Venting how do you suppress the urge to impulsively kill yourself because you're mad about something

[eggsausagerice]

my mom kept bothering me about the takeout she ordered while i was out of the house and then she yelled at me for getting water on the floor because i was trying to clean my plushie and it was dripping water. it's stupid, but i just want to go out into the forest and drink sn because i'm mad at her right now. it's in my closet. my attempt would probably fail because i ate food and metoclopramide takes an hour to work after initially taking it. i just have a hard time coping with how mad i feel. i'm sitting outside because i don't want to be in the same room as my sn if i go into my bedroom.

i was out all day today with my friends, but i wasn't really in the mood to hang out with them or be social, so i didn't actually like being with them. i spent most of the time with them being silent because i didn't want to talk about how i felt annoyed by them. when i go home my mom makes me upset and when i go outside i'm never in the mood to talk, i just don't want to be home. after my mom yelled at me i logged onto grindr after i deleted it and told an account called "trans only" to die because they're only attracted to me because i'm trans instead of because they actually like me. i also told them that they shouldn't talk to me because they're 31 and i wouldn't ever want to talk to them in real life. they told me they didn't know why i was so upset at them, so i blocked them. it's stupid. i know i just wanted to yell at someone and tell them i hated them. i would do it again if i wasn't worried about my account getting banned.

i don't self harm, so i just repress my feelings and wait for them to go away. i just want to be able to feel okay. sometimes it feels like i'm always stressed or fucking up everywhere i go and i have to keep calm or i'll only make everyone more upset by me.

 

[emptywings]

my mom kept bothering me about the takeout she ordered while i was out of the house and then she yelled at me for getting water on the floor because i was trying to clean my plushie and it was dripping water. it's stupid, but i just want to go out into the forest and drink sn because i'm mad at her right now. it's in my closet. my attempt would probably fail because i ate food and metoclopramide takes an hour to work after initially taking it. i just have a hard time coping with how mad i feel. i'm sitting outside because i don't want to be in the same room as my sn if i go into my bedroom.

i was out all day today with my friends, but i wasn't really in the mood to hang out with them or be social, so i didn't actually like being with them. i spent most of the time with them being silent because i didn't want to talk about how i felt annoyed by them. when i go home my mom makes me upset and when i go outside i'm never in the mood to talk, i just don't want to be home. after my mom yelled at me i logged onto grindr after i deleted it and told an account called "trans only" to die because they're only attracted to me because i'm trans instead of because they actually like me. i also told them that they shouldn't talk to me because they're 31 and i wouldn't ever want to talk to them in real life. they told me they didn't know why i was so upset at them, so i blocked them. it's stupid. i know i just wanted to yell at someone and tell them i hated them.

i don't self harm, so i just repress my feelings and wait for them to go away. i just want to be able to feel okay. sometimes it feels like i'm always stressed or fucking up everywhere i go and i have to keep calm or i'll only make everyone more upset by me.

this happens to me aaall the time. honestly, the only thing i can do is sit on the floor and breathe, literally. sometimes i impulsively punch the wall or try to scratch at the air because of how much anxiety i'm feeling. it happened to me just a few minutes ago.

honestly, i don't really have any advice.

 

[eggsausagerice]

this happens to me aaall the time. honestly, the only thing i can do is sit on the floor and breathe, literally. sometimes i impulsively punch the wall or try to scratch at the air because of how much anxiety i'm feeling.

type shit honestly. my anger issues and the urge to tell people that i hate them/being a bitch instead of staying calm have gotten better as i've gotten older, but sometimes i can't really control it and have to storm out or go nonverbal. i have intrusive thoughts about saying hurtful things all the time and i have to remind myself i'll only get into an argument or strain the relationship if i say them out loud.

it's hard to just be rational and remember that i shouldn't shout that i think someone is stupid and that i hate them. i'm more mature than my mom because i don't give into her yelling at me and just leave the room instead of yelling back at her, because i know that's what she's trying to goad me into doing. i don't win by feeding into her negativity and telling her i think she's being a jerk. she'll just tell me that she needs to yell at me to discipline me. both of my parents are like that. when i told my dad i wanted to kill myself because of the way she treats me we basically got into a screaming match in the car and i told him that i would jump out onto the highway and try to make sure my body gets run over by him. we haven't talked about that day ever since it happened. he thinks it's easier. he doesn't like thinking about how he can't control his child regretting that it was born. i threatened to kill myself in front of them both on different days. the biggest intrusive thought is telling my mom "it's okay, because i'll kill myself and then you'll forgive me" after she yells at me, because i know that'll just make her more mad.

i just wanted to be able to talk about how mad i feel for a bit without sounding suicidebaity to my friends who don't think about killing themselves but say suicide jokes. it's always been a micro aggression for me but i never mention it to them. most people just don't know what it's like to always feel like you're on the verge of killing yourself because your stress tolerance is so low. i just can't handle it sometimes.

 

[Pluto]

 

[eggsausagerice]

gyuuuhhhh....

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

Tbh the fact that you're here talking and going outside and whatnot is answering your question! You're not impulsively killing yourself, you're finding other ways to blow off a bit of steam.

 

[eggsausagerice]

You're not impulsively killing yourself, you're finding other ways to blow off a bit of steam.

yeah but i'm thinking about it lol. that's the problem. i feel like i could throw my life away on any day if i choose to fast and go through with sn protocol even if i have plans later this month because i have my method with me. even if it looks like i'm being proactive about my suicidal thoughts i still struggle with finding ways to cope with them.

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

I just wanna clarify that I'm not trying to be snarky,

But are you looking for coping tips or more just empathy that walking yourself off the ledge is difficult?

This week I've been feeling pretty impulsive but I know I can't kill myself bc I literally have more gardening and stuff to do. My end date is 30 September, so after that I might iron out details, but also idk what I'll do if I get impulsive haha