Today i can finally say that we have the same question my friend. I gathered all the resources(apart from benzos) for my method(SN).
I keep questioning myself if what is still keeping me here is SI or something else. What I have in my mind at the moment is:
- I didn't have the best life, my life was badly invalidated by PTSD, but i managed it through and i built something and got some money. Also my passions both gave me a job and something to believe in, kept me alive and still keep me company day and night. Still i don't feel so proud about myself.
- My parents, even if they are not perfect, don't deserve this. But i just think they are old now, almost 70, so it wont be that much of a trauma for them. Also, in my hometown many ppl lost their way and there were some suicide cases. My suicide would not make this great impact after all.
The point is that:
my mind is perfectly aware of what surrounds me, but only see negative things. I don't trust ppl(for legit reasons), but i know deeply in myself that i should find some friends or stuff to talk and entertain myself. PPL here are bad(due to ignorance and lack of job opportunities), will make me pay for my depressive period even if they are not all saints or perfect and I don't want to move again to another city, it just costs too much both financially and socially wise.
I never liked my life that much and i desperately wanted to change it, but due to PTSD and other factors i could not make it.
CTB seems the only way for me to peacefully end all of this and I also managed to do more difficult and dangerous stuff than drinking a cocktail.
My plan is to isolate myself from everything i like in this life, to finally take the final step.