Discussion How do you handle people that are "concerned" for you?

[Watson]

Thank you. They're not expecting me to CTB but to die of my cancer as I've had it for years and it's incurable. I'm actually planning to CTB soon but no one knows. When I do it, I know that my family are going to put a spin on it and claim that I died of cancer and not suicide. Just to keep up the facade of "normality" to outsiders as they've done for years.

Families that fall blindly in line trying to follow the rules of what normal is and isn't ...it's infuriating. Granted we all fall victim to societal norms but I've always felt when it comes to families, they are the most crazy about it all. All the bullshit roles and the ridiculous amount of pressure each member places on each other, themselves, and as a family as a whole is ridiculous.

I feel like that's the worst thing they can do by taking away what little control you have in your life and saying "cancer did it".. As opposed to understanding that you too control of your life back by making a choice and taking it.

That's just my 2c anyway....

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through all this on top of your health issues (fuck cancer, btw).
Hopefully you aren't in pain.. or in too much pain for the time being. :(

 

[Watson]

I am adhd ocd

Ah, yeah, I thought your comment felt familiar.

Are you in any medication for adhd?
I'm usually reluctant to be on meds but when my emotions are a bit too much for me to handle, I take them only to feel a false sense of calm.
I dunno if it wouldn't be the same for you though.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

Families that fall blindly in line trying to follow the rules of what normal is and isn't ...it's infuriating. Granted we all fall victim to societal norms but I've always felt when it comes to families, they are the most crazy about it all. All the bullshit roles and the ridiculous amount of pressure each member places on each other, themselves, and as a family as a whole is ridiculous.

I feel like that's the worst thing they can do by taking away what little control you have in your life and saying "cancer did it".. As opposed to understanding that you too control of your life back by making a choice and taking it.

That's just my 2c anyway....

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through all this on top of your health issues (fuck cancer, btw).
Hopefully you aren't in pain.. or in too much pain for the time being. :(

Thanks. My pain has been getting a bit worse lately which is why I've decided it's time to CTB by Feb. My family are all a shitshow and batshit crazy which is why they're gonna lie about me once I'm gone. I don't really care as I'll be dead. And yeah, fuck this disgusting cancer.

I hope everything is going well for you too.

 

[Vegrau]

Your list is how I feel exactly.
I feel most of the time people only want to help so in the end they could say, "Hey! I tried that one time, when I talked and asked about the thing!" and not feel as guilty when the time comes..

From my past experiences I feel that I've been burned too many times that it'd be insane to expect a different outcome from the same situations; however after reading a lot of what people wrote and feeling like there was acknowledgment, kind of made me feel a little better, regardless if my mindset changed or not.

Do you mind sharing why you can never trust another person?
if not, no worries and no pressure but if you would like to share I will listen.

You add one more to my list. To avoid guilt.. I never think of it but its true. Just for an excuse.

I dont mind sharing at this point. Same like you I got burned. Too many times. Broken promises. Irresponsible words. Betrayed trust. In the end I am the one that care too much. Too serious. They only want fun. Nothing more. They cannot stop themselves from doing things I hate even after I told them not to do it. Since beginning. Countless times repeatedly. They still keep doing it. Lying to me. Saying things they cannot take responsibility for. Promising me something theyre incapable of doing. I guess I am just too different from them.

 

[okyeah]

Have you tried getting a companion animal?
When I had my dog, I preferred his company over humans. He was the only thing I cared about and he was the best thing I could have asked for. It might be worth looking into getting a companion animal-- they provide a unique bond that is truly unique for you and them.

It's a nice idea that might have helped me earlier in life, I'm ready to die now though

 

[Watson]

It's a nice idea that might have helped me earlier in life, I'm ready to die now though

Ah I see your point.

 

[Watson]

You add one more to my list. To avoid guilt.. I never think of it but its true. Just for an excuse.

I dont mind sharing at this point. Same like you I got burned. Too many times. Broken promises. Irresponsible words. Betrayed trust. In the end I am the one that care too much. Too serious. They only want fun. Nothing more. They cannot stop themselves from doing things I hate even after I told them not to do it. Since beginning. Countless times repeatedly. They still keep doing it. Lying to me. Saying things they cannot take responsibility for. Promising me something theyre incapable of doing. I guess I am just too different from them.

I totally feel you. I think for me what hurts the most is that constant build up of hope, only to be obliterated by yet another disappointment.

I don't understand how people can be so cruel to one another just for their own personal gain and where people like us would sacrifice everything for someone or something if we had to only to have our efforts go completely wasted and our souls crushed.

