Discussion How do you deal with still being here?

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

*Trigger warning - Cutting*

Hello!

How do you personally deal with still being alive? I'm interested in hearing your stories.

I personally wasn't intending to still be here this time of the year so it's rather frustrating! Especially since Lockdown happened so family constantly at home!

I cope by using opiates, alcohol, sleep and self harm. It feels like the only way to escape this world.

So if I'm asleep then I am not aware of my presence and time goes by without me having to be conscious for it.

Drugs and alcohol makes everything seem calm and everything is jolly, also puts me in a deep sleep!

Then self harm, I have been doing it for 7/8 years and my main way is through cutting. I have to do a specific amount of cuts to feel in control or to punish myself. I also cut words into my arms. It's really hard during the summer because I have to wear long sleeves all the time. My therapist has seen them as I have to make a promise with her that they are clean and she requests photos and I have also received medical care for them. Not many people understand self harm though as they think it's for attention when in reality I hide everything.

Just sucks being here when I had no intention to but lack of resources and privacy stopped me being able to not be here. I've had one partial hanging attempt this year which failed miserably!

 

[Final Escape]

Next week this guy is supposed to get more antiemetics for me so if that comes through im absolutely going to do this. I can't tolerate my awful existence. Wish I had gone much sooner.

 

[dysfunctional]

Sleeping as much as possible and drinking alot.

 

[Nipuedoniquiero]

Not leaving the house as much as I wanted to, I want to but I feel anxious with my dissociation problems. I hate having neighbors , it makes me sick. I have been like a month and a half in the house and I feel guilty about it for what my neighbours think of it. I give a bad impression cause because of my bpd and anxiety I have this anger outbursts and I scream and hit stuff. I feel like crap after, cause my mother sometimes irritates me and I don't seem to control myself when I have one of those episodes. I'm not a bad person , I just have so many stuff going on my life. I suffer from melasma and hirsutism and have always been an outcast from society. Im so tired of all the mental stuff I have been put through because other's fault and mine. I have to kill myself.
I would love to feel normal like ten years ago but I don't think I'll ever be in this lifetime again.

 

[clocktower]

i don't.

 

[AlreadyGone]

I don't cope. I struggle every day and I hate having to wake up. I am working on acquiring N so I can get out of here.

 

[Zappfe lover]

I try to run away from the pain, but my family makes it really hard.

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

Not well. I get panic attacks and just walk all over the house reading ss wondering how can i ctb.

 

[NomadicWolf382]

Sleeping as much as possible, drinking, and lots of weed

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

*Trigger warning - Cutting*

Hello!

How do you personally deal with still being alive? I'm interested in hearing your stories.

I personally wasn't intending to still be here this time of the year so it's rather frustrating! Especially since Lockdown happened so family constantly at home!

I cope by using opiates, alcohol, sleep and self harm. It feels like the only way to escape this world.

So if I'm asleep then I am not aware of my presence and time goes by without me having to be conscious for it.

Drugs and alcohol makes everything seem calm and everything is jolly, also puts me in a deep sleep!

Then self harm, I have been doing it for 7/8 years and my main way is through cutting. I have to do a specific amount of cuts to feel in control or to punish myself. I also cut words into my arms. It's really hard during the summer because I have to wear long sleeves all the time. My therapist has seen them as I have to make a promise with her that they are clean and she requests photos and I have also received medical care for them. Not many people understand self harm though as they think it's for attention when in reality I hide everything.

Just sucks being here when I had no intention to but lack of resources and privacy stopped me being able to not be here. I've had one partial hanging attempt this year which failed miserably!

I know how you feel. From like 23-28 I constantly was going to the emergency room and getting stitches on a weekly basis. Sometimes over 300 at a time. It is a disease that took over me

 

[FriendofDeath]

I have been in survival mode since losing my son. I self isolated and lost most of my friends (or were they friends?). Physically, my body is slowly fighting itself. Hoping it kicks up, though I'd really like to get some things cleaned up before the final sleep. Doing craft stuff helped me a lot for a time, and watching movies. But I've gotten away from that. I'm up all night and sleep most of the day. Have cats to take care of. Play online game. I wish I could drink! Seems after having my son I'm almost allergic to it. Would love to use that as a tool!

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

One word: MUSIC

 

[TheRaul95]

Pretty much prisoner of the body...

 

[InterstateFlowers]

The more I think about it, the more pathetic I seem to be. Gosh, the only way I deal with being here is for my family's sake and anime, I guess? It's so stupid but I really have nothing else to live for. It'll traumatize my family and I'm being really selfish but suicide is my main goal right now. So to catch the time I'm watching anime, seiyuu radio's, and studying to the point of mental breakdown. It sucks. Laughing helps a lot though and spending time with my sister. I used to cut too but it made my parents cry so I stopped. Can't imagine doing weed or drinking, it's personally not my thing and I don't have the money for it anyways. I'm sorry your partial hanging attempt failed, I wish you the peace you deserve. :)

 

[TAW122]

I don't really cope well... but honestly I just play video games and watch YT videos and what not, while going through the motions in life (as to not raise red flags and draw suspicions), such as keeping an appearance, being productive, having a goal (like normal everyday people). It sucks always having to hide my sadness though, but I try because I know someday I will CTB and don't want to risk intervention.

 

[mediocre]

I sleep most of the time.

