How do you forget something like that? “Go ahead, kill yourself — I’ll throw you in a trash bag.”

[thaelyana]

When I was in 8th or 9th grade — around 14 or 15 years old — I used to fight constantly with my dad. And I'm not talking about typical teen-parent arguments. It was violent. We yelled, insulted each other, said things no one should ever hear — especially not from their own parent.

Back then, my way of coping was hurting myself. I used to self-harm. Not deeply, but enough to leave marks. It was a way to get attention. I won't lie. Part of me felt… almost good when someone noticed.
(Especially people at school — never my parents, of course.)
It was like proof that I existed, that I wasn't okay. Even now, some of those scars are still faintly there. I saw the school psychologist in secret. I called suicide helplines like "SOS Amitié" on my own.

In my closet, I kept a knife. Right next to a locked box filled with suicide letters.

I remember one fight very clearly. I took the knife, went out to the balcony, and threatened to kill myself. My mom grabbed me, took the knife away. And my dad… he looked me dead in the eyes and said, word for word:

« Go ahead. Kill yourself. It'll do me good. The day you do it, I'll put you in a trash bag and throw you out. »

That stuck with me. It's been four years now. I'm 18. On the surface, everything looks fine. We don't argue anymore. We talk. We live under the same roof. He's there. I know he loves me. But that sentence — that moment — still comes back. Especially when I'm not doing well.

Sometimes I think about doing it. Killing myself.
Jumping out the window?
(Third floor — probably not enough to die, just end up disabled.)
Throwing myself under a TGV to the Netherlands?
(Good idea, if I had the guts.)
Hanging myself?
(Too scared of the image I'd leave behind — blue, cold — for my family to find.)

Basically, I find excuses. Or I try to.

Because I tell myself: « No. They love me. It would destroy them. » . But then I remember what my dad said — that he wanted me dead, in a trash bag, rotting in some dumpster. I remember all the things they've shouted at me.
And then… I start to doubt. I doubt they'd be destroyed. I doubt they love me the way I thought they did.

And it's not just him. My « first »little sister — the one just a year younger than me — she hates me. Like, really. She screams it: « I hate Théa! I don't love you! » I didn't ask for this. But I take it. She's stupid, honestly. I don't like her either.

So yeah. I wonder: Do I actually matter to anyone? Or am I just telling myself that so I don't fall apart?

I know, somewhere deep down, that they love me. But when your own father once said he'd throw your body in a trash bag if you died… How the fuck are you supposed to believe you're loved after that?

There's one thing — one person — that keeps me here. My 13-year-old little sister. I love her with everything I have. Her presence alone is the one reason I'm still alive. I honestly don't know how she'd recover if I killed myself.


(Sorry if the message isn't clear — I asked ChatGPT to translate it)

 

[bankai]

I understand you can't forget. There are a lot of things I grew up with that I'm not able to forget.
My parents were mean to each other. They were mean to me as well but not overwhelming so.but I understand most people are flawed as human beings. That means they are going to be flawed as parents as well.
Actions and words, I mean. Things my parents did and things they said. But they're human too, just like me. It's not possible for us to Forget . these things are going to be back there in the deep recesses of our mind probably forever.


Forgive your father though. I'm sure these things weigh on him as well. I'm sure he's ashamed for saying that , but he'll never admit that to you.

Parents will never admit their faults or ask for your forgiveness because they think it's a sign of weakness.But you'll always be their child, no matter how old you get. It's the same thing with my mother as well.

Those old wounds don't matter so much anymore.I've kind of let go at this point.

 

[schizozoomr]

You matter to people.

 

[thaelyana]

I understand you can't forget. There are a lot of things I grew up with that I'm not able to forget.
My parents were mean to each other. They were mean to me as well but not overwhelming so.but I understand most people are flawed as human beings. That means they are going to be flawed as parents as well.
Actions and words, I mean. Things my parents did and things they said. But they're human too, just like me. It's not possible for us to Forget . these things are going to be back there in the deep recesses of our mind probably forever.


Forgive your father though. I'm sure these things weigh on him as well. I'm sure he's ashamed for saying that , but he'll never admit that to you.

Parents will never admit their faults or ask for your forgiveness because they think it's a sign of weakness.But you'll always be their child, no matter how old you get. It's the same thing with my mother as well.

Those old wounds don't matter so much anymore.I've kind of let go at this point.

I try not to think about it anymore… But deep down, there's always a part of me that believes he truly meant it. And I imagine that if one day I choose to CTB, that sentence will come back to me — without a doubt.


I know that sometimes I also say terrible things that I don't mean at all, without realizing that the other person might remember them forever. So… I can't really blame him.
I love my dad. Just as he is.
Thank you as well for sharing your story.

You matter to people.

Oh, I know I matter to some people .. I know that perfectly well… It's hard, you know? Because I'm not okay, and there's NO REASON for it. Ican't find one. I know I'm loved…
Iprobably have a good future ahead of me, career-wise… I have ambitions. There's absolutely no reason to CTB — really, NONE.

And yet, there's this deep pain inside me… This constant feeling of loneliness.

 

[schizozoomr]

I try not to think about it anymore… But deep down, there's always a part of me that believes he truly meant it. And I imagine that if one day I choose to CTB, that sentence will come back to me — without a doubt.


I know that sometimes I also say terrible things that I don't mean at all, without realizing that the other person might remember them forever. So… I can't really blame him.
I love my dad. Just as he is.
Thank you as well for sharing your story.



