Desert_Ash
New Member
- Dec 7, 2025
- 2
I'm not going to sugarcoat it. My life has been completely awful. This feels like the only place I might be safe enough to express this. Work envelops my life so much that I haven't been able to attend therapy in months. I don't want to bother my girlfriend too much about this kind of stuff either, as it's not her job to be my therapist. She doesn't deserve to be burdened with my consistent miserable-ness.
Sometimes, I genuinely find it hard to understand why I still want to live and what the point of it all is. I'm aware that I want to live with my girlfriend eventually. I'm aware I have a dream of writing/drawing stories. But whats the point? Why am I still here? I just want to vent my pain into the void. Maybe you all can find solace in my pain somehow? I don't know.
When I was a kid, around the age of 8, I was raped. My dad worked at the local tv station, and often times I just hung out with the owners niece. I never liked her. She always got me into trouble and made me do crap I didn't want to do. One day, we were hanging out in the owners RV and she wanted to show me porn (which admittedly I had already known about). She used that to try and "turn me on" then she locked me in the room with her. Said I wasn't allowed to leave until she got what she wanted. I knew about sex and I knew I wanted to do that with someone I actually loved first and foremost. However, she didn't give me a choice. I'm not going to get into the nasty details but I eventually had to cave to her demands and let her do what she wanted to me. All while she berated me. Because I'm half black, she expected me to be huge even though I was a child. And while she abused me, she constantly demeaned my body and my size.
Apparently, someone overheard what was happening and warned my dad and the owner. When my dad asked me if I consented I said no. However, the owners wife found me later when I was alone and said I had to "talk it out" with the girl who abused me because "she said I consented". So the owners wife put me in a room alone with her and made us talk it out with NO adult supervision. Of fucking course she intimidated me into saying I consented. Saying "you wanted it", "you were hard", "I'm not going to be the only one getting in trouble for this". After that the owner and his wife considered the issue "solved." I found out years later, last year in fact, my dad never knew about the fact that they had me in a room alone with the girl who abused me.
Life from then on was different. I became a lot angrier and I gained a large distrust in adults. However, not much happened until I would go into high school.
I believe it was 2016 when I started getting into metal music. Started off with stuff like Machine Head and Killswitch Engage ya know? I got really into it (still am) and crafted my own battle jacket. For those unaware, a battle jacket is a denim or leather vest/jacket where you stitch patches of the bands you like onto it. I wore it to school often and I eventually started to get looked at differently. At this time, I also got into self harm to try and cope with all the anger I had in me that I didn't know how to express healthily. Didn't take long for rumors to start about how I was a satanist. People even said I would go into the desert to kill coyotes and sacrifice them to satan. Shit got so bad that eventually people thought I was going to shoot up the school. I found out from one of the counselors that the people who reported that I might do so were my friends at the time. I felt so betrayed. My family has never once owned a gun and with how bad my mental health was, if we did own one I would have shot myself before wanting to shoot anyone else. No matter how much I hated them.
Eventually the rumors got so bad that the police were called. While I proved I wouldn't commit a school shooting it was very apparent that (due to my self harm) that I did have suicidal ideation. Thus I was sent to a mental rehabilitation center. When I got out, I had a choice of staying in school or being put in homeschool. More like my parents had the choice. I wanted to stay in school (for some reason) my parents however decided I should leave it. At first I was annoyed about it but I thank them for taking me away from there. At the very least this was when I met my current girlfriend, whose from Finland. There was at least one good thing that came from that.
After high school I got a job at a news station (yeah, the same one I was abused) and that didnt fuckin go well at all. During this time, a friend of mine started sexually harassing me after I came out as bi. It started with him admitting that he would "let me fuck him" to which I was a bit uncomfortable about that due to the fact that I was dating someone. I brushed it off and just told him "it would never happen". THen he kept trying to get me to sleep with him in bed. Then he started holding me out of nowhere, and if I told him to stop and that it made me uncomfortable? He would spin it around and say that Im weird for feeling that way.
