Discussion How does it end?

[itsgone2]

I've been actively suicidal for six months now. It's all I think about. Attempts. This site. Police and ems in my home. Friends finding out. Insomnia. Therapy. Begging God for a second chance. Falling asleep while driving. No exercise. No fun. Poor diet. Holding a gun.

How does it end? I don't know. I wanted so badly to fsh last night and couldn't get off the couch.

Anyone else worried about how it ends? Am I stuck here for 20 more years? Eventually homeless? Starve to death? Beaten? Dementia?

I'm scared. There is nothing positive.

 

[DeadManLiving]

I don't know enough about your personal circumstances.

It usually doesn't end well for many here. Although your milage may vary significantly.

 

[itsgone2]

I don't know enough about your personal circumstances.

It usually doesn't end well for many here. Although your milage may vary significantly.

Sorry i wasn't clear.

How do you think it ends for you? Any of us?

I can't see how mine ends and I need it to.

 

[DeadManLiving]

Sorry i wasn't clear.

How do you think it ends for you?

Near certain premature death.

(Barring some miraculous fortune).

Any of us?

Its mixed.

How would you want it to end or what's your objective or immediate need?

 

[itsgone2]

How would you want it to end or what's your objective or immediate need?

I don't want to suffer anymore. I don't care how it ends I just can't see how it does

 

[Forever Sleep]

I worry a great deal when I think about it. To the extent that I try to take it day by day. My hope is to wait till my Dad goes first but then- while it sounds monstrously cruel- how long could that be? (He's nearly 80.)

Even more selfishly- what will happen if my parents struggle to take care of themselves? They chose to move hundreds of miles away. They said- in part to not become a burden but, I suspect their attitude would change if they do start to need more help. Truthfully, I find life hard enough to cope with as it is. Plus- sustaining this lie that I'm managing. Can I realistically achieve that if I'm around them more?

Plus, my level of resentment at being expected to stay alive and pay for staying alive is already huge. If I start feeling the expectation that I need to move and alter my life to care for them, I imagine I'll feel a lot worse. I don't even take care of myself properly!

Then, I worry about what could happen if which parent dies first. Some members of my step family are what caused my ideation to begin with. So, then there's the worry of trying to avoid funerals etc. And- even if circumstances transpire that I do feel able to go- I worry I don't have the courage for it.

On top of that is the constant worry around finding work, doing it to a good enough standard and, earning enough. All a lot harder since I've lost my motivation. Plus, heading into older age and the likelihood of health issues worries me.

It's just a worrying mess when I think about it. But then, on the upside- it all means that suicide feels like the right decision- for me. I just need to make sure I do it when the time comes I feel able to.

 

[tonicer]

I worry a great deal when I think about it. To the extent that I try to take it day by day. My hope is to wait till my Dad goes first but then- while it sounds monstrously cruel- how long could that be? (He's nearly 80.)

Even more selfishly- what will happen if my parents struggle to take care of themselves? They chose to move hundreds of miles away. They said- in part to not become a burden but, I suspect their attitude would change if they do start to need more help. Truthfully, I find life hard enough to cope with as it is. Plus- sustaining this lie that I'm managing. Can I realistically achieve that if I'm around them more?

Plus, my level of resentment at being expected to stay alive and pay for staying alive is already huge. If I start feeling the expectation that I need to move and alter my life to care for them, I imagine I'll feel a lot worse. I don't even take care of myself properly!

Then, I worry about what could happen if which parent dies first. Some members of my step family are what caused my ideation to begin with. So, then there's the worry of trying to avoid funerals etc. And- even if circumstances transpire that I do feel able to go- I worry I don't have the courage for it.

On top of that is the constant worry around finding work, doing it to a good enough standard and, earning enough. All a lot harder since I've lost my motivation. Plus, heading into older age and the likelihood of health issues worries me.

It's just a worrying mess when I think about it. But then, on the upside- it all means that suicide feels like the right decision- for me. I just need to make sure I do it when the time comes I feel able to.