Oh, I know I matter to some people .. I know that perfectly well… It's hard, you know? Because I'm not okay, and there's NO REASON for it. Ican't find one. I know I'm loved…
Iprobably have a good future ahead of me, career-wise… I have ambitions. There's absolutely no reason to CTB — really, NONE.

And yet, there's this deep pain inside me… This constant feeling of loneliness.

You don't need to feel lonely. Bring it up to him. Bring it up and ask him what he meant and wether he still means it. It might bring closure.

 

[bankai]

there's always a part of me that believes he truly meant it.

I don't think he did. It's because he's your dad that those words hurt you so much. My dad said a lot of things that hurt me as well growing up. But he definitely didn't mean any of that. He was repentant at the end. He never told me he was. But I knew lol.

Please let go of it if you can.But I understand. These wounds don't heal easy.

 

[thaelyana]

You don't need to feel lonely. Bring it up to him. Bring it up and ask him what he meant and wether he still means it. It might bring closure.

I don't think he did. It's because he's your dad that those words hurt you so much. My dad said a lot of things that hurt me as well growing up. But he definitely didn't mean any of that. He was repentant at the end. He never told me he was. But I knew lol.

Please let go of it if you can.

Thank you both so much… Yeah, I probably need to talk to my dad about it. But I know he'll never admit to having said that. He always thinks he's right. I need to let go of that comment. Thank you so much, friends

 

[Doll Steak]

I don't have any advice but I do relate in a way to the cries of help. This is just a useless ramble so feel free to ignore, it just felt cathartic to write.

I used to cut a lot. Even though I always hid it from everyone, deep down it still felt like some kind of silent cry for help. I'd do it in the stalls of the school bathrooms sometimes, like I wanted to be caught. One time as I came back from the bathroom, I had nicked my thumb and had to hold a paper towel to it. Part of me hoped someone would notice, but even then, my instinct was to hide it. So no one ever did. I wore the same two hoodies for months, sleeves pulled down tight, and no one ever asked why. I'd silently cry randomly in class or at lunch, but I'd still manage to hide everything, almost without thinking, but I didn't even want to hide it.

A different day, I got sent to the office because I wasn't following a teacher's rules. I was already feeling suicidal that day, But instead it came out as aggression and melancholy. I remember sitting there, across from the principal as they spoke with me, holding back tears. They asked if I was crying. and I said no, but it was obvious I was resisting. I think she got uncomfortable though, she said something reassuring, then told me we'd talk again later and I was on my way but she never did check on me again, it not their job anyway but it felt so terrible. That day was strange.

Again sorry for the rant, Just felt like sharing.

 

[thaelyana]

I don't have any advice but I do relate in a way to the cries of help. This is just a useless ramble so feel free to ignore, it just felt cathartic to write.

I used to cut a lot. Even though I always hid it from everyone, deep down it still felt like some kind of silent cry for help. I'd do it in the stalls of the school bathrooms sometimes, like I wanted to be caught. One time as I came back from the bathroom, I had nicked my thumb and had to hold a paper towel to it. Part of me hoped someone would notice, but even then, my instinct was to hide it. So no one ever did. I wore the same two hoodies for months, sleeves pulled down tight, and no one ever asked why. I'd silently cry randomly in class or at lunch, but I'd still manage to hide everything, almost without thinking, but I didn't even want to hide it.

A different day, I got sent to the office because I wasn't following a teacher's rules. I was already feeling suicidal that day, But instead it came out as aggression and melancholy. I remember sitting there, across from the principal as they spoke with me, holding back tears. They asked if I was crying. and I said no, but it was obvious I was resisting. I think she got uncomfortable though, she said something reassuring, then told me we'd talk again later and I was on my way but she never did check on me again, it not their job anyway but it felt so terrible. That day was strange.

Again sorry for the rant, Just felt like sharing.

I used to cry for help all the time, now, not at all. I've given up. I suffer in silence.
You have a beautiful pen, thank you for sharing that. I promise you, I was truly moved by what you wrote… How are you today?

 

[Doll Steak]

I used to cry for help all the time, now, not at all. I've given up. I suffer in silence.
You have a beautiful pen, thank you for sharing that. I promise you, I was truly moved by what you wrote… How are you today?

I'm feeling okay, Just tired and bored right now kind of pensive. Thanks for asking.

 

[thaelyana]

I'm feeling okay, Just tired and bored right now. Thanks for asking.

Good have a good night

 

[imgonesoondontworry]

I cant fully relate but I have had someone I love tell me they wish I would just kill myself already before. Its the worst. I also understand the cries for help. I was severely bullied at school, my dad was pretty neglectful and my mom was strung out too far to deal with me. I just felt like I didn't exist. I still do honestly but I kind of prefer it that way now. But you're definitely not alone.

 

[thaelyana]

I cant fully relate but I have had someone I love tell me they wish I would just kill myself already before. Its the worst. I also understand the cries for help. I was severely bullied at school, my dad was pretty neglectful and my mom was strung out too far to deal with me. I just felt like I didn't exist. I still do honestly but I kind of prefer it that way now. But you're definitely not alone.

I also understand how you feel, and it's comforting to know we're not alone in those moments. I hope you're not alone either. Sometimes, our life seems much darker than it really is, kind of like how we judge ourselves… which is often very harsh and, most of the time, untrue, right? Thank you so much for your message. Wanting to end your life is already hard to live with, but when someone else wishes that for you… that's a whole other kind of pain, and it really hurts.