How do you all manage leading a "double-life"

[random_user]

I'm wondering how the part of you that does live a "double life" manages to do so?

In my case, on paper and in my daily life I'm a talented and successful person who has a decent job and his life in order, at least I'm pretty sure that's what it seems like to most people in my life. On my inside however I hate having to exist each and every day with every fibre of my being. It's been a few years now that I've been living like this and it's getting harder and harder. How are you guys managing to do this?

 

[LifeIsCrazyNemb]

I'm wondering how the part of you that does live a "double life" manages to do so?

In my case, on paper and in my daily life I'm a talented and successful person who has a decent job and his life in order, at least I'm pretty sure that's what it seems like to most people in my life. On my inside however I hate having to exist each and every day with every fibre of my being. It's been a few years now that I've been living like this and it's getting harder and harder. How are you guys managing to do this?

I can relate, i had the same profile of yours. But slowly my life colapsed. Little by little things started to fall apart. Even with therapies, medication, fancy retreats, diet, exercises, etc things simply gets harder and harder, untill everything starts to collapse

 

[random_user]

I can relate, i had the same profile of yours. But slowly my life colapsed. Little by little things started to fall apart. Even with therapies, medication, fancy retreats, diet, exercises, etc things simply gets harder and harder, untill everything starts to collapse

Thank you for your comment. It really sounds like my life described and summarized. At least I know I'm not the only one in this situation I guess

 

[LifeIsCrazyNemb]

Thank you for your comment. It really sounds like my life described and summarized. At least I