoiccactus]

I slow down for even a second and the whole house of cards falls apart and everyone loses (not just me). I might not meet financial obligations to my ex-wife and have court problems. My clients will leave, my business will fall apart. My son will lose his healthcare. At least if I kill myself everyone gets a big payday. Maybe there's some other solution but I really can't see it.

I think often of this story from a few years ago, when I lived in the Bay Area

PayPal exec killed on Caltrain tracks had bipolar disorder, family says

PayPal exec killed on Caltrain tracks had bipolar disorder, family says

www.mercurynews.com

His widow went on TED talk videos about how she had no idea he was depressed while showing pictures of him just looking totally miserable.


It only confirmed for me that for many of us, our lives are nothing more but financial and emotional support for other people, happily ignored in our times of need. I want out.

 

[Of The Universe]

I'd say do not try this method. You might survive but have toes,fingers,etc amputated!!
Its a shame you have to pay that lousy bitch ex wife. I'd like to see her freezing!

 

[Al_stargate]

Mate, nobody wins if you die. You're not beholden to others to the point of being a slave. You need to try and communicate these things to your close ones. Not necessarily suicide but how you're feeling. People often delude themselves that if they feel a certain way, that's how it must be. We all need to learn to be more verbal, don't hide it in yourself and think others should just know. Obviously, I don't know that about you, I'm just saying in general.
People's relations are based on selfishness, we are just trying to extract each others benefits, really. It's just how it is. It's give and take. Some are more aware of that and try to be better, to give more, and some not.

 

[stoiccactus]

Toes are overrated.

She was abusive to me but still is the mother of my child and deserves whatever money the court finds reasonable to her, even if I think she is dead weight.

I hear what you guys are saying but there is a winner if I die: me.

 

[Al_stargate]

Freezing to death is tough from what I've read. Guy in my neighborhood died after passing out drunk in the snow. He was found next morning. But trying to achieve that with any kind of consciousness would be extremely hard. Cold brings out primal survival instinct, people try to dig holes in the frozen ground with bare hands. From what I've read it's not something one can consciously accomplish.
A while ago, I've read about a guy who died of hypothermia after being accidentally locked in a refrigerated train wagon for 15 hours. I know I was reading the comments and people were saying the temperature wasn't even that low but the guy still died of hypothermia. But can't imagine what he was going through.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering. This life can just be so awful. To me freezing to death sounds like an awful way to go, but I know that this life can be unbearable when you are desperate to leave. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[stoiccactus]

Freezing to death is tough from what I've read. Guy in my neighborhood died after passing out drunk in the snow. He was found next morning. But trying to achieve that with any kind of consciousness would be extremely hard. Cold brings out primal survival instinct, people try to dig holes in the frozen ground with bare hands. From what I've read it's not something one can consciously accomplish.
A while ago, I've read about a guy who died of hypothermia after being accidentally locked in a refrigerated train wagon for 15 hours. I know I was reading the comments and people were saying the temperature wasn't even that low but the guy still died of hypothermia. But can't imagine what he was going through.

This is a really fascinating story, it was like 50F in the boxcar and he basically willed himself to death.
Upon further research that boxcar story is fake news!

Man Dies of Hypothermia in an Unplugged Freezer

A man locked in an unplugged freezer imagined himself freezing to death and died as a result.

www.snopes.com