How do you feel about your parents…

[LastLoveLetter]

My parents - particularly my mother - resented my existence and made no secret of it. I was sexually abused, physically abused, neglected, drugged, and almost murdered by my mother when she tried to suffocate me in sleep. I was chased by my mother wielding a knife and witnessed her stab my father. I was forced to watch as she and her brothers killed and tortured pets.

I was passed around like nothing but a toy. My earliest memories are of being sexually abused at the age of 3, but my father admitted that my mother started abusing me long before then.

This is merely a stripped down summary - I cannot truly capture the extent of the pain they caused and the damage they inflicted over the years. There are things they did that I've never told a soul and I doubt I ever will.

My father is dead. My mother moved on with her life as if I never existed, got married to another man and had a new family. While I've been erased and forgotten like the mistake I am.

I hate what my parents and other family members did to me, yet I also yearn for them. However, I'm not pining for the parents I actually had. That yearning is for the loving mother and father that I wish I had.

 

[HighFlight]

My mom stayed married to my dad because of "us kids." She took years of abuse for "our sake." When she finally divorced him, he decided to try to kill her. It was one more thing he wasn't good at, but sure made a hell of a mess. I would have loved to known my dad in a world where he wasn't drunk, depressed and paranoid. And I would do anything for my mom, who did everything she could to protect us.

At least I can thank my dad for the mental health issues he has past on to me. And now I've past those genes on to my son.

As a parent, I can only hope that he will get the help he needs (and says he wants), finds peace, and lives a normal life. As for myself, old age has shown I'm passed being able to turn my life around - no longer worth the effort.

"I left your mother because of you kids!" said my dad many times and looking me straight in the eye after he walked out when I was 10. My mom told me she wished I were never born and how much she regretted having kids. She never told me she loved me or hugged me, ever. Not once. She showed her 'love' by beating me with hot wheel tracks. My dad broke both of my hands. This isn't even scratching the surface.

To answer the question, let's just say they aren't exactly my favorite people in the world.

I can't even imagine the pain you have suffered. (I cried reading though this and so many other replies in this thread.) We can't change the past, but you don't deserve to be tortured by your parents. I pray that you, and everyone else here, are able to find a peaceful and painless future.

 

[Suicidе]

They made multiple reckless and irresponsible choices just to satisfy their conditioned desires that will never be satisfied. But, I still feel terrible that they were also forcibly indoctrinated into their parents' ideology and got abused by their captors just as I was abused by them. My parents made me dependent on them for emotional comfort, so they starved me of it when I did something they found to be bad. My father would frequently punish me when my grades weren't high enough. He'd question me in a serious and angry tone, which I feared, why my grades weren't above 90's or A's. I was always too afraid to answer because his raised tone of voice was already enough to put me in tears, and if I answered with a cracking voice, he'd yell at me for crying and that he "never did anything" to make me cry, He'd then force me to stand in place for a long time, if I moved out of place he'd fucking hit me with a belt and worsen it. All while my mother ignored it or did nothing useful. Most of it happened before I was 10 and they did it to their other children too. It now seems that they've forgotten what they did.

I had lots of academic pressure because of their selfish and futile desire for success that will never contribute to any pain mitigation in the real world other than relieving the deprivation of his conditioned desire for "success". Even when they stopped academically pressuring me, I was still left to deal with the residue of abuse that made me socially anxious and other social pressures such as being harassed by other assholes. The abuse made me feel guilty every time I didn't meet someone's expectations, made me cry while feeling like shit for accidentally doing something contrary to expectation, on the verge of panic every time I had to be in front of a crowd, and at times it was difficult to even ask permission for basic necessities. I couldn't be looked at straight in the eye without feeling intimidated or being on the verge of tears, The slightest change of tone of voice made me anxious. Being questioned over the authenticity of my work made me anxious/verge of tears/intimidation/fear. Even after all that I was left with just the possibility to suffer even more. Just the tip of the iceberg, but it doesn't matter anyway because they were all events that caused immeasurable suffering.

I was somewhat "lucky" to be able to figure out that indoctrination is all nonsense despite it aggressively being pushed, but that isn't enough to compensate for the fact that there is always a possibility to suffer for no good reason. Existence will always remain a welfare risk no matter how much pain is mitigated or how much comfort is felt, so it still fucking sucks and I resent them so fucking much for it. I wish nothing had ever come into existence. But I would still rather continue to exist and prevent/eliminate/mitigate the suffering of others than to kill myself and not try at all.

 

[waverinthought]

Due to my culture, I feel a deep sense of obligation to my family, especially my parents. However, I personally look externally to develop deep personal connections that towards my parents because I don't believe in familial love. It's a huge point of guilt for me, because I put in everything into my family just as this part I have to play rather than with true love. Especially my mother, I have a very complicated relationship with her to the point where I play pretend with her to make my life easier. Is there such a thing as belittling others by playing the victim? I feel like that's the best way to describe how it is interacting with her in her bad moods. Just one example, anyway. I've always felt like a burden on my parents, and when I was 14 I realized that we can't both exist and be happy. Since she has three other kids to love her better than I can, I'm going to be the one to CTB first.

 

[delusionalgirl]

Short version: they aren't getting a note .