how i feel (venting my thoughts here)

[livingcorpse]

I've been switching on and off for the last ten years. it's been seven years since my last attempt. my seventh attempt unironically. and every time it feels. every time i feel like i'm finally getting better i just end up creating another "persona" to hide behind Thinking that if i go by another name then its almost the same as picking up the game where i left off just selecting a different character. more social. more out going. more bubbly. the ideal version of me. but when i meet the "right" people. the ones who encourage me to be my true self. these walls i've created start crumbing down. the "right" people show their true manner. I am no longer the person they expected me to be. i am not a friend for speaking up for my self or saying what i think is wrong or right. and then everything starts going back to the original model. I begin to see these shadows following me. while i'm alone screaming my name, telling me that i will never be worth anything. that i will never be loved only used. and its hard to deny it when its easier to see how people can use me and how annoyed everyone feels when they see me be "a downer". they say that they are there for me. that i can come to them in my time of need. but when i do. when i need them the most. where are they? why are they suddenly so far away and out of reach. but if someone else needs help they are there for them. they are next to them day and night. and i am pushed aside. i dont need to be watched 24/7 but if i'm telling you i cant sleep because my body just feels like ejecting my soul out of it. like im suffocating under a thousand tons of pressure. when i'm crying my self to sleep not knowing why. when i have to take "sleeping" drinks to even try to ease my mind enough to try and sleep. looking for things to distract my mind . just because i cant stop crying. crying because i feel like im in so much pain. i'm reaching out because i dont want to hurt my self, i dont want to fail again. nor give anyone an excuse to look at my faint marks and with no words mock me for not going deep enough.. mock me for not trying hard enough. my body already feels weak. if it weren't because i can do school and work from home i would of probably been fired by now.. the sudden shut downs..the sudden feeling of passing away, or the uncontrollable pain that i feel deep in my chest for no reason. because after so long. i've tried hard enough to try and figure out why i feel this way. i know i have no reason to. im engaged. i have a niece and nephew that look up to me....pets that depend on me...but i no longer have that drive to use them as a hook to hold on to. my "best friend" also has finally let me down for the last time. but its not their fault. i've used their laughter their success their drive to put this front that i'm a happy bubbly person whos fun to be around "strong" both emotionally and physically...but in reality im not..as i've mentioned i've started to struggle to just even want to get out of bed.


I've been told to go see a doctor to help with this. but i'm not sure about it. in the past all that brought was a cocktail of medications changing before they even had a chance to actually help. and the one doctor i trusted well... now they are out of reach...to repeat everything to a stranger to get judged and told that i'm not doing enough f2f is just something i don't think i can do anymore. i dont want to be told that it's all in my head and that i shouldn't be upset.

i know my thoughts may just be all over the place but i just wanted to vent this all out. i've tried with friends. some who claim to know what it feels and that they know how it is. but their attempts at "helping" me is by making me feel like i have no real reason to feel this way because they have it worse...i don't want to play the comparison game. i don't want to compare do pros and cons to our lives i just need someone who will genially listen to me and either tell me the truth or give me a shoulder to cry/lean on...

 

[moparman97b]

I can relate with trying to be a new happier person to find and keep friends. Eventually I can't keep up the charade and drive them all away again. It's exhausting to keep trying but I can't seem to find the strength to do anything else. I've been on this merry-go-round so long I can't even muster the fantasy that it will be different next time, but yet it's the only thing I know to do.

 

[downndone2]

A roller coaster ride snd when it is bad it is bad...

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing certainly can be very painful and it does sound so tiring what you have to endure, it's just so incredibly unfair how all this suffering is able to exist in this world.