Venting how i know i'm ready

[liz!!!!!]

when i hear of people that have successfully caught their bus, i don't feel sad. i don't glad they succeeded. i feel jealou s. you had all the courage i can't seem to muster again. the fact that you're gone and i'm still here isn't fair. i hope you're free from whatever was inhibiting you; but i'm not. i'm still here, and probably will be for a long time. i decided a long time ago that i'll wait for the slow bus to get me. but the longer it takes, the more i think suffering my way through the rain, sleet, and snow until it finally makes it here isn't what i want. i want to have the courage to just do what you did. but i can't. not anymore.

i'm jealous that even when you're gone, you have everything i ever wanted.

 

[Worndown]

As far as I can guess, when it is time to go, you will go. Outside of an impulse driving you, at some point you just need to do it. Those I know who left talked about it for a long time. Once their situation was bad enough, they did it.

 

[getoutgirl]

If you are wondering how you know when you are ready, you are probably not ready. And I would think as much too from the rest you've said. Doesn't make it any easier to crawl on like that that's for sure. It's a miserable existence being suicidal yet unable to fulfill it. Not great. I relate to that envy too.

If you can't do it, I don't think it's cos you lack courage or are a coward or anything like that. Sure Survival Instinct is a thing, a very real one, but it has nothing to do with courage. Try an examine why is it thats making you not do it still in the back of your mind, you've probably tried that already, you may not get an answer at all even, but like you said maybe with enough rain and muck shit starts to reveal itself, and you might find some relief other than death while you wait for the slow bus.
In any case, I know it sucks to stay like that, the envy is there and won't leave soon that's true, but perhaps there is a reason you are dying yet, maybe stick around see how that goes. I hope things get easier for you while it. lots of hugs

As far as I can guess, when it is time to go, you will go. Outside of an impulse driving you, at some point you just need to do it. Those I know who left talked about it for a long time. Once their situation was bad enough, they did it.

also disagree. a bit too generalising ain't it? People die of impulse, people die of prolonged suicidality. Both cases share that in them the people Died in the end. So yeah it follows that the people that died after thinking of dying did all, indeed, die. That does not mean "at some point you just need to do it" nor speaks for those that don't, and bringing that kind of rethoric is honestly depressing and hopeless and again generalising and it inches close to encouraging ppl we don't even know.
Not saying we should go with the "it gets better, suicide is always bad" senseless shit either. I like this space for its nuance and understanding. I really didn't like your phrasing that's all.