 

[SuiSqueeze92]

Putting one foot in front of the other.

 

[I screwed up]

I struggle thru the day.... Try sleeping as much as I can to avoid facing the day. Since I live with parents cannot cry or show depression on my face .... Difficult to ctb as I m never alone at home. Really in a very bad place ...

 

[Raminiki]

Distraction, distraction, distraction. When I'm really bad, I drown myself in TV series and games. I put myself to sleep with medication because I become insomniac. If I'm a bit more stable, I try to look after myself as best I can, knowing that helping to stay healthy will give me a measure of resilience against the pain.

I've done exercise and yoga. I hike and cycle and walk for miles. I ride my motorbike. I garden and grow food. I cook and bake healthy vegan recipes. I take holidays abroad. I sit out in sunshine to get vitamin D to help with mood. I clean my home and organise it to reduce stress. I watch birds at my feeder. I visit the few friends and family I have. I read, write and if I'm super good, my creativity comes back and I draw and craft. I find community groups or voluntary work to involve myself in. I communicate with docs and psychiatry about treatments.

Alas, when it's bad I'm incapable of all that. I try to avoid anything I know will damage me as it will only make things worse in the long run. But I try to sleep all day, cry myself sick and stay shut in avoiding everyone and barely moving from bed or eating.

I've survived two decades of suicidality in this manner. I hope you can consider some of the options above to help you. Please be well. We care.

 

[ERASED]

I never can cope with being alive. I'm sad all the time. I just can't switch it off. It's this world that makes it hard for me to be happy. I just want to be ERASED.

 

[Zappfe lover]

Not well. I get panic attacks and just walk all over the house reading ss wondering how can i ctb.

Hope you get better ):

 

[Close_to_freedom]

Completing my bucket list that will lose all meaning once I cease to exist.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Uh... I have a running commentary in my head. When something happens, I try to make a comment about it in a stupid accent. Sometimes it's funny, other times it's kinda cringy. Meh...

 

[SpottedPanda]

I don't have many responsibilities in life, so I mainly binge on YouTube videos, watch anime, smoke, eat once a day, and browse social media. Just feels like I'm waiting around, to be fair.

 

[Jumper Geo]

Can't work anymore so I do the following,
Smoke
Drink Tea and Coffee
Surf the Net
Watching SS
Watch crap TV and Netflix and Prime
YouTube Video's
Online Newspapers
Drink more Tea and Coffee and Smoke
Stella Artois and Smoke a lot.
Sleeping

Consider if it's worth traveling to South America to see if I can get N to CTB.

Cheers

Geo

 

[sourcreamonion]

I honestly don't know. I disassociate throughout the day, but I still manage to follow my daily routine to the 'T' and I guess that is what grounds me for that day, if something disrupts my daily pattern it feels like the world is ending. A "fake it 'till you make it" type of lifestyle.

 

[Chalken]

I've been on this site for almost two years. Been suicidal longer than that. I just live day by day, as much as I hate waking up. I don't want to hurt my family and that's what's still keeping me here. Nowadays my days are spent lying in bed, listening to music and brainless surfing through the internet. I have to force myself to do things like play video games or read books.

 

[Meena]

Distraction, distraction, distraction. When I'm really bad, I drown myself in TV series and games. I put myself to sleep with medication because I become insomniac. If I'm a bit more stable, I try to look after myself as best I can, knowing that helping to stay healthy will give me a measure of resilience against the pain.

I've done exercise and yoga. I hike and cycle and walk for miles. I ride my motorbike. I garden and grow food. I cook and bake healthy vegan recipes. I take holidays abroad. I sit out in sunshine to get vitamin D to help with mood. I clean my home and organise it to reduce stress. I watch birds at my feeder. I visit the few friends and family I have. I read, write and if I'm super good, my creativity comes back and I draw and craft. I find community groups or voluntary work to involve myself in. I communicate with docs and psychiatry about treatments.

Alas, when it's bad I'm incapable of all that. I try to avoid anything I know will damage me as it will only make things worse in the long run. But I try to sleep all day, cry myself sick and stay shut in avoiding everyone and barely moving from bed or eating.

I've survived two decades of suicidality in this manner. I hope you can consider some of the options above to help you. Please be well. We care.

I am realy impressed. How do you find the strength to do all this. You must be a resilient person and a fighter. I barely can take care of myself and my hygiene.
I take xanax mixed with sleeping pills and sleep to forget all my issues.
Food makes me calm and gives me a short relief.

In the other hand i have experienced so much problems and suffering in my life i am surprised i am still alive.

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

Not well. I get panic attacks and just walk all over the house reading ss wondering how can i ctb.

On top of previously stated, i started mixing overdoses of all kinds of meds, vitamins and whatever ingestible i find with alcohol, as a form of Russian roulette. I would try the game with a fully loaded gun but someone chose to hide it. Will see how it goes.

Best of luck to you all

 

[Saed]

Not coping on any level,tbh.
My flat has looked like a landfill site for months.
I better not go into other details cos,well,it'd be gross.
I'm totally devoid of any inclination to co-operate or facilitate my existence anymore.
Waiting on the meto,the final piece of the jigsaw is having a similar effect to Chinese water torture.
Somehow,I need to muster the capability to lay out everything required for SN,in a methodical fashion and be attentive.
I question my own competance to even do that,at this point.