Discussion How do you feel about isolating yourself before ctb to hurt as few people as possible?

[uniqueusername4]

Whenever I am heavily contemplating catching the bus, I start to heavily isolate myself as much as possible so that people would be hurt less. I feel like this also just feeds the depression and makes it worse. When I start to get into recovery mode and am being social again, I start to feel guilty because I might ctb and hurt these people. Does anyone else feel that way? Do you have a way to deal with it?

 

[recat]

this issue plagued me for the last 4 years since I used to be on the fence about CTB. I was abusive to the people I loved most because i wanted them to hate me so they wouldnt miss me when Im gone, I wanted to get rid of the guilt, but then the desire had left and the person i loved most just left me even after years of no longer being abusive. I dont know why but i think it mustve been from before. now I am just full or fegret, and it has fed the depression and made it infinitely worse. now i am isolated, nearly entirely. I guess i got what i wanted. but I cant CTB just yet, and this makes it torture so much worse than i ever couldve imagined. i fucked up, and i damn near guaranteed my own death now. i couldve had all the love i ever wanted in life, but i lost it. now i have nothing left to life for.

 

[pompompurin]

Whenever I am heavily contemplating catching the bus, I start to heavily isolate myself as much as possible so that people would be hurt less. I feel like this also just feeds the depression and makes it worse. When I start to get into recovery mode and am being social again, I start to feel guilty because I might ctb and hurt these people. Does anyone else feel that way? Do you have a way to deal with it?

I do the same to be honest. By the end I want to cut everyone off if possible.

 

[uniqueusername4]

this issue plagued me for the last 4 years since I used to be on the fence about CTB. I was abusive to the people I loved most because i wanted them to hate me so they wouldnt miss me when Im gone, I wanted to get rid of the guilt, but then the desire had left and the person i loved most just left me even after years of no longer being abusive. I dont know why but i think it mustve been from before. now I am just full or fegret, and it has fed the depression and made it infinitely worse. now i am isolated, nearly entirely. I guess i got what i wanted. but I cant CTB just yet, and this makes it torture so much worse than i ever couldve imagined. i fucked up, and i damn near guaranteed my own death now. i couldve had all the love i ever wanted in life, but i lost it. now i have nothing left to life for.

wow I relate to this a lot. I was thinking about all the friendships and relationships that I've sabotaged and how full of love my life would be if I would've just let those people care about me.

 

[recat]

wow I relate to this a lot. I was thinking about all the friendships and relationships that I've sabotaged and how full of love my life would be if I would've just let those people care about me.

it fucking sucks man. all i want is just to be loved. to be valued. to be worth something. nothing in life hurts more than having loved to such an intimate level, and then to lose it all.

 

[indignity]

Whenever I am heavily contemplating catching the bus, I start to heavily isolate myself as much as possible so that people would be hurt less. I feel like this also just feeds the depression and makes it worse. When I start to get into recovery mode and am being social again, I start to feel guilty because I might ctb and hurt these people. Does anyone else feel that way? Do you have a way to deal with it?

Just don't tell anything... that way you won't hurt anyone.

 

[uniqueusername4]

Just don't tell anything... that way you won't hurt anyone.

What about when you die though?

 

[indignity]

What about when you die though?

if you don't want anyone to find you dead, I recommend to ctb inside a forest, or just very far away from people, in a remote isolated area. make it look like you suddenly went missing, with no clear intent. I know it seems suspicious, but people will forget eventually.

 

[lament.]

I have been doing the same recently, I still keep in close contact with my friends - but I haven't had a meaningful conversation with any family member in a while now. I'm going to see a lot of them soon and it just makes me feel so guilty.

 

[AshersGirl]

I have isolated myself from everyone with the exception of my mum.

I don't answer calls or messages. I don't post on social media. I only speak to my colleagues and shopkeepers.

It is partially about not wanting to hurt people but mostly about I just don't have the energy to brave face it anymore.

I want to be dead. I think part of me thinks isolating will help me achieve that. But also, isolating helps give me control / minimise exposure to triggers (BPD/PTSD/MDD).