How does one come to terms with the fact that your life is never going to change no matter how much effort you put into it? How does it work out that no matter what you do to survive you're the one that people blame for everything? I'm sick of sympathy I want answers. I don't want to hear it's going to be okay anymore because it never gets better. It just gets worse. I built up a life and it got destroyed by a jealous girl I considered a sister. I re-started and had to move around constantly because my own father kicked me out while I was working, it led to homelessness, abuse, sexual assault, and shitty life choices some that I consciously made only to survive. And now I'm even more of a disgrace and less than worthless to the same abusive family that were what put me in the position where I made choices that I did. And guess what? They think they've won and they kind of have. I'm broken beyond repair now. And how do you say goodbye to a life that was never meant to be lived in the first place? How do you say goodbye to anyone? Should I even say goodbye. Is it worth it? Because knowing that I wasn't then what's the use.
I imagine someone telling me that it's okay. With any other decision that feels right to me, people'd say that, but if it's suicide that makes it their responsibility so I just won't ever hear it, I'll say it to myself. "Karma" is not instant I guess, it sometimes takes more than one lifespan. I'm not asking anyone anything anymore, it's only for me, suicide is for me. I realise that my life could get "better", there are people who'd want to help me and say they love me, but I'm so dead and I don't trust anyone. A degree doesn't mean sh1t, a job, food, friends, partners. I don't care. And it's for a reason, I'm tired for a reason. I'm allowed to do whatever feels right to me. And you are too. Be it ctb or trying recovery, on your own terms.
Last edited:
