Help How do you explain in suicide note?

[rj3542]

I would like to leave a note. My ex boyfriend will likely be the one to find me. He's been staying with me to be sure I'm ok. I broke up with him to try to protect him from the path I've been on, and I broke his heart. He wanted to talk about it and I couldn't because I didn't know how to say it's because I'm ready to go and I wanted it to hurt less for you.

I know he still loves me, but I'm clear I'm ready to go. Some friends tried hard to help me too, but no one can fix the several major problems in my life and neither can I.

I've tried a few times to write a letter to explain, and I don't think he'll ever understand. My CTB date is coming up because he'll be out of town for a few days and I'll be alone. I don't want to do it in a hotel because we have some pets and I need to make sure they'll be ok until he comes back. I also feel terrible about my pets, but when it's time to go, it's time to go. I've been struggling for 20 years and I don't have it in me anymore.

Is there anyway to make it easier on the people who love you?

 

[derpyderpins]

"To whoever is reading this, it's your fault. Sincerely, Derp."

JK. Sorry, I know this is a serious thread.

I think you tell him that you don't think he'll understand. Let honesty flow from you. Your mind doesn't work the same as people who are against CTB, so you hope he will try to understand that he can't understand. Let him know that you thought a lot about how to write this note because you want to minimize his pain, but ultimately you know there aren't perfect words because of the mental disconnect.

Another good thing, I think, is to make sure he knows that this was coming no matter what he did. Don't let him think it was his fault (assuming it's not) or that he could've done something to prevent it. The letter is for him, not for you, so I see no moral problem with fudging the truth. You've been struggling for 20 years. That's a fine line on its own. Maybe say that you would not have made it this long were it not for his positive impact on your life.

Maybe tell him how important it is to you that he move on after this. I don't know if either of you are spiritual or religious, but if he thinks you're watching him rooting for him to get past it that could help.

Also, it could help to make it clear that you've exhausted your options for recovery, or at least say that you've done your research and that this is not a snap descision. I'd even say "To make sure it wasn't a snap choice, I waited until a day when nothing in particular was wrong, when I could be calm and accept the choice with a clear head" or something like that.

Just a few ideas. I do think honesty from the heart is needed. It's your thoughts, they're your feelings, and it's your life. He's been a part of it.

 

[rj3542]

@derpyderpins thank you, there are some good ideas here and give me some comfort. I really hate hurting people. It's weird though also trying to talk to people who care about me who don't understand at all the desire to just be done with life. They just can't fathom it so I have to lie and pretend I have no interest in suicide and avoid conversation, so then I feel even worse for lying and ghosting. Why does it have to be so hard. With 8 billion people on the planet, can't we just move forward to letting people end their lives peacefully when they're ready and saving resources for others who have better lives ahead of them?

 

[derpyderpins]

@derpyderpins thank you, there are some good ideas here and give me some comfort. I really hate hurting people. It's weird though also trying to talk to people who care about me who don't understand at all the desire to just be done with life. They just can't fathom it so I have to lie and pretend I have no interest in suicide and avoid conversation, so then I feel even worse for lying and ghosting. Why does it have to be so hard. With 8 billion people on the planet, can't we just move forward to letting people end their lives peacefully when they're ready and saving resources for others who have better lives ahead of them?

It's very frustrating. That's why I appreciate this place. I need somewhere to talk to people who don't think it's insane that I consider whether life is worth it every day. The not being able to talk is huge, and I don't think people with a mainstream mindset understand how much not being able to talk about your feelings backs you into a corner, and as long as it's a possibility that you'll get locked up for talking about your thoughts people will be hesitant.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

It's very frustrating. That's why I appreciate this place. I need somewhere to talk to people who don't think it's insane that I consider whether life is worth it every day. The not being able to talk is huge, and I don't think people with a mainstream mindset understand how much not being able to talk about your feelings backs you into a corner, and as long as it's a possibility that you'll get locked up for talking about your thoughts people will be hesitant.