I'm sorry to hear that you had to endure so many disappointments and broken promises. :(
It's one of the worst feelings.

 

[Letmego. Please]

Well at the time i have never welcomed it, but then i have never felt it was patronising or fake so i guess that helps.
When i was younger (18-30) i could not for the life of me work out why someone would give a toss, i didn't so why would they, i hated myself so surely everyone else should hate me too. By god have i been burned by friends, ex husband, etc but for some reason, stupidity probably i decided that i wasn't going to change who i was just cause some folks can be arseholes.
They have helped in realish ways, the last time i was sectioned a friend promised not to leave me to their mercy, so for 7 weeks she came & visited me everyday & took me out back to her house every other day, I've had friends move themselves in on suicide. I guess i reasoned that if they cared enough to want to help then i couldn't really blame them as i'd do the same in their shoes.
In the Uk there isn't really anyone to dob you in too, even in the cosy embrace of CMHT there is nothing they can do, cost cutting has closed all but 10 beds & the poor pay means they cannot even staff just that, so no i have nothing to fear so i don't. I did once have a friend call the fuzz to check on me, but my main objection was that she had just given me some super stinky cheese that i was smoking when said copper turned up lol
I don't fake it as such, I have always been a private person, don't find talking about my demons easy so i don't but after a while folks get to know you & hiding becomes harder, but that is life & now I'm on the wrong side of 45 i have learnt that not everyone is an arsehole & i'd have missed out on a whole lot of fun if i had of gone the other way after being burnt.

As always congrats if you got to the end

 

[Vegrau]

I totally feel you. I think for me what hurts the most is that constant build up of hope, only to be obliterated by yet another disappointment.

I don't understand how people can be so cruel to one another just for their own personal gain and where people like us would sacrifice everything for someone or something if we had to only to have our efforts go completely wasted and our souls crushed.

I'm sorry to hear that you had to endure so many disappointments and broken promises. :(
It's one of the worst feelings.

Thank you for saying that. Its alright. I am worn out from giving those people a chance when they try to befriend me, only to be disappointed by their actions. I dont expect much. Only respect, honesty and stop doing things I hate like lying and irresponsibility.

Most of the time theyre just lazy. And yes it hurt when all our effort gone to waste. Especially since we gave them the chance to be close to us. I dont need them but I cannot ignore their good will. I find myself obligated to response and gave them a fair chance at least. Yet everytime theres nothing but disappointment.

 

[azucaramargo]

A couple day ago, a few people reached out to me and expressed their "concern" for my well-being.

Ever since those brief conversations took place, I found myself feeling sorry for those that reached out to me--

I felt bad that they were wasting their time on a lost cause. I felt bad that they hadn't yet realized that my existence was meaningless. I also felt confused as to why they would be concerned with me to begin with. Who cares?

A part of me wanted to feel comfort in knowing that people might actually care about me, but I couldn't.
I wanted to feel thankful that I could have mattered to someone, but I don't. I just have this unbearable emptiness of despair and continue to live in apathy. I just feel disconnected and incapable of life.

The conversations have not motivated me any less or decreased my desire/need to ctb, but just made me ponder.
So I'm curious about how do/did you handle those situations where people have reached out to you expressing their concern?

Did you welcome it?
Did you reject it?
Did you believe them?
How did it make you feel after?
Were you confused why people cared?
Did they offer help? Did you take it?
Did they report you?
Did you have to fake being ok?

I find that I am wanting to want to feel things. If that makes sense? I dunno if what I'm feeling makes any sense at all.

Thanks for posting this, Watson. I really love when people express their concern. I really love attention...especially "good" attention. I always have the unrealistic hope that people are just going to swoop in and save me. And, people going out of their way to check on me...well, I'd say that's pretty effing cool. For me, it's more painful to feel that people don't care, or have given up on you, or wouldn't BLAME you if you ctb'd because they, too, think your life is crap. I like when people reassure me.

 

[Misanthrope]

Aww, Spike sounds adorable & an albino ferret is beautiful! I've never seen a ferret in person so I can only rely on google.

How did you end up getting Spike?
Did you ever walk/leash him? (I remember that one movie with Ben Stiller and a ferret for some reason).
Do you have any other quirks about Spike?

