Discussion How has everyone come to terms with accepting that suicide is their final decision?

[SoupSnakes]

I think that's a really tough question. For me, I think there's a certain point you reach in life where you can just see nothing else working for you. I'm close to having spent half of my life depressed and the amount of things I've tried to fix that seem endless, specifically this year. Now after all of that, they've said it's likely treatment resistant and that was kind of the end for me. I can't bare living my life like this any more. I know it'll kill my family but they aren't the ones who have to live like me. The only thing I regret leaving it my dog. Another reason I think it's time to go, you should care about more than that.

 

[Conker]

I've long since accepted that, may I be lucky enough to be the one that decides how I will depart from this miserable cage. Don't really have much else to say other than good luck to the kindhearted.. Hopefully there will come a time when the only influential bloodlines are pro Mother nature & humanitree instead of actively attacking them on every level.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

It just is. I'm done with this shit hole called life. I fucking despise this place and I hate myself even more. I ordered 14 days ago and if it arrives today I'm so very very done and I cannot WAIT

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

Here's an odd situation - my life can be salvaged, I think. Not lived with joy, certainly, because having lost fifteen years doing absolutely nothing thanks to a disease without a cure does ruin a man, let alone the medication that's required to somewhat manage said disease, and the side effects of theae medications, but still, my life can be salvaged. I will not be Jimmy Hendrix or Estas Tonne, but perhaps I can become Uncle Igor.
I don't want to ctb, not truly, not yet.
I am old enough, but not free enough to make this decision, and besides, there's hope: perhaps the surgery I ramble about works as intended and unbinds me from my shackles.
Honestly, I despise this hope.
I'm this situation, however, I will still ctb, though, just not now, maybe in about forty years, when my health declines further. I hope to gather enough money to go through Pegasos by that time. According to their site, they're quite eager to help with literally all your troubles with travel and housing and whatnot.

But what if I don't? What if the surgery doesn't work?
Well, in that case I have my little pile of sn in the back of my closet. Not enough money for Pegasos, though.
I would have to thread on because of my father. He's quite old and diabetic. He doesn't have much fight left in him. Frankly, it looks disgusting.
Discovering my epilepsy broke him. Discovering his diabetes broke him further. He's like a scared kitten nowadays.
I imagine he gets a heart attack and keels over on the spot.

My point is, my trip to the bus station is inevitable, the only question is when.

 

[Livinginhell]

I have always known it would be my hand that kills me, but never when. Now I pretty much no that I'm at ease with dying. I am just existing for the very few who care but now too tired to carry on. I never liked the idea of getting old anyway.
I've done living, I want to know what dead is like!

 

[Sweet Release]

It took a while for me to get there. Many years of pain and loss has gotten me to where I'm at today.
My stomach is in knots as my ctb day is coming soon and I'm preparing with the regime.
I'm not exactly afraid to die. I think it's more about being nervous about the unknown, but willing to go through with it and finally see what it's all about.

It took me years as well.
Eventually I just wondered why I was still here?

My death will kill my family, but i cant hold on any longer, things r getting worst

I am devastated at how my family will react to my death but at the same time it seems cruel for anyone to expect me to keep living as it has become unbearable.

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

Wow. It's great that you can still find things you want to live for like the smell of grass. I take it then your choices are either to kill yourself or die in a hospital with a bunch of tubes in you?

Yea 5 - 11 months is what I have left... all the drugs they gave me made me feel worse. the thing that sucks is I qualify for medically assisted suicide but my state does not allow it. I inquired into going to a state that does allow it, and was told I had to move to that state, become a resident of that state and then wait like 3 months... so ridiculous... so that's not an option

 

[I’vehadenough]

Yea 5 - 11 months is what I have left... all the drugs they gave me made me feel worse. the thing that sucks is I qualify for medically assisted suicide but my state does not allow it. I inquired into going to a state that does allow it, and was told I had to move to that state, become a resident of that state and then wait like 3 months... so ridiculous... so that's not an option

Have you tried dignitas?

 

[Malletboy]

Things are going ... alright for me. Day to day seems mundane and average. I'm living a decent life but my meds stopped working and it has had this sobering effect on me. It's like I've been living in this fantasy world while my meds were working and now I've waken back up to this dreary nightmare I can't escape. There's a part of me that wants to try new meds but I feel like it's futile as I'd just be prolonging the inevitable. Ever since I became depressed (4-5 years ago) I've always known I'd end it myself but it never seemed like the right moment. Now with the holidays coming up I realize that I'll be in excruciating pain for the next 2 months and I just can't picture going through that again. And the final straw was realizing I couldn't get the girl I've been chasing for so long. It's all made me so numb and no amount of "you are loved" messages from my friends and family can really change my mind.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

I'm on the fence but the anguish can be unbearable. It's tough to feel like a stray begging to be taken in, and knowing that both my mental and physical state makes a viable future impossible. I've heaps to settle before I can go though... and hardly the mental energy to deal with the drudgery.

It will be a relief to both my family and I if and when I ctb though. For them, I'm just a stranger living under their roof, related by blood. Maybe they will feel sad for a while but there's many siblings who can fill in the place. I'm just a crazy one stirring shit up. For me, there will be no more pain, no more envy and no more begging of others for acceptance. No more of the shame and pain of being defiled, of being infertile, unwanted and alone.

I managed to get a sedating antihistamine and antacid yesterday but did not have the courage to ask my specialist for any anti-nausea medication. I'm still thinking how to get SN, given that it's not freely available in my country as we tend to import our food and thus has no need to do our own food prep. I'm quite open to different options though. Some possible pending items on my bucket list, attempt to get SN and domperidone and I'm good to go..

 

[I'm exhausted]

I've tried, exhausted energy and resources for that "better future" only to have minimal recompense. Tried medication, therapy, yoga, meditation, self help&heal... even sought justice from my abusers. but nope, still in terrible shape.

maybe i haven't tried enough.

maybe i haven't been looking for the right kind of help.

but i'm too tired to carry on. i just want to rest when sleep isn't restful anymore.

guilt is appeased when i've really, honestly tried.

I could've written this post. I agree with you.

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

Have you tried dignitas?

That would be an option for me other than the fact that I can not travel. I think we need more compassion about death and disease in this world. Not just in certain places... I've always been strong and had a strong will. Honestly I will probably make it to what would be considered a natural end. what I have decided is when my condition gets to the point of hospitalization I simply wont call emergency services. I have no trust that the medical facility would honor my wishes and just help numb the pain and let me go, I would imagine they could make a nice profit keeping me hooked up to life support and occupying a bed full time. With no next of Kin , I would be completely sick and in the hands of strangers and a profit based health care system. I will endure whatever pain is needed and at that point I will probably just consume alchohol daily as to numb the pain but also speed the organ failure. If I end up getting the product I am looking for I will just take that and be done with it. Thank you for your suggestion. Unfortunately it's not a reality for me..

 

[I’vehadenough]

That would be an option for me other than the fact that I can not travel. I think we need more compassion about death and disease in this world. Not just in certain places... I've always been strong and had a strong will. Honestly I will probably make it to what would be considered a natural end. what I have decided is when my condition gets to the point of hospitalization I simply wont call emergency services. I will endure whatever pain is needed and at that point I will probably just consume alchohol daily as to numb the pain but also speed the organ failure. If I end up getting the product I am looking for I will just take that and be done with it. Thank you for your suggestion. Unfortunately it's not a reality for me.

I understand, I agree that voluntary death should be available everywhere. Maybe someday it will be, but not in my lifetime. I would not want to be hospitalized either. No life is better than a low quality one in my eyes

 

[Lookingtodie]

What else can i do? my life is ruined forever and i'm ugly as fuck

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Because I have no interest in putting in the MASSIVE amount of work that it would take to bring my life to the level of satisfaction that I desire--- after decades of trauma and a new diagnosis which seals my fate---- I feel like I lost the best part of life and to try and makeup for it in the last few decades from scratch, with almost nothing, from the bottom...... With little to no help, family, resources, I will be on my own again. All for something that may or may not come. i can't deal with uncertainty, I can't deal with powerlessness. I can't deal with feeling like I am at the bottom of the barrell in EVERY sphere of life. Honetly I am BITTER & TIRED. It is the combination of these two that has solidified my final decision. It would take a stroke of luck so massive and unlikely to keep me here and I no longer hold any unrealistic expectations- life dont owe me shit. And so - I dont owe it shit either. boom.

