How do you think people felt right before they CTB?

[lastlife_]

I know there isn't one answer for this because we all think, feel and behave differently in different situations.. and even though I doubt there's much research, if any, about it (to be honest, I haven't even checked before writing this) but I wonder what the average emotional state the (successful) people felt right before they CTB.

Are we meant to be crying or hysterical.. is it normal to feel numb and emotionless.. do you think we enter a different kind of mindset where nothing else matters other than our sheer determination?

How have you felt right before or during your previous attempts?

For me, I wasn't emotional at all.. just very numb to all my feelings with a whirlwind of thoughts running through my mind like "can I do this? Am I capable? Is this it? What am I experiencing right now? etc".

 

[Bedrock48]

I suppose you'd find people on complete opposite ends of the spectrum, people that are scared and maybe sadly even regret their attempt to people that might even feel happy knowing their in the last moments of life.

I've had both ends of the spectrum, my last 'proper' attempt (as in one I felt there was a high chance of success and I was intending to die with my actions). I felt very scared in that moment, a lot of fear and SI took over. That's one of the reasons I eventually called for help even though I didn't want it.

Then a few months later I took an overdose, not necessarily expecting to ctb but tried nonetheless. I felt complete bliss, nothing went wrong and what I used was pretty peaceful. Those moments drifting in and out were pleasant. Guess I couldn't quite believe there was a chance what I took would kill me but I was ok with that.

 

[Lost Magic]

Yeah, it all varies from person to person. However I am an anxious person who tends to over-react at times. This was built into me because of a very volatile upbringing. I had to use fight or flight all the time growing up. Anyway, I am going for the Sodium Nitrite method. So I have made sure to get propranolol tablets (these will reduce my heart rate) benzos (to make me calmer) painkillers (for pain obviously) and a sleeping pill (to help me relax further). If all goes well, these will suppress Survival Instinct significantly. So, yeah, I think drugs help a lot because without them I don't know if I could do it otherwise.

 

[Snake of Eden]

My pal suicided few months ago and I was with her in the time that led to her demise. She was in pure anguish and despair. She couldnt sleep or eat for days on end. It was very painful to see her go through that. As much as I am pro choice yet I begged her to consider other options. I have no words to describe how traumatic it was for her and for me to witness it first hand. I wouldnt change a thing though. Im sure there are people who leave in better mindset though

 

[motel rooms]

even though I doubt there's much research, if any, about it (to be honest, I haven't even checked before writing this) but I wonder what the average emotional state the (successful) people felt right before they CTB.

It's kind of impossible to find out how people who are now dead felt right before they killed themselves...

 

[rosie]

i was high as balls because of what i took, but the only reason i landed in a hospital was because the people i lived with noticed. but in that time, i didn't care what happened to me and hardly remember that night

 

[Starryeyes]

Scared / relieved

 

[willitpass]

in my personal experience when i took SN last year i felt a mix of fear and relief. i was scared because it hurt and i didn't know if it was going to work. however right before i passed out i began to feel peaceful and rolled over in bed, pulled up my covers, and acted as if i were going to sleep for the night. if those were my last moments i wouldn't say they were the best but they certainly could have been worse. nothing can prepare you for the moments before death. you can do a mock attempt and think everything out over and over in your head but there is no way to emotionally prepare yourself. i have had 3 serious attempts and each one had a different emotion right before going through with it. when i tried to drown myself before going over a dam in the middle of winter, i remember pausing at the top of the dam by holding onto the ledge and looking at the clear blue sky thinking about how that was the last time i would ever see the sky and then letting go and letting the water pull me over the edge. when i tried to hang myself i passed out and woke back up due to SI and felt a great happiness that it had been somewhat successful before i put my weight back on my neck to try again

 

[S like Siren]

Look... i felt exactly like you wrote here:

For me, I wasn't emotional at all.. just very numb to all my feelings with a whirlwind of thoughts running through my mind like "can I do this? Am I capable? Is this it? What am I experiencing right now? etc".

I also thought: "that's all"? In a certain sense it was also disappointing ... certainly I felt fear given the height at which I was but more than anything else I felt no emotion ... nothing at all ... I had cried but many hours before.

 

[Chovyfan]

in my personal experience when i took SN last year i felt a mix of fear and relief. i was scared because it hurt and i didn't know if it was going to work. however right before i passed out i began to feel peaceful and rolled over in bed, pulled up my covers, and acted as if i were going to sleep for the night. if those were my last moments i wouldn't say they were the best but they certainly could have been worse. nothing can prepare you for the moments before death. you can do a mock attempt and think everything out over and over in your head but there is no way to emotionally prepare yourself. i have had 3 serious attempts and each one had a different emotion right before going through with it. when i tried to drown myself before going over a dam in the middle of winter, i remember pausing at the top of the dam by holding onto the ledge and looking at the clear blue sky thinking about how that was the last time i would ever see the sky and then letting go and letting the water pull me over the edge. when i tried to hang myself i passed out and woke back up due to SI and felt a great happiness that it had been somewhat successful before i put my weight back on my neck to try again

If you don't mind me asking how did the SN not work? Were you found too early?
Didn't use antiemtic and vomited? Or what happened?

 

[willitpass]

If you don't mind me asking how did the SN not work? Were you found too early?
Didn't use antiemtic and vomited? Or what happened?

it was a culmination of things. i didn't use an antiemetic which did cause me to vomit but i believe i would have died without it. however SI kicked in and i sent texts to my boyfriend telling him i was dying and he called for help. i still wanted to die it was just a panic thing because of the pain. the pain wasn't terrible but like i said there is no way to plan for how you will feel at the end of your life. when my dad found my i was unresponsive and required cpr so like i said i believe i still would have died despite vomiting

 

[S like Siren]

in my personal experience when i took SN last year i felt a mix of fear and relief. i was scared because it hurt and i didn't know if it was going to work. however right before i passed out i began to feel peaceful and rolled over in bed, pulled up my covers, and acted as if i were going to sleep for the night. if those were my last moments i wouldn't say they were the best but they certainly could have been worse. nothing can prepare you for the moments before death. you can do a mock attempt and think everything out over and over in your head but there is no way to emotionally prepare yourself. i have had 3 serious attempts and each one had a different emotion right before going through with it. when i tried to drown myself before going over a dam in the middle of winter, i remember pausing at the top of the dam by holding onto the ledge and looking at the clear blue sky thinking about how that was the last time i would ever see the sky and then letting go and letting the water pull me over the edge. when i tried to hang myself i passed out and woke back up due to SI and felt a great happiness that it had been somewhat successful before i put my weight back on my neck to try again

Unbelivable how you survived 3 such serious attempts!!

it was a culmination of things. i didn't use an antiemetic which did cause me to vomit but i believe i would have died without it. however SI kicked in and i sent texts to my boyfriend telling him i was dying and he called for help. i still wanted to die it was just a panic thing because of the pain. the pain wasn't terrible but like i said there is no way to plan for how you will feel at the end of your life. when my dad found my i was unresponsive and required cpr so like i said i believe i still would have died despite vomiting

May I ask you if when you were in pain and were aware that you were probably going to die, in your panic you thought: "No, I still want to live"? And before you passed out what did you feel? You thought that was the end?Sorry for all these questions ... :)

 

[ARW3N]

This is a very difficult question to answer because everyone thinks differently before they CTB. Two of my previous attempts were very different from each other. One was a long-drawn-out process which didn't end in death, the other one was an attempt which I expected to end in seconds but failed as well. The long-drawn-out attempt left me more than enough time to wonder if I had made a mistake. The shorter attempt made me feel that I wanted to get it quickly done with.

 

[willitpass]

Unbelivable how you survived 3 such serious attempts!!

May I ask you if when you were in pain and were aware that you were probably going to die, in your panic you thought: "No, I still want to live"? And before you passed out what did you feel? You thought that was the end?Sorry for all these questions ... :)

i was feeling conflicted emotions initially. my goodbye thread is actually out there somewhere on here. however within the last minute or so i accepted i was going to die and felt much more peaceful

 

[empty]

Of course, it would depend. During my most recent attempt, I just felt scared. I was trying to make myself go through with it, and ultimately I aborted the attempt. Others might feel more relief or calmness about it.

