I despise myself. I am paranoid. And I am in so much pain. (edit: because some people might perceived me as dumb one of them is my former crush) The clinic wants me to take a bus earlier which is so bad for my mental health. I despise myself for wanting to be seen as super smart. While I am just a shallow fraud. I was so stupid at my self-help group. My former crush must think I am stupid as fuck. But I told them people I am very unstable currently. They know I suffered from psychosis and that I am currently paranoid. Maybe I did not sound as stupid as I fear. It is probably overthinking. I hope so. She has a longterm boyfriend anyway.
In the bus I talked with the e-girl from the clinic. I just found out she is also a student at my university. She only speaks English. Usually my English is pretty good. But recently I am so anxious that I am just a complete fuck up. She was surprised that I am a student. I assume because my English was so bad the last time we talked. But today I was way better. We had a pretty good conversation. She is Asian and is always on her phone. This is why I call her e-girl. There is also another Asian woman in the clinic and in my mind I consider them to be very suicidal which is just a stupid stereotype. I asked the e-girl why she actually is in a clinic and which mental illness she has. She told me she has none but that she was tired and that's the reason she is there. I could not fully believe that. The clinic I am in is conceptualized for emergency cases. I cannot believe she was just tired and that's it. Maybe that's paranoid maybe she meant she was tired of life (?) and wanted to allude to that.
We had a pretty good talk. We agreed psychiatrists are pill-pushers, that the clinic is not that helpful, that's funny how much money the German insurances pay for our mental health. I joked about that how useless this is in my case. And that they should give the half amount of it to me as a direct check instead. An old dude in the bus gave me a pretty evil look when I explained that.
The e-girl looks pretty good. However, I am quite sure she is not interested in me. We had some similar takes on the psychiatry and money. I will fuck it up anyway. But I am surprised that she is well educated. The first time I wanted to speak with her about China she responded she is not interested in such things. I saw her scrolling through social media literally all the time. Even during lunch. I wish I could find a gf but my paranoid mind always ruins it.
So here is my coping skill to cope with extreme self-loathing. I post a summy of my day in this forum. The day most often consists of different forms of severe psychological torture. And then I am fantasizing in my head how relieving it would be to off myself. However, after the vent the pressure to actually go through with it is less.
In the bus I talked with the e-girl from the clinic. I just found out she is also a student at my university. She only speaks English. Usually my English is pretty good. But recently I am so anxious that I am just a complete fuck up. She was surprised that I am a student. I assume because my English was so bad the last time we talked. But today I was way better. We had a pretty good conversation. She is Asian and is always on her phone. This is why I call her e-girl. There is also another Asian woman in the clinic and in my mind I consider them to be very suicidal which is just a stupid stereotype. I asked the e-girl why she actually is in a clinic and which mental illness she has. She told me she has none but that she was tired and that's the reason she is there. I could not fully believe that. The clinic I am in is conceptualized for emergency cases. I cannot believe she was just tired and that's it. Maybe that's paranoid maybe she meant she was tired of life (?) and wanted to allude to that.
We had a pretty good talk. We agreed psychiatrists are pill-pushers, that the clinic is not that helpful, that's funny how much money the German insurances pay for our mental health. I joked about that how useless this is in my case. And that they should give the half amount of it to me as a direct check instead. An old dude in the bus gave me a pretty evil look when I explained that.
The e-girl looks pretty good. However, I am quite sure she is not interested in me. We had some similar takes on the psychiatry and money. I will fuck it up anyway. But I am surprised that she is well educated. The first time I wanted to speak with her about China she responded she is not interested in such things. I saw her scrolling through social media literally all the time. Even during lunch. I wish I could find a gf but my paranoid mind always ruins it.
So here is my coping skill to cope with extreme self-loathing. I post a summy of my day in this forum. The day most often consists of different forms of severe psychological torture. And then I am fantasizing in my head how relieving it would be to off myself. However, after the vent the pressure to actually go through with it is less.