There are therapists who will allow you to say quite a bit of shit about not living without fear of a knock at the door and whatnot. That one therapist ended up with tears and hugged me "goodbye" because she knew of my plan but I spoke in a way that I had no plan so she technically couldn't do anything and she knew it. They're not supposed to cry but I've managed to make a handful do that lol. Ironically they mostly just laugh.
If you're even interested in that stuff anyway. You could just be more honest than you actually can be here believe it or not. Js

 

[pumpkins334234]

I would like to leave a note. My ex boyfriend will likely be the one to find me. He's been staying with me to be sure I'm ok. I broke up with him to try to protect him from the path I've been on, and I broke his heart. He wanted to talk about it and I couldn't because I didn't know how to say it's because I'm ready to go and I wanted it to hurt less for you.

I know he still loves me, but I'm clear I'm ready to go. Some friends tried hard to help me too, but no one can fix the several major problems in my life and neither can I.

I've tried a few times to write a letter to explain, and I don't think he'll ever understand. My CTB date is coming up because he'll be out of town for a few days and I'll be alone. I don't want to do it in a hotel because we have some pets and I need to make sure they'll be ok until he comes back. I also feel terrible about my pets, but when it's time to go, it's time to go. I've been struggling for 20 years and I don't have it in me anymore.

Is there anyway to make it easier on the people who love you?

I think one important part is him knowing that you've lived a full life and have done everything you want to do. Make sure to emphasise that this isn't a bad and hard thing, but you being able to genuinely end your pain and move on to something better. For me losing loved ones to suicides hurts less because I know that they are better off not suffering, and that has helped me a lot, so maybe try to frame it as a positive thing; the end of your struggle, peace and rest.

 

[derpyderpins]

There are therapists who will allow you to say quite a bit of shit about not living without fear of a knock at the door and whatnot. That one therapist ended up with tears and hugged me "goodbye" because she knew of my plan but I spoke in a way that I had no plan so she technically couldn't do anything and she knew it. They're not supposed to cry but I've managed to make a handful do that lol. Ironically they mostly just laugh.
If you're even interested in that stuff anyway. You could just be more honest than you actually can be here believe it or not. Js

I've never gotten that open with my therapist. I tell her I've been suicidal in the past and may say that the ideation has returned but I would never tell her I have guns in the house. They all set their own standard, frankly, and you can never be sure if one is (unintentional pun) trigger happy. I also never really open up about sexual stuff. It's very surface level... I need anonymity, I think.

 

[rj3542]

In the US, I believe therapists are legally required to report if they think someone is suicidal,so it's possible this therapist is very unusual or maybe didn't understand the extent of the suicidally.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

I've never gotten that open with my therapist. I tell her I've been suicidal in the past and may say that the ideation has returned but I would never tell her I have guns in the house. They all set their own standard, frankly, and you can never be sure if one is (unintentional pun) trigger happy. I also never really open up about sexual stuff. It's very surface level... I need anonymity, I think.

I think I was "dumping" her as well; or else we'd just go in circles and I went a little further to escape the monotony and she asked what was I going to do?

Well I'm glad you never mentioned the guns because they do frown upon that... You know, I never say this, because I don't use for the "evil" but I do think I can be manipulative when I want to be so I think I'm able to navigate further and know how much I can say with each one. I'm just trying to be as open as I can without telling the utnost truth lol I have gone very deep, but never sexually. That just seems like a NO. I'm okay there... so it's never been brought up lol, until now They're often speechless, which is annoying so I continue to talk so they don't feel stupid. I'm a silence-filler. I need to stop that though. I've worked on it. I'm still trying to figure out what you need "anonymity" from

 

[derpyderpins]

I'm still trying to figure out what you need "anonymity" from

I'm still trying to figure out why it's such a mystery to you

I don't think I have any big secret, but obviously people think I'm hiding or concealing something. Maybe the way I type just makes people think there's some underlying meaning that's not there. I'm very cautious when it comes to privacy and have a hard time sharing uncomfortable stuff. Anonymity is a shield. I can give people the whole ugly truth with it. I don't think I've denied anyone on here any details about anything if they've asked lol.