How do you cope in the exam season? It is agonizing for me....

[noname223]

In Germany the exam season is different to the one in the US. I once read that maybe it not true. Usually there are exams only at the end of the semester. I am in that time of the year. And I just cannot stomach it anymore.

I would like to take addictive medication. But they fucked me up so fucking hard the last semester. In the holidays I had extreme withdrawal symptoms it was hell on earth. I don't know how I shall stomach all of that. I barely can sleep. I am becoming very very depressed. I eat shit. My hunger vanished some months ago and I lost weight. It is back now but this torment is very intense. All the other students don't seem to give a fuck about grades and just laugh when they fail an exam. I torture myself over a 2 plus which I received recently. I am so fucking disappointed about myself and hate myself for it. But I also know that I have to get over it pretty quickly. I have an extremely difficult exam soon. It is so so fucking much content that I have to memorize. I could cry, I could puke, I could kill myself. I just don't want to experience that anymore. Other people might procrastinate I would never do that. I suffer from extreme perfectionism. I despise myself and torture myself over mediocre grades. I could study without a break it is so much to learn by heart that it is impossible to reach a halfway decent grade. If it was possible for my health I would study 24/7 without breaks. But past experiences have shown me that might be counterproductive. Actually I am not that suicidal currently. The pressure of the exams is way too overwhelming. I have to focus myself on the exams. I don't have the resources to plan my suicide. Do I want to die? Hell yeah. I would be so so fucking grateful to die in my sleep. Honestly this would be the best thing that ever happened in my life. And I mean this serious.

I am scared to break. I am scared to become manic or to get a psychosis again. The mental pain is overwhelming. I once got the perfect grade as the sole student in a course with several houndred students and it does not mean much to me. I have the imposter syndrom and don't deserve any good grades anyway. I only study part-time I am a shallow fraud. The pain is very real. It hurt so so fucking bad. But nothing in comparison to the extreme psychosomatic pain I felt after my mental breakdowns. I am never happy. Never. Please let me die. I don't want to experience that anymore. The pressure is crushing me. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my new psychiatrist I have to tell my sad, pathetic and tragic story. That I never was in a relationship, that I am a loser, that I was abused as a child. But I certainly won't tell the truth about my suicidality. Two therapists gave me up in the past because of that. The atmosphere when I opened up about it became often hostile and the professionals were overburdened by my persisting suicidal thoughts.

 

[Celerity]

The other students who seem not to give a fuck are undoubtedly faking. They're doing it because they are too immature to appear vulnerable.

As for the larger issue of perfectionism you struggle with, I do not have a practicable solution for you, unfortunately. It took me years to get over it and only after I realized I had succeeded at something that didn't matter. I wish I could impart to you what finally clicked for me. At some point, I hope you can finally solve the conundrum of why achievement is required for you to have any value in your eyes while other people can get it for free.

As for what you can do in the here and now, you already know those (stimulant?) medications are not worth it. Even setting aside your physical and mental health, it also sounds like they have the strong potential to catapult you into a state where you will be unable to be productive at all. What is a set of good grades against the huge risk of failing out next semester?

With how you're talking right now, I would even suggest taking time off from school. It is what I should have done when I felt similarly to how you feel now. That being said, did I listen to any of the several people who said the same? No, and the results were disastrous. Do better than I did and please consider taking a breather. School will be there for you when you return.

 

[noname223]

The other students who seem not to give a fuck are undoubtedly faking. They're doing it because they are too immature to appear vulnerable.

As for the larger issue of perfectionism you struggle with, I do not have a practicable solution for you, unfortunately. It took me years to get over it and only after I realized I had succeeded at something that didn't matter. I wish I could impart to you what finally clicked for me. At some point, I hope you can finally solve the conundrum of why achievement is required for you to have any value in your eyes while other people can get it for free.

As for what you can do in the here and now, you already know those (stimulant?) medications are not worth it. Even setting aside your physical and mental health, it also sounds like they have the strong potential to catapult you into a state where you will be unable to be productive at all. What is a set of good grades against the huge risk of failing out next semester?

With how you're talking right now, I would even suggest taking time off from school. It is what I should have done when I felt similarly to how you feel now. That being said, did I listen to any of the several people who said the same? No, and the results were disastrous. Do better than I did and please consider taking a breather. School will be there for you when you return.

Thanks for your reply. My medication are no stimulants rather sedatives. I fear even if I took a break my stability would not get better when I return to college. I am way too ill for college. It triggers me very strongly. In a society that made sense I would not have to participate in it. However welfare is not enough money to survive...and everything else failed...

 

[Celerity]

Thanks for your reply. My medication are no stimulants rather sedatives. I fear even if I took a break my stability would not get better when I return to college. I am way too ill for college. It triggers me very strongly. In a society that made sense I would not have to participate in it. However welfare is not enough money to survive...and everything else failed...

How much longer do you have to go until you can get a job? What were your other plans that failed?

 

[noname223]

How much longer do you have to go until you can get a job? What were your other plans that failed?

3 years due to the fact I only study part-time. I started two traineeship but was fired because my depression got progressively worse. And I was just too depressed in order to function. Yeah the situation is very hopeless.

 

[Celerity]

3 years due to the fact I only study part-time. I started two traineeship but was fired because my depression got progressively worse. And I was just too depressed in order to function. Yeah the situation is very hopeless.

Why do you think your depression got worse then? What kind of jobs were these? I am sorry to ask you all these relentless questions, just trying to understand the situation better. It's really more than a little fucked up, but once I adjusted, I found my shitty retail job to be far better than all my past jobs in the office and in academia. Do you think that a high-pressure environment may have contributed?

 

[noname223]

Why do you think your depression got worse then? What kind of jobs were these? I am sorry to ask you all these relentless questions, just trying to understand the situation better. It's really more than a little fucked up, but once I adjusted, I found my shitty retail job to be far better than all my past jobs in the office and in academia. Do you think that a high-pressure environment may have contributed?

It was an average office job. I hated the job. I think I need different cognitive stimulation. So a job after college might be better. I got extremely depressed so that I barely could sleep during that time period. I think most people would have quitted after 3 days. I endured it 3 months before I was fired. The crippling depression made me a mess.

However I am also pretty convinced any average job is too much for me. So college seems to be useless too. I do it mostly for my family and in order to remain the illusion of hope.

The environment was not the problem. The problem is my destroyed nervous system.

 

[albert_camus]

Studiertst du an einer Universität bzw. Fachhochschule oder gehst du zur Schule? Da ist der Unterschied ja schon mal ziemlich hoch. Ich weiß auch nicht ganz inwiefern sich die deutschen Universitäten von denen in Österreich unterscheiden. Je nachdem wie das bei dir abläuft, könnte ich dir zumindest schreiben, wie ich es handhabe.

 

[noname223]

Studiertst du an einer Universität bzw. Fachhochschule oder gehst du zur Schule? Da ist der Unterschied ja schon mal ziemlich hoch. Ich weiß auch nicht ganz inwiefern sich die deutschen Universitäten von denen in Österreich unterscheiden. Je nachdem wie das bei dir abläuft, könnte ich dir zumindest schreiben, wie ich es handhabe.

I am rather reluctant to post this in public.
Öffentlich schreibe ich das eher ungern.

 

[noname223]

I am dying. I am literally dying. I get so fucking depressed I barely can cope with this shit anymore. The pain is so intense and overwhelming. Just wishing to die simply is not enough. One day I have to do it by my own but I will have fought with all I had.

Lil Peep's music helps I am listening to Crying at this moment. "Facetime Horse Head, tell him that I am dyin' Even though I'm lyin'. I might not be lyin'"