how has your mind changed?

[mushroomdug]

People who suffer from suicidal ideation or who have attempted suicide, what was the timeline like of your mental health decline? were there any significant points that plotted a clear downward trajectory?

Especially curious in regards to your thoughts and thinking process. I know many people can point to significant life events (job loss, break up, etc.) as markers for when their mental health began to decline but i'm really more interested in learning how your actual thinking evolved. Did you have any sort of epiphany that nudged you closer to attempting? Were there any fears that you consciously or subconsciously overcame to make peace with the possibility that you might actually take your own life? Did you research or take on any new philosophies that may have influenced you to now consider suicide a viable option?

For some context, I'm really scared that i've crossed into a new phase of ideation recently. I have been passively suicidal for a few years now but in that time I was never too worried that i would ever act on those thoughts. Any serious contemplation would usually lead me to thinking about all the reasons why I should not kill myself (the pain my death would cause my loved ones, the hope that things will get better eventually, etc.) For years those few things did a great job at stopping me in my tracks when it came to ever truly considering suicide.

Fast forward to about two months ago. I seemingly woke up one morning without a single care in regards to that list of reasons why I should stay alive. Of course i'm still able to consider those reasons to live but now it feels like they have virtually no influence when I catch myself weighing out pros and cons.
Ive been trying really hard to "reinstate" the gravity those reasons to stay alive for carried but I fear that there isn't a way to revert my thinking. It feels like the curtain has been pulled back and Ill never be able to rely on those old coping strategies again in a sincere way.

Can anyone relate to this type of "mental threshold" crossing? Did your old coping strategies evolve to a new degree? How much time passed between your earliest passive suicidal thoughts and you actually attempting suicide? What would be some seriously concerning warning signs that I should keep an eye out for with my own thoughts and behavior? Was there a "straw that broke the camels back" moment that turned your mental rumination into real physical urges or impulses?

 

[BroodingBleu]

I've been very eager to ponder a question like this actually. Its hard to truly pinpoint the, lack for better words, tipping point. As long as I could even remember, when I was young I always thought to myself " I would really love to die helping someone or protecting someone!" Thinking to myself it was okay to imagine something like that. When it came to intrusive thoughts or genuine suicidal ideations, the earliest I can remember was when I was in high school, taking trips out of state and while driving at night I would ask myself every time "I wonder what it would be like if I veered off and hit a tree". I had brought it up to a friend at one point who reassured me having those random thoughts was normal. Little did she know it wasn't isolated incidents. After this point I feel as though those thoughts came much more frequently than before.

To preface this next portion, these two incidents are separate, but happened relatively close to the same time, talking about a week or so in-between. Fast forwarding to about three years into my contract with the military. During a mass movement, we were conducting a logistical operation when on the first day of mission I had been informed of the passing of one of my close friends who I had enlisted with being struck and killed by a mortar strike in Afghanistan, and for obvious reasons that had been weighing pretty heavily on my mind through the rest of our movement. About five or so days later I suffered a TBI during a massive incident that resulted in our vehicle being disabled and me suffering brief memory loss and a moderate to severe concussion. I mention these two things because I'm unsure which, or if both were to blame for my ideations growing much more frequent and severe.

After returning home and continuing my regular job, I came across many incidents regarding suicide and death of many ages, and I always found myself, from the very beginning not particularly phased by the unfortunate circumstances, and in some cases I felt appreciation for the individuals lost due to their power to having make it as far as they did, feeling as though they were and are much braver than I am. I felt this way until one of my close friends from my profession CTB'd and it kind of put my own mindset in perspective. Because instead of feeling sad and awful for the loss, I realized I didn't feel anything anymore regarding the loss of someone close and someone who was genuinely good.

After that, with the addition of some other outliers I attempted to go for a couple swings with little success. I told my mother of this and she made it into a guilt trip sort of situation, as parents are bound to do. Trying to blame themselves for the way the world works etc etc. Past these points I find myself yearning for the death I sought after as a youth. Wishing I could go out in a heroic or honorable way, but realizing the possibility of that is completely worthless and irrelevant, and knowing that fact, I would much rather just leave on my own terms rather than wither away with a fruitless life with nothing to show for it. Nowadays I find myself always looking out the window while driving, imagining what would be the best object to careen into to do the job best, or what medication would be suitable for the results I want. Then I find myself thinking of those expecting promises I made to them during that week that I wont allow myself to not carry out. [Yes it sounds stupid, but keeping promises seems to be what keeps me from it sometimes.]

Feel like that turned more into a tangent than a reply to the original question, OOPS.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I first had suicidal thoughts when I was 10. In response to living with what I suspect was/is a Narcissist, plus, I was really grieving my Mum, Grandpa and Nana- who had all died by then.