Same here. My parents are old (~80 and not in the best of shape especially my dad) and i can't go while they are still alive. I have nothing to live for except them. I have an older brother but i think he doesn't like me so i would even do him a favor. Also then he would get to inherit everything. I am looking for a job to maybe find something to live for but time and time again i get rejected before and interview and even after an interview that went very well from my point of view. I just want to work and safe up some money and travel a bit before i leave this world.

 

[Forever Sleep]

even after an interview that went very well from my point of view.

I've found this to be the worst experience- when you start to build up some hope. I so hope you do get something and are able to fulfil your travelling wishes.

I'm sorry to hear about your parents. It is such a worry.

 

[tonicer]

I've found this to be the worst experience- when you start to build up some hope. I so hope you do get something and are able to fulfil your travelling wishes.

I'm sorry to hear about your parents. It is such a worry.

Thank you. After the first 10 or so interviews that didn't lead to anything i lost hope and now i am just sending out job applications mechanically because i really need a job.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thank you. After the first 10 or so interviews that didn't lead to anything i lost hope and now i am just sending out job applications mechanically because i really need a job.

It's so hard- I've been through it too- on multiple occassions. I don't think enough is said on how difficult it is to get work. That it probably isn't uncommon to receive lots of rejections.

One of the most useful speeches I've ever heard was by a former pupil at uni who said a brief few words when we were about to graduate. He told us the next few years would be tough. Knowing that was actually 'normal' made it feel less like failure when it also happened to me.

Have you asked for feedback from these companies? While it hurts, it can at least point you in the direction of what you need to accomplish to be more attractive to them.

Sorry for derailing the thread OP.

 

[itsgone2]

Sorry for derailing the thread OP.

It's ok. My downfall started with my company selling. I was set. Now I'm ruined. Job market sucks due to so many stupid factors. The world is ruined. No one cares.
I wish I had the guts to fsh tonight

 

[Forever Sleep]

No one cares.

I think plenty of people do care- because it does affect lots of us when companies become more cold and corporate or, we can't find work. Maybe it's even the majority who do care and are extremely worried.

My concern is, it's the ones with power (or at least, some of them) that probably don't care. As such, it's horrible feeling powerless and dependent on them.

 

[Liebestod]

Being homeless is something I've accepted as a possibility, I've become indifferent to it all, whether I ctb or not the result is the same, I will be dead one day. Think about it like this, there's already a point in time in which you're dead, so it kinda helps me at least to take it easy. Nothing we do in this universe inherently matters anyway. Whether I'll ctb or not is something idk at the moment but I have a plan just in case. In my opinion everybody always needs a backup plan.

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

Whether I'll ctb or not is something idk at the moment but I have a plan just in case. In my opinion everybody always needs a backup plan.

Oh my goodness yes. I've actually said this to people. I'm like, "I don't know if I'll ever have the nerve to check out, but it sure is nice having a plan in place, just in case" lol

 

[lpdsvm]

I'm replaceable as hell. Not qualified and not as cheap anymore as their new potential hires. I'm just waiting for that day to come when I lose my job and legal status in a foreign country. I won't do it too close to the end. I will just know when my Grand Exit is around. At that point if SN goes bad (total BS unless you keep it next to the sink open while washing your hands), I will use anything that is available.
So sorry for you too. I hope we will all find something that finally brings peace. For me it's more likely CTBing.
I want to exit now and it's a bit hard to tolerate all that BS in my life. Pro lifers send me 10 million dollars. Then they will useful. Everything is full of sh$@$t.
I might even send an email expressing my gratitude for firing me. All those employers. Even those who didn't hire me for not accepting me and helping me CTB sooner.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also fear suffering for decades longer, it's just so horrific to me how the torture of existing can continue for that much longer with no limit as to how much agony one can feel, it's just so terrible how there's all this pain, torture and cruelty in existing, for me only non-existence could ever be positive, this existence will always be a terrible mistake to me.