I constantly tried to bring it up to him, tell him that the way he was acting towards me made me uncomfortable and that I wanted him to stop. Each time, he kept telling me that "it never happened" and that "i don't know why you would lie about something like that." He eventually DID admit to it when I wouldn't back down and then admitted that he just didn't want to talk about that because it would "ruin his mood".
It came to a point as he started an argument with me saying that I should just "take some dick" to see if I'm a bottom or not. I dont even remember how the conversation came to that topic. No matter how much I told him to stop talking about it, he wouldn't. That is until I yelled at him to stop and he finally did. Only to then say that "the conversation was getting too gay anyways" and then tried to make my other friends think I was weird for getting angry with him. I cut him off after that, but things got tense when my friends couldn't decide who to believe since I came out about how much he was doing stuff like that to me. In fact, my girlfriend is the only reason I realized I was being harassed. In the end, my friends decided that they would side with him. He would always say "Well I don't remember doing that to _____, but if I did I want him to talk to me about it." I cut all those friends off. All that gaslighting from this specific abuser, and probably due to what happened as a kid as well, I kept questioning whether or not if I was being harassed. I still do sometimes, despite the fact that my new friends, my girlfriend and my therapist all agree that I was indeed being harassed.
Honestly, a lot more happened to me since. My mom died. I got emotionally manipulated into having sex with someone I didn't want to all because if I didn't there was a very real chance she would have killed myself. More so that it got to the point where I felt that if she didn't have me the way she wanted she might hurt herself. In a way she couldn't take back.
The point is, I had a lot of bullshit happen in my life. I don't understand why there's a part of me who wants to live. I don't know why I'm feeding it. It feels like such a delusion to keep waking up each day even though theres a loud voice in my head that just wants to die. I miss going to therapy. I miss having more time for friends and most importantly, I miss being able to spend time with my girlfriend. I'm exhausted. I feel trapped. I don't know what to do. I don't even think there's a point to me talking about all of this. Maybe I just want to vent to the void that is the internet. Maybe I just want to know someone feels the same or has been through similar things. I don't know.
Sometimes, I genuinely find it hard to understand why I still want to live and what the point of it all is. I'm aware that I want to live with my girlfriend eventually. I'm aware I have a dream of writing/drawing stories. But whats the point? Why am I still here? I just want to vent my pain into the void. Maybe you all can find solace in my pain somehow? I don't know.
When I was a kid, around the age of 8, I was raped. My dad worked at the local tv station, and often times I just hung out with the owners niece. I never liked her. She always got me into trouble and made me do crap I didn't want to do. One day, we were hanging out in the owners RV and she wanted to show me porn (which admittedly I had already known about). She used that to try and "turn me on" then she locked me in the room with her. Said I wasn't allowed to leave until she got what she wanted. I knew about sex and I knew I wanted to do that with someone I actually loved first and foremost. However, she didn't give me a choice. I'm not going to get into the nasty details but I eventually had to cave to her demands and let her do what she wanted to me. All while she berated me. Because I'm half black, she expected me to be huge even though I was a child. And while she abused me, she constantly demeaned my body and my size.
Apparently, someone overheard what was happening and warned my dad and the owner. When my dad asked me if I consented I said no. However, the owners wife found me later when I was alone and said I had to "talk it out" with the girl who abused me because "she said I consented". So the owners wife put me in a room alone with her and made us talk it out with NO adult supervision. Of fucking course she intimidated me into saying I consented. Saying "you wanted it", "you were hard", "I'm not going to be the only one getting in trouble for this". After that the owner and his wife considered the issue "solved." I found out years later, last year in fact, my dad never knew about the fact that they had me in a room alone with the girl who abused me.
Life from then on was different. I became a lot angrier and I gained a large distrust in adults. However, not much happened until I would go into high school.