I know my past experiences have made me reluctant to trust people and because of that I tend to have a lot of 'shallow/surface level' friendships where I don't let anyone get too close, etc. I just find that even with the strongest relationships with friends/partners/whoever, I find that I am still self censoring my thoughts and the like. I do have a handful of solid relationships although they are starting to deteriorate as I've become even more of a recluse lately.. But I can understand that constantly living with that mindset is a hinderance to any positive relationship in the first place.

And I definitely agree that animals provide something far more pure than humans can ever provide one another. There really is something so special about animals and the bond that they share with us.
They love you unconditionally and truly love you for who you are-- with whatever flaws and doubts you might think you have... they don't care. They are happy to be with just you. Everyday & always.
They also teach us to live in the moment and not worry about what happened yesterday or will happen tomorrow. They just want to enjoy now. With you. In that moment. Just the two of you...

And oooooh Watson had a ton of quirks actually.
(Be prepared for a long read.. TL;DR: yes he has a lot of quirks)

Some of his physical quirks were that he was a gold fawn sable with white markings but also carried the merle gene which caused him to have blue eyes. He also had ticks of white fur on his back atypical to most sables from his merle gene but his hackles were darker with typical sable traits. I didn't have any idea about any of this until my vet told me about it after I had rescued him-- Pretty much it all just meant he looked liked a deer/bambi. He had blue eyes but his right eye had a little black on the very top so technically he had heterochromia. His eyes were extremely expressive and he was really observant to everything around him.

He was also predominantly left pawed and was very paw-y. Whenever I would take my phone out to look at something he would immediately paw my phone away and sit on my chest so all attention had to be on him. He would also always paw at me when he wanted my attention or if he wanted to go outside. He would also paw/crawl to me whenever I asked him if he wanted to go outside. His paws were never aggressive and actually always very gentle and endearing.
When he got excited he would lift both of his front paw up at the same time and tap the floor/bed/etc with his ears perked back, grinning and looking up at me. When he ran it was more of a hop-fly where his front paws would raise up simultaneously and he would glide around only to descend and hop back up to fly around. When I whistled for him he would do his best to hastily land by my feet in the perfect sitting position. .

He rarely barked but when he did, his bark wasn't the typical chihuahua high pitched "yelp" but it was more like middle pitch "bao". His bark always came in a set of two, the first one lower than the second "bao-BAO" .. "bao- BAO" ! As he barked with as much vigor a 5lb chihuahua could, his head would rotate slightly clockwise and his ears would always flap back and forth. He would also always sigh after he barked and sigh whenever he was bored or sigh if I was taking too long doing whatever I was doing.

He was an extremely fast learner when teaching tricks and learned almost everything in a day and a half. He learned through hand signals + vocal commands with treats. I'd have a treat in one and and my other hand signaling and I could always see his eyes shifting from treat to my hand, treat to hand. He learned all the usual tricks and he was getting better at saying " i love you" whenever I said it to him howling. He couldn't always get "wait" (my version of stay)-- if I told him to wait and walked into another room though.. he always had to be my shadow so he would break that one command just to be by my side. His separation anxiety was really extreme and I was trying to work on it but I realized I had separation anxiety just as bad so I gave up on that plan...

I could go on forever so I will spare as I have already written way too much... But yeah.. he had his quirks and he was really special.
Thanks for asking by the way.. Even though it makes me cry I'm happy to share about Watson and let people know he really was really wonderful.

And thanks..
I tried to give him the best life possible but I can't help feeling like a failure that I couldn't save him.

When he got diagnosed with heart failure I had found out there are 3 clinics that offer heart surgery for dogs and had immediately begun the steps to get him accepted as a candidate and surgery date.
They said 6 months to a year was the average for dogs with heart disease and about 6 months was the wait list for surgery.The day he passed I received an email for his surgery date and his approved candidacy....

To keep it short, I feel that no matter what did and would have done to save him, I just know it wasn't enough in the end and I hate myself for it.
Is this ironic that I'm saying that while on this forum? lol..


And.. I wish I could get another animal but I feel that it wouldn't be fair to Watson, nor am I ready. Also if I got another animal, I would have to stay alive longer for them. My only reason staying alive before was Watson, and now that he's gone, here I am.

Do you have any pet?
If you don't mind me asking, what happened to Spike?

Sorry for the slowness of my response Watson I have been both distracted and ill.

I got Spike from a rescue centre for ferrets. So he was already an adult at the time.

I did walk him at times, which meant people would come up to me and enquire about Spike. He loved the attention and getting scratched on the top of his head. I enjoyed explaining about him.