 

[restingspot]

Spoiler

There's a lifetime of hurt waiting out there. 25. In debt. Too broke to get my bachelors. Wasted years on a degree I've come to regret and seethe in anger at. Mental illness. Deviant sexuality. Agnostic. Genetic conditions that will fuck me over when I'm older. A living parasite. Genuine phobias I cannot cope with without professional help ($$$).

I used to be scared of dying and not knowing what happens, or just to come to that state of nothingness, nonexistence; so I tried to find things to look forward to, like videogames. I want to play Death Stranding real bad, Kojima is such a crazy fucker, or finish Monster Hunter World, but I can't. Life isn't worth the momentary periods of pleasure when existence is, as a whole, unforgiving and incredibly bleak to 99% of us while the 1% cheat and abuse their way into luxury.

I used to care about what my family and friends would feel when I die, but I think on the time I told my mom I had depression and for a week or two she told me daily that every time she looked at me, she wanted to punch me. She also donates monthly to an African child and at one point used them to tell me how ungrateful I was and how she wishes she could have them as a child instead of me and my siblings. Then suddenly I don't feel as bad and wanting to ctb.

Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this. I dunno.

Life is a rigged game just like the lottery is and I refuse to participate any longer.

 

[dedalus1238900]

Spoiler

There's a lifetime of hurt waiting out there. 25. In debt. Too broke to get my bachelors. Wasted years on a degree I've come to regret and seethe in anger at. Mental illness. Deviant sexuality. Agnostic. Genetic conditions that will fuck me over when I'm older. A living parasite. Genuine phobias I cannot cope with without professional help ($$$).

I used to be scared of dying and not knowing what happens, or just to come to that state of nothingness, nonexistence; so I tried to find things to look forward to, like videogames. I want to play Death Stranding real bad, Kojima is such a crazy fucker, or finish Monster Hunter World, but I can't. Life isn't worth the momentary periods of pleasure when existence is, as a whole, unforgiving and incredibly bleak to 99% of us while the 1% cheat and abuse their way into luxury.

I used to care about what my family and friends would feel when I die, but I think on the time I told my mom I had depression and for a week or two she told me daily that every time she looked at me, she wanted to punch me. She also donates monthly to an African child and at one point used them to tell me how ungrateful I was and how she wishes she could have them as a child instead of me and my siblings. Then suddenly I don't feel as bad and wanting to ctb.

Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this. I dunno.

Life is a rigged game just like the lottery is and I refuse to participate any longer.

I feel like I could of written this. I worked hard all my life, did everything the world says you should do. Almost got married, had a good job, from the outside everyone would want this life. But everyday I was more and more miserable, I saw my whole life laid out in front of me I felt like I was going thru the motions of a life I didn't want but at that stage it's almost to late you're tired. You don't want to start from scratch so you use self destructive behavior and any external stimuli to make you feel alive while you can't at the time things were ok but if you have a drive it does not stop nothing is ever enjoyable anymore. You don't care you become stressed and eventually seeing the next 50 years of life planned out for you blow it up so you feel you have control. But now you're back at the start and you are exhausted you lose motivation you struggle to work hard because you regret then your choices then you rack up debt.

You try something new but everything is empty you just don't have joy for anything. You essentially give up on recreating a life because I've already done that, I just then have bad luck after bad luck. Family that will never understand and are toxic always saying time heals everything it will get better. I had probably 5 solid years did a lot of things I wanted to do. I too ask what did I do for this. I don't believe in religion I tried going to one to socialize but after a month I'm sitting here being reminded of everything I did wrong in life and stopped after I realized I was more miserable after. I've tried and failed and will feel bad for my Mom but I try to explain and I just feel it always ends with it will get better. It might but I don't have that spirit to try anymore. I had happy times but It's never going to be the same me.