I believe it was 2016 when I started getting into metal music. Started off with stuff like Machine Head and Killswitch Engage ya know? I got really into it (still am) and crafted my own battle jacket. For those unaware, a battle jacket is a denim or leather vest/jacket where you stitch patches of the bands you like onto it. I wore it to school often and I eventually started to get looked at differently. At this time, I also got into self harm to try and cope with all the anger I had in me that I didn't know how to express healthily. Didn't take long for rumors to start about how I was a satanist. People even said I would go into the desert to kill coyotes and sacrifice them to satan. Shit got so bad that eventually people thought I was going to shoot up the school. I found out from one of the counselors that the people who reported that I might do so were my friends at the time. I felt so betrayed. My family has never once owned a gun and with how bad my mental health was, if we did own one I would have shot myself before wanting to shoot anyone else. No matter how much I hated them.
Eventually the rumors got so bad that the police were called. While I proved I wouldn't commit a school shooting it was very apparent that (due to my self harm) that I did have suicidal ideation. Thus I was sent to a mental rehabilitation center. When I got out, I had a choice of staying in school or being put in homeschool. More like my parents had the choice. I wanted to stay in school (for some reason) my parents however decided I should leave it. At first I was annoyed about it but I thank them for taking me away from there. At the very least this was when I met my current girlfriend, whose from Finland. There was at least one good thing that came from that.
After high school I got a job at a news station (yeah, the same one I was abused) and that didnt fuckin go well at all. During this time, a friend of mine started sexually harassing me after I came out as bi. It started with him admitting that he would "let me fuck him" to which I was a bit uncomfortable about that due to the fact that I was dating someone. I brushed it off and just told him "it would never happen". THen he kept trying to get me to sleep with him in bed. Then he started holding me out of nowhere, and if I told him to stop and that it made me uncomfortable? He would spin it around and say that Im weird for feeling that way.
I constantly tried to bring it up to him, tell him that the way he was acting towards me made me uncomfortable and that I wanted him to stop. Each time, he kept telling me that "it never happened" and that "i don't know why you would lie about something like that." He eventually DID admit to it when I wouldn't back down and then admitted that he just didn't want to talk about that because it would "ruin his mood".
It came to a point as he started an argument with me saying that I should just "take some dick" to see if I'm a bottom or not. I dont even remember how the conversation came to that topic. No matter how much I told him to stop talking about it, he wouldn't. That is until I yelled at him to stop and he finally did. Only to then say that "the conversation was getting too gay anyways" and then tried to make my other friends think I was weird for getting angry with him. I cut him off after that, but things got tense when my friends couldn't decide who to believe since I came out about how much he was doing stuff like that to me. In fact, my girlfriend is the only reason I realized I was being harassed. In the end, my friends decided that they would side with him. He would always say "Well I don't remember doing that to _____, but if I did I want him to talk to me about it." I cut all those friends off. All that gaslighting from this specific abuser, and probably due to what happened as a kid as well, I kept questioning whether or not if I was being harassed. I still do sometimes, despite the fact that my new friends, my girlfriend and my therapist all agree that I was indeed being harassed.
Honestly, a lot more happened to me since. My mom died. I got emotionally manipulated into having sex with someone I didn't want to all because if I didn't there was a very real chance she would have killed myself. More so that it got to the point where I felt that if she didn't have me the way she wanted she might hurt herself. In a way she couldn't take back.
The point is, I had a lot of bullshit happen in my life. I don't understand why there's a part of me who wants to live. I don't know why I'm feeding it. It feels like such a delusion to keep waking up each day even though theres a loud voice in my head that just wants to die. I miss going to therapy. I miss having more time for friends and most importantly, I miss being able to spend time with my girlfriend. I'm exhausted. I feel trapped. I don't know what to do. I don't even think there's a point to me talking about all of this. Maybe I just want to vent to the void that is the internet. Maybe I just want to know someone feels the same or has been through similar things. I don't know.