 

[Salkak]

in my personal experience when i took SN last year i felt a mix of fear and relief. i was scared because it hurt and i didn't know if it was going to work. however right before i passed out i began to feel peaceful and rolled over in bed, pulled up my covers, and acted as if i were going to sleep for the night. if those were my last moments i wouldn't say they were the best but they certainly could have been worse. nothing can prepare you for the moments before death. you can do a mock attempt and think everything out over and over in your head but there is no way to emotionally prepare yourself. i have had 3 serious attempts and each one had a different emotion right before going through with it. when i tried to drown myself before going over a dam in the middle of winter, i remember pausing at the top of the dam by holding onto the ledge and looking at the clear blue sky thinking about how that was the last time i would ever see the sky and then letting go and letting the water pull me over the edge. when i tried to hang myself i passed out and woke back up due to SI and felt a great happiness that it had been somewhat successful before i put my weight back on my neck to try again

Hey if don't mind me asking.. How did it feel to take SN? Was it too painful? On scale of one to ten what would you rate it?

 

[little helpers]

Hey if don't mind me asking.. How did it feel to take SN? Was it too painful? On scale of one to ten what would you rate it?

go read @blueclover_. 's thread if you haven't already, I guess. I'll put the link here in a second.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/sn-is-not-painless-its-just-a-good-enough-rip-off-of-n.77277/

 

[I-can-only-imagine]

My last attempt which was a serious attempt and very near successful (drs said if I hadn't been found when I was, another hour and I would have succeeded), I felt nothing but completely calm. No thoughts racing, no anxiety, nothing. Just completely calm. I have plans for my next attempt but my anxiety is much higher this time, because I am aware of the consequences of what will happen if unsuccessful. But then I remind myself, if unsuccessful, I can just try again.

 

[Lost Magic]

My last attempt which was a serious attempt and very near successful (drs said if I hadn't been found when I was, another hour and I would have succeeded), I felt nothing but completely calm. No thoughts racing, no anxiety, nothing. Just completely calm. I have plans for my next attempt but my anxiety is much higher this time, because I am aware of the consequences of what will happen if unsuccessful. But then I remind myself, if unsuccessful, I can just try again.

You need anti sickness tablets and propranolol for your next effort.

 

[willitpass]

Hey if don't mind me asking.. How did it feel to take SN? Was it too painful? On scale of one to ten what would you rate it?

probably a six, i think my mind made the pain worse. i felt heat in my abdomen shortly after taking that started spreading, it was like nothing i've ever felt before, not necessarily painful just highly strange. the nausea was pretty bad but nothing different from a stomach flu, i fought throwing up as long as possible, probably 10 minutes or so. then i just felt like i was going to pass out but it took about 20 minutes to actually do it. the strangest was my entire body was tingling, like when your foot falls asleep but your entire body. just very strange sensations. after all it is a poison

 

[Chaestergram]

I just didn't felt anything, it's like I was at peace, couldn't think of anything nor anyone. It's before it that yes I was all over the place and most of the time having huge panic attacks but once I committed to it it was only pure peace

 

[rationaltake]

My pal suicided few months ago and I was with her in the time that led to her demise. She was in pure anguish and despair. She couldnt sleep or eat for days on end. It was very painful to see her go through that. As much as I am pro choice yet I begged her to consider other options. I have no words to describe how traumatic it was for her and for me to witness it first hand. I wouldnt change a thing though. Im sure there are people who leave in better mindset though

I'm so sorry. That must have been unbearably hard for you. I'm sure you made a big difference to her just by being with her and she didn't have to pretend. Sorry for both you and your friend.

 

[Insomniac]

either sentimental or completely numb.

 

[Efilismislife]

It's kind of impossible to find out how people who are now dead felt right before they killed themselves...

Exactly what i said that makes it hard to know because theres no testimonial or review after people die. Otherwise it would be a lot easier

 

[LittleBlackCat]

probably a six, i think my mind made the pain worse. i felt heat in my abdomen shortly after taking that started spreading, it was like nothing i've ever felt before, not necessarily painful just highly strange. the nausea was pretty bad but nothing different from a stomach flu, i fought throwing up as long as possible, probably 10 minutes or so. then i just felt like i was going to pass out but it took about 20 minutes to actually do it. the strangest was my entire body was tingling, like when your foot falls asleep but your entire body. just very strange sensations. after all it is a poison

Sounds scary to me and I'm doubting this method to be honest. I think I'd freak out for sure. I'm trying to get the money together for N..

