How fucked in the head am I?

[Cauliflour]

As of recent I've taken an interest into watching gore videos at 11 o clock at night like every 2 ish weeks and I don't jack off to this shit nor so I freak out or see it as self punishment. I kinda just sit there feeling a bit uncomfortable as some woman sits on the side of a road with her whole face just a mass of red because some acid was thrown into her and she's crying and shit. Morbid curiosity? That's the only thing I can think of. Doesn't really haunt my dreams either. The comments on these videos disgust me though but I can't help but look as it's in my nature to read the comments on absolutely everything I see online. Weird how some of these comments make me more uncomfortable reading them then watching the video they're on. It's like they're stuck in the early 2000s...

I also like to self harm for fun and have been doing it for years...idk if that means anything in this context. I typically make cuts on my arm but I haven't felt a desire to within the past few months (don't get your hopes up on potential healing, it's some weird brain thing after a failed attempt).

I really hope nobody finds my internet history as I have no bloody idea how I would explain this. Especially this one video I've watched like 3 times now over the span of a month-ish just because there's something about the way the woman screams in pain that just keeps me coming back I swear I'm not a sadist.

I mean, I've been daydreaming of killing people/getting killed/killing myself multiple times over the past few years and have drawn gore in my teen years and have looked at drawings of gore back years ago when I was definitely not old enough according to general rating systems so I guess it was inevitable. What's next? Trying to get into the wrong crowd to see violence in person? ...nah, I'm stupid but I'm not that stupid.

 

[getoutgirl]

Yeah I've been there done that. Morbid curiosity I guess and I maybe a way the brain wants you to cope and manifest externally the pain you are feeling inside, by watching it. We listen to sad music when we are sad, we feel a call to watch suffering and violence when that's our inner worlds. Sounds emo as hell but it's kind of true, maybe in part subconsciously, maybe in part something else entirely, so.... I don't think it makes you fucked up in th head, like maybe a 3 in a scale to 10 the bar aint low.
Also I don't think people sh for fun, I didn't even if it just felt like a way to kill boredom at the time or would like to t hink so, there's pain down there undeniably too. Glad you are not doing that as of now, even if it's some weird brain thing, enough time you realize it's all weird brain things all the way down honestly.
Oh and you are spot on on the comments, I know those too. Pure concentrated edgyness, it almost feels like a competition on who's the most edgy and uncaring and cool (90% is teens from 2009) you have to roll your eyes and not take them seriously but yeah glad those are there and not elsewhere.
unrelated hugs to ya <3

 

[_Maya]

As of recent I've taken an interest into watching gore videos at 11 o clock at night like every 2 ish weeks and I don't jack off to this shit nor so I freak out or see it as self punishment. I kinda just sit there feeling a bit uncomfortable as some woman sits on the side of a road with her whole face just a mass of red because some acid was thrown into her and she's crying and shit. Morbid curiosity?

Watching gore isn't bad, I sometimes watch videos of people committing suicide and pretend im the person in the video. Everyone has their reasons for watching it, and it doesn't make you fucked up or bad.

. The comments on these videos disgust me though but I can't help but look as it's in my nature to read the comments on absolutely everything I see online. Weird how some of these comments make me more uncomfortable reading them then watching the video they're on. It's like they're stuck in the early 2000s...

yeah i understand, anytime i go onto any gore site the comments are filled with edgy teens or racists.

I also like to self harm for fun and have been doing it for years...idk if that means anything in this context. I typically make cuts on my arm but I haven't felt a desire to within the past few months (don't get your hopes up on potential healing, it's some weird brain thing after a failed attempt).

I cut a lot, mainly shallow cuts. Self harm is a coping mechanism by a lot of people and is apparently pretty common from some studies i looked up.

I mean, I've been daydreaming of killing people/getting killed/killing myself multiple times over the past few years and have drawn gore in my teen years and have looked at drawings of gore back years ago when I was definitely not old enough according to general rating systems so I guess it was inevitable. What's next? Trying to get into the wrong crowd to see violence in person? ...nah, I'm stupid but I'm not that stupid.

The call of the void, most commonly known as "intrusive thoughts" is a common phenomenon where people feel sudden urges to do dangerous acts. This can be suicide, mutilation, or murder. I'm pretty sure every person on earth has thought of killing someone, and it doesn't make you crazy just cause you think of it. Violence can be an outlet for peoples emotions, which is why self harm is a form of coping for some people since people can take their frustration out on themselves.

 

[Cauliflour]

I cut a lot, mainly shallow cuts. Self harm is a coping mechanism by a lot of people and is apparently pretty common from some studies i looked up.

Also I don't think people sh for fun, I didn't even if it just felt like a way to kill boredom at the time or would like to t hink so, there's pain down there undeniably too.

It doesn't feel like a coping mechanism to me. I think I'm just masochistic.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I watch those sometimes for a few reasons I consider good. 1. Reality. I think modern western society hides from a lot of reality. They don't see where their meat comes from, they don't see what happens in accidents, they don't see one person brutally kill another, and they get twisted ideas. I feel more grounded seeing reality. 2. Curiosity. How much can the human body take and still live? How much can a person endure? It's fascinating. 3. Compassion. Someone suffered something terrible and I won't even look? I feel for them, wonder what it felt like, marvel at watching how quickly a person can go from alive like us to lifeless.

 

[JesiBel]

Don't worry. I don't think watching those kinds of videos and self-harming is bad. I do both. And they confirm to me that my perception isn't distorted. The people in those videos were as fed up with suffering and its existence as I am (I prefer not to read the comments there because they make me very angry). The pain is all too real, and the world we live in isn't 'friendly' to everyone. Scars and open wounds are a constant reminder of this.