Initially, the thoughts frightened me- because I was brought up to think suicide was wrong (suicides go to hell etc.) Still, it didn't take long at all for me to realise I was having these thoughts a lot- and they seemed a reasonable and rational response to my situation.

I used creativity as a coping mechanism. It has been an effective distraction for a long time. The thoughts have always been there though- to varying intensities. Still- I suppose for the main part, I was only passively suicidal. I certainly THOUGHT about all sorts of methods. I never attempted though.

There have been a few key people in my life that I always felt I had to hang on for. I don't think they would have gotten over it. I don't think I've ever been afraid of either the thoughts (after that initial first thought) or, of actually doing it. It's more the unbearable frustration I feel that I can't. I've never tried to fight these thoughts. They've always felt like a natural conclusion for me.

Now, I'm 43. My creativity crutch has failed financially and to be honest- it was starting to lose it's effectiveness anyway. I've been moving towards being actively suicidal the past 9 months (since joining here.) I've written my will, drafted my notes and bought my method. I'm just going to tread water now while I wait for my Dad to live out his life. I have a feeling the next block of time is going to get increasingly difficult for me. It's a tiny possibility things could all turn around for the better but I doubt it.

As far as mental health- or, mental decline goes- I'm not really one who can directly label all this mental illness. I'm not saying it's not. I'm not saying it's 'normal' to think and feel like this... It's just all I've ever really known. If I'm depressed- then I've been depressed for 33 years. It's become a part of me. I don't think I'd recognise myself anymore if I didn't think and feel like this.

I think perhaps the surge to be more actively suicidal is probably just because I'm moving towards a time where I feel I CAN actually do it- without causing so much upset- and I want to be ready.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

ive been in a similar situation myself. ive gone back and forth in my suicidality tho. couple years ago i shifted from passive ideation to active planning and developed a genuine desire to die. that shift was brought on by a mix of stress and drug use. later tho, after an attempt, i promised my girlfriend i wouldnt attempt suicide again. for a while i followed that promise bc i didnt want to hurt her if i did ctb plus i felt bad for worrying her. that was enough to keep me alive, until recently. lots of bs happened in the past month or so, nearly facing homelessness and having mental breakdowns from the stress of everything. had to stay with my dad for a bit and he was an asshole to me. that pushed me over the edge and made me decide to try to ctb. i felt that people would be better off without me and that i could no longer tolerate my own existence. ever since, my reasons for living arent as compelling. those reasons are still there but they seem to have lost their power over me

 

[livelaughlove]

The earliest thought I had was when i was like 9 or 10 and wished I had died younger because in my religion we would automatically go to heaven if we died at a young age. So I wished I had killed myself because I thought I passed the cutting point of going to heaven because I was too young lol.

Then comes 10-12. Now came the actual serious thoughts. Body image, family and friends stuff, piano trauma omg (lowkey my fault tho for not practicing lol), etc etc. Some days I really remember being proper depressed but I didn't really understand it. But it was very hectic at times and although I didn't plan anything in detail, I still had on and off thoughts about it. But at this point in time, I found ways to distract myself a lot so I was still fine. I had lots of things going for me and still had fun.

I think it was a bit calmer for a while after. Then covid. My god this bitch covid. We had online school (later moving to sometimes online and sometimes in person) and at first it was ok. I was always saying "I love online school because I can be comfortable at home and do whatever". But that only lasted a few months. The new academic year came around and everything gradually started going downhill. The first year of covid I had thoughts of ctb every single day. Most memories i had from that time was just staying in my depression room 24/7, in the dark, listening to sad music, constantly on tiktok, constantly crying, constantly wanting to ctb. I think there were defo multiple times where I considered actually going through with it, but never did anything. Maybe once put up some acid to my mouth but got too scared. But I probs just had thoughts to do it one day. didn't have official plans to do so tho.

Then the next year was totally different. I went from completely dysfunctional but still somewhat socializing with people, to "better" but avoiding everyone. Like idk there was just a switch. I thought I was getting better, but no. It was just the beginning of something worse. On top of that, I started having an ED. Everything built up until I had to go to the hospital for my ED. Everyone watching me all the time. Exams nearing in. Being incredibly behind in school. Piles on piles and just one day I couldn't do it. I remember it was a short little holiday before exams. Then after the holiday we would have a week to prepare for exams. 3 days before the holiday ended, I was in a really bad state. I worked all day and night trying to catch up with everything and at this point I cared so much about my art coursework. That's what I was trying to catch up with the most. And my mindset was like "If I don't finish this, there's no point. what's the point anymore?" Idk. Something about having to finish all my art really took a toll on me. But maybe that was just the tipping point. Everything else had gone to shit so this was the only thing I had left. Then came the night before or 2 nights before school started up again. Long story short, I took some bleach and stood at my roof and contemplated everything for the next 2hrs or so. I ended up not doing it and told my parents about it and asked to go to the emergency unit. I wanted to be hospitalized. It was rough, but I was doing ok? Then I got out early and got lots of help from my school counsellor and teachers. Did my exams. Something bad happened towards the end of the school year/exam season, but then there was the summer holidays.