 

[ItsMe-Hecked]

Yeah, it all varies from person to person. However I am an anxious person who tends to over-react at times. This was built into me because of a very volatile upbringing. I had to use fight or flight all the time growing up. Anyway, I am going for the Sodium Nitrite method. So I have made sure to get propranolol tablets (these will reduce my heart rate) benzos (to make me calmer) painkillers (for pain obviously) and a sleeping pill (to help me relax further). If all goes well, these will suppress Survival Instinct significantly. So, yeah, I think drugs help a lot because without them I don't know if I could do it otherwise.

I'm going to do it without the extra meds. I will just prepare an extra glass because of vomiting, and I'll wash it down with a mouthful of maple syrup. I'm also going to meditate.

in my personal experience when i took SN last year i felt a mix of fear and relief. i was scared because it hurt and i didn't know if it was going to work. however right before i passed out i began to feel peaceful and rolled over in bed, pulled up my covers, and acted as if i were going to sleep for the night. if those were my last moments i wouldn't say they were the best but they certainly could have been worse. nothing can prepare you for the moments before death. you can do a mock attempt and think everything out over and over in your head but there is no way to emotionally prepare yourself. i have had 3 serious attempts and each one had a different emotion right before going through with it. when i tried to drown myself before going over a dam in the middle of winter, i remember pausing at the top of the dam by holding onto the ledge and looking at the clear blue sky thinking about how that was the last time i would ever see the sky and then letting go and letting the water pull me over the edge. when i tried to hang myself i passed out and woke back up due to SI and felt a great happiness that it had been somewhat successful before i put my weight back on my neck to try again

In what way did it hurt?

probably a six, i think my mind made the pain worse. i felt heat in my abdomen shortly after taking that started spreading, it was like nothing i've ever felt before, not necessarily painful just highly strange. the nausea was pretty bad but nothing different from a stomach flu, i fought throwing up as long as possible, probably 10 minutes or so. then i just felt like i was going to pass out but it took about 20 minutes to actually do it. the strangest was my entire body was tingling, like when your foot falls asleep but your entire body. just very strange sensations. after all it is a poison

Oh okay. That sounds not too bad in terms of physical pain.

 

[Rational man]

I read of a case close to where i live, where a man was seen by many witnesses. He meticulously parked his car, then walked towards the cliff summit without hesitating, walked off at 500 feet.

 

[StevieNixs]

it was a culmination of things. i didn't use an antiemetic which did cause me to vomit but i believe i would have died without it. however SI kicked in and i sent texts to my boyfriend telling him i was dying and he called for help. i still wanted to die it was just a panic thing because of the pain. the pain wasn't terrible but like i said there is no way to plan for how you will feel at the end of your life. when my dad found my i was unresponsive and required cpr so like i said i believe i still would have died despite vomiting

.... and this is one of the reasons why I chose to no longer use this method. Of course each person is different, but I seem to be reading a few posts like this of late and I have to listen to what people have said about their experiences and work out what is best for me.

 

[Depressed Cat]

I guess there is no single answer as you mentioned. It could have been anything ranging from fear, uncertainty, despair, anxiety, panic to relief, calmness, stoical, determination and many other things.

The way a person would have felt depends on several factors:

• Whether the suicide was an impulsive one or not
• The nature & lethality of the method of CTB
• How long and how much one was suffering before CTB
• The effect of medicines/alcohol/drugs in the system
• Whether one was CTB alone or with others
• The environment in which one was CTB
• The time of day
• Any other reason

 

[Darkover]

relieved scared depending on method used and how peaceful their passing is, it can be tragic to loss ones life and everyone they love but also it can be relief, depending on how attached someone is to something, for me if i get a peaceful way to die i'll be blessed there was never anything here for me life isn't worth the suffering for what little pleasure there is anyway, life it's not even worth doing at all, i just wish i'd left 17 years ago.