He had quite a few quirks. If I had a friend on my sofa Spike would often climb up them. Not content to just be on their shoulder he would maneuver onto the top of their head and just reside there. We called it wearing the Ferret Crown.

Spike would kind of grab my foot and ride it as I moved for a while. Then clamber up my leg and rest on my shoulder. For some reason he also liked sniffing in people's ears. When giving him chicks he would sometimes go absolutely berserk just prior and throw himself about in a hilarious manner akin to a drunken dance.



I am glad you do have some decent relationships. My own are also in decline as I am also isolating. People these days take so much energy out of me that I rarely have. I also find the pity in their eyes to be unpleasant. Do you know what is causing you to isolate?

Reading Watson's quirks gave me a good chuckle. Thanks for sharing them. I can tell he was wonderful, just from your description your love for him is very evident.

To keep it short, I feel that no matter what did and would have done to save him, I just know it wasn't enough in the end and I hate myself for it.

You shouldn't hate yourself for this because you did everything you could. What more is there other than manifesting as a god and rewriting reality? That is not a fair expectation to put on yourself.

I think Watson would you want to be happy regardless and not view another pet as a betrayal. But I also understand the pursuit of peace. All I can do is wish you the best outcome on whatever journey you take.

I have two Guinea pigs called Scooby and Shaggy. I call them my furry potatoes. They are less work than a ferret but I think as my health declines I will likely have to re-home them anyway.

Spike died after about six years. He had a distended belly that ended up twisted. However I will always appreciate the years I had with him. He lives on in fond memory.

 

[Watson]

.

I hope you are feeling better!
& No worries on replying, and no pressure ever.

Thank you for sharing your story with me-- I am bummed that I've never had a ferret now after hearing about Spike.
I had no idea ferrets were such sociable creatures with such great dance moves. I'm sorry to hear he passed but I admire your strength and outlook towards his loss. It's really beautiful.
I appreciate your kind words as well-- They way you put it puts things into a different perspective, even if only for a little while. I am hoping in time I would be able to get out of this dark place in my head but I'm also too tired to try. But thank you.

Also, I hope your furry potatoes are doing well-- That's actually the perfect description for guinea pigs. -- have you hear of skinny pigs?
I had a hairless rat named Sweater, and for a while I kept looking up hairless animals and hairless guinea pigs (skinny pigs) look like tiny tiny hippos. tiny.


As for the isolation, I have always lived in various degrees of isolation. I think for me as I've gotten older the isolation is just more extreme.
I know my somewhat messed up childhood contributes to my solitary tendencies as well as my people pleasing impulses. (I say 'somewhat' as I never realized my childhood wasn't 'normal' by societal standards, but it was normal for me at the time as I didn't know any better)

I have issues with being able to express myself as I tend to internalize everything so everyday conversations end up becoming long drawn out miserable battles in my head. Simple conversations that should be forgotten can keep me preoccupied for hours, sometimes days. Wondering if I said the right thing, or if I said the wrong thing, or if I shouldn't have said anything. Worrying if I offended someone or if I came across rude, etc etc.
And in the end, I say things that I probably didn't mean and only what the other person just wanted to hear.
Strangely enough, this happens only when communicating in person.
I also know with Watson's gone that's also contributed to me being even more extreme in keeping to myself. But I suppose that goes back to me not being able to express myself..

Is your illness a contributing factor to your isolation?
Or do you find that you prefer to be alone ? (minus from the pity stares of course)

Also, I hope you don't mind me asking but are you a writer?
You don't have to answer that if it's too personal but the way you write is wonderful.
I find that I ask questions because I'm genuinely curious but also because your illustrate your thoughts beautifully.

 

[Misanthrope]

It has been a rough holiday period. How has yours been? Personally I am glad it is over.

Ferrets are very sociable animals they will bond with you for life. I definitely miss him, even his sock theft.

I can only hope you can manage to get out of a dark place. I wish no one suffered these dark places in the first place. Or there was better access to the things that may well allow you to build a fire against that darkness. It is a tough place to be when you have run out of energy. Try not to condemn yourself too much though. It is not a case of you not trying but of simply being exhausted. We all have our limits. If I could give you some strength from afar I would transfer it to you. I saw in another thread you wanted a hug. So I am sending you a digital one. Its intent is genuine, I hope it goes even just a small way towards offsetting your current loneliness.

My Guinea pigs are content enough munching on every vegetable going, but I have very much struggled to clean them out on time.

I have heard of skinny pigs, animals without their fur or feathers look pretty strange to me.

https://www.boredpanda.com/hairless...oogle&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic

Naked ferrets look even stranger!