Beginning was tough. Started to fake getting better, but lowkey had plans to ctb by jumping off some mountain or drowning in a river (we went camping in those types of areas). But I actually ended up getting better. Like genuinely. But there was still something in me that never left. I just managed to quiet it down. I came back from the summer holidays a whole different person and I still am. Everyone's praised me for my transformation. Up til now, everyone thinks I'm doing ok which in a way I am, but only I know what's really going on in my mind.

Right now, I'm content but only because I finally finalized that I'm going to ctb. I'm in a proper planning stage. Trying to do all the stuff I want to do, being happy in my last year or so, but then eventually ctbing. I'm ok but I'm not ok? But anyways, it's not like I'm super depressed like I was. I'm the complete opposite. But what makes my suicidal thoughts different to the past few years is that I'm somewhat happy. Like I've accepted that I'm going to eventually ctb and I'm ok with that. Before, I attempted out of an overwhelm of emotions. Now I'm going to do it in a better mindset. But now I'm just confused every so often because does that mean I'm ok? Because this is just something that I want and is inevitable. Like I view it in a more positive mindset. I'm just done with life. But I know there are those reasons why I'm doing it which is quite depressive, but you know? Idk. But then how can I say i'm better when I'm literally ctbing. But yea. That's the current state of my life. I know I'm going to ctb but question why I'm going to do it. Idek.

 

[Nitrohelpasap]

People who suffer from suicidal ideation or who have attempted suicide, what was the timeline like of your mental health decline? were there any significant points that plotted a clear downward trajectory?

Especially curious in regards to your thoughts and thinking process. I know many people can point to significant life events (job loss, break up, etc.) as markers for when their mental health began to decline but i'm really more interested in learning how your actual thinking evolved. Did you have any sort of epiphany that nudged you closer to attempting? Were there any fears that you consciously or subconsciously overcame to make peace with the possibility that you might actually take your own life? Did you research or take on any new philosophies that may have influenced you to now consider suicide a viable option?

For some context, I'm really scared that i've crossed into a new phase of ideation recently. I have been passively suicidal for a few years now but in that time I was never too worried that i would ever act on those thoughts. Any serious contemplation would usually lead me to thinking about all the reasons why I should not kill myself (the pain my death would cause my loved ones, the hope that things will get better eventually, etc.) For years those few things did a great job at stopping me in my tracks when it came to ever truly considering suicide.

Fast forward to about two months ago. I seemingly woke up one morning without a single care in regards to that list of reasons why I should stay alive. Of course i'm still able to consider those reasons to live but now it feels like they have virtually no influence when I catch myself weighing out pros and cons.
Ive been trying really hard to "reinstate" the gravity those reasons to stay alive for carried but I fear that there isn't a way to revert my thinking. It feels like the curtain has been pulled back and Ill never be able to rely on those old coping strategies again in a sincere way.

Can anyone relate to this type of "mental threshold" crossing? Did your old coping strategies evolve to a new degree? How much time passed between your earliest passive suicidal thoughts and you actually attempting suicide? What would be some seriously concerning warning signs that I should keep an eye out for with my own thoughts and behavior? Was there a "straw that broke the camels back" moment that turned your mental rumination into real physical urges or impulses?

Dear Mushroomdrug.
For me I have often suffered from suicide ideation - I always had an idea of how I would attempt to end my life however it wasn't until Dec 2020 and Jan 2021 that I began to realise that life might not get any better for me. At that time I was given some tablets antidepressants which made me very suicidal. It happened so quick. And the services that i was under discharged me when I called for help. I was housesitting in scotland. And of course, I didnt want to do it in their house but my MH was declining rapidly on this new medication and no one was listening to me. I must admit I have fought hard to try and find peace within my head. In 2022, it felt right and I have been looking into plans. I got turned down by Pegasos and Belguim and the Hauge for euthanasia. I am left to do it by myself which I am fine with. It shall be peaceful. I guess in answer to your question - I had enough of fighting and fighting for help which I wasn't really getting. My MH freaked me out and I couldn't see afuture and that made my mind up. It happened quickly but I did fight for myself. Knowing that the services didnt believe me and wouldnt follow through on thier word, made it clear I had no other way out.