Like you said I don't want 99% of bleakness for 1% of happiness.

 

[throwaway123]

I know I have to die someday but I just can't accept it. I think it takes a lot of time for that to happen. Partly its because i think there is still some hope. Some things I can try and see if it works . I try it everyday but the more days I spend here the more I realize its time to let go.
I don't know when exactly my time is going to come but it really depends if there really isn't anything I can do anymore. Its really hard to say because I don't know if the hope I have is real or not. It all depends on that. False hope can keep you alive for decades and I've seen what it does to people. I don't want to end up like that but at the same time I am not yet ready to tell the difference between false and real hope.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Because there simply isn't any other way out of this darkness. I've tried to find something, someone, anything to live for and keep going for, but now I can't keep going for anyone or myself. Death now feels like a warm hug, a familiar friend, it feels to comforting and its the one thing that will never let me down or go away. Its always there if I need it to be. It's the only thing in my life I still have control over.

 

[Elias]

I can't really picture the next decades of my life going smoothly. It has a very high chance of prolonging the struggle and make me face even more terrible experiences than I already got on my plate. It would require efforts and work and it's going to be in massive amounts, just to potentially have the privilege to live a pretty mediocre life and just delaying the inevitable death. It really does not appeal to me, and the permanence of just getting over life once and for all and getting rid of responsibilities, issues, pain, and anxieties all in one ultimate action, THAT is very attractive to me. So, I see death as the ultimate project a human can put efforts towards and that is always worth it in the end. Cause once it's done, every efforts will just become irrelevant and the consequences will be virtually inexistant for the person who passed away.

 

[Taki]

I've known since my teens that I'm doomed to kill myself. It's just a fact.

 

[Daffodil]

I understand, I agree that voluntary death should be available everywhere. Maybe someday it will be, but not in my lifetime. I would not want to be hospitalized either. No life is better than a low quality one in my eyes

I think voluntary death would mess up capitalism too much for it to be made legal.

This thread is one of the most heart wrenching and realest thing I've ever read.

 

[Norway]

well, my big brother took his own life in 2001, since then I have been tough an life has gpne on. But this summer, at work I realised that life is not worth living. I have grown up children and almost no friends. Iam ready to go anytime...

 

[TAW122]

I have reached my conclusion that life, society, people (not every single human being on Earth, but most), it all just sucks. Also, that there is no point to life, just exist, work (wage-slave, and what not), get copes to forget about existential crisis, and then eventually die (disease illness, other natural causes, if one doesn't die to other causes - victim of crime, elements, etc.) Then of course, there are more personal and individual reasons why life isn't worth it, which vary from individual to individual as no one person ever lives the same life. I have thought about death as far back as age 12 (maybe earlier) when I got the concept of life and death. The things holding me back in addition to survival instinct, is also I have some things that I am wishing to do, and also, I want to make sure everything goes according to my plan (where, when, and how I die) as well as tying a few loose ends (I don't have to nor do I owe anybody anything, it's still just for their own benefit - non-obligatory on my end.)

 

[CarefulWithThatAxe]

I don't think ill ever come to terms with ending my own life it's just something I have to do.

 

[PartingGlass]

I've been thinking about it since I was a kid and I've never accepted it. I'm still scared. I've been close quite a few times but I could never just do it, you know? I wish things were different so I didn't have to consider it.

 

[Deformationalplagio]

It wasnt really a desision for me its more like a last resort. Living with a deformity having pain < dieing and dont remember ever existing

 

[JustAnotherSuicider]

I really tried to fix my life, to make it better, to be "normal", to fit in this world. But I failed. Everything I do bring me closer to accepting that there is no place for me in this world, I don't belong here and me life will not get better. I just don't see any hope for me anymore. I just accepted that the only way to end my suffering is to CTB. I don't know If I will do it in a month or I will wait a year or two, but I am certain that "this is the way" and I have accepted it, and to be honest I feel better knowing that I will be gone someday.