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/73/43/07/73430790ea2d1159792b8f875abcf1b8.jpg

Do you find people to be too draining for you these days? Sounds like you ruminate a lot on things said or you mean to say.

You know there is a view that it is wrong to be selfish. But some selfishness is actually healthy. Because if you give of yourself constantly people will use you like a convenient doormat and take all you have to give until you are left spent and used. Something I myself was vulnerable to in the past. The power to say no to people and leave them offended is a good power to have. Because it means you have boundaries and can enforce those boundaries. It also helps you define your sense of self versus what everyone else wants to make of you. If you can disentangle yourself from needing to please others you may find yourself less exhausted and less plagued by what you maybe should or should not have said. Not everyone is worth your time or energy Watson. Especially if it is at the expense of yourself.

Can I ask, do you feel you are worthless in some way? If you do think that I want to point out your compassion shared across this site demonstrates the opposite. especially as you are in pain yourself.

My isolation now mostly comes from being unwell. The more I cancel on people the less those people invite me to things. It is an understandable response. It also bothers me I am cancelling things at the last minute. There is also the pay back of if I do go out. My body will hold it against me, especially if food is involved. A lot of socializing seems centered around food annoyingly.

I am not a writer in the standard sense, the closest to that was writing articles and guides on the forum where I worked.

It is good you are curious. Is there anything you find yourself drawn to learn about? That excites your curiosity? For me it is science, animals, and nature. If you want to continue to chat in Pm, my inbox is open to you.

Take care.

 

[TAW122]

I'm bumping this thread because it contains good information, and actually, I am still working on ways to keep people at bay from interfering with my possible ctb plans. If others have additional strategies and remarks for the patronizing, busy-body nosy people in life, then feel free to chip in.

I could always add more counter-rebuttals to combat the goody two-shoes and busybodies trying to pry into my life and business.

 

[Redt2go]

I get 'the flu' alot lol

 

[DrownedOctopus]

A couple day ago, a few people reached out to me and expressed their "concern" for my well-being.

Ever since those brief conversations took place, I found myself feeling sorry for those that reached out to me--

I felt bad that they were wasting their time on a lost cause. I felt bad that they hadn't yet realized that my existence was meaningless. I also felt confused as to why they would be concerned with me to begin with. Who cares?

A part of me wanted to feel comfort in knowing that people might actually care about me, but I couldn't.
I wanted to feel thankful that I could have mattered to someone, but I don't. I just have this unbearable emptiness of despair and continue to live in apathy. I just feel disconnected and incapable of life.

The conversations have not motivated me any less or decreased my desire/need to ctb, but just made me ponder.
So I'm curious about how do/did you handle those situations where people have reached out to you expressing their concern?

Did you welcome it?
Did you reject it?
Did you believe them?
How did it make you feel after?
Were you confused why people cared?
Did they offer help? Did you take it?
Did they report you?
Did you have to fake being ok?

I find that I am wanting to want to feel things. If that makes sense? I dunno if what I'm feeling makes any sense at all.

I understood their concern, and because of who it came from I believed it. Mostly they just offer to listen, which is no help because I'm someone who you have to force into talking about anything about myself. This site is one of the only exceptions to that.
Sometimes I talk to them, but it's never changed my mind. I should probably also mention the only person in my life that knows I'm suicidal is my soon to be husband who is the same way.
Sometimes he talks to me seriously about it when he knows I'm really not okay again, and sometimes we make those dark-humored jokes about it. We've both told each other "essentially it's your decision, but as long as you choose to be alive I will love and support you as best I can."
Everyone else just used to ask if I'm okay if I can't put on a face for them, but they generally accept "I'm just tired" as an answer.
And because of who I am as a person, I think they just accepted that as part of my personality.

 

[Gray Wounds]

I don't really care about anyone else. They are free to feel concerned but if I see them getting in my way, I do all that I can to eliminate them. And no, no murders committed. I just rid myself of them by shutting them out of me.

Both my real parents and those who adopted me for example are now in my trash bin. They do not care about me at all. The former cares about her bullshitty fame and gain since she's poor and is also poor in the head. While the latter cares only about their image. The question now lies on whether my best friend really is concerned or is just acting too like everyone else.

 

[dieornottodie]

in real life, it is more of a selfish trend, toxic positivity and things like that, they dont really care
unless it is a close person to you,
i cant tell you about that because i have never had that experience, usually people are superficial or are bored and use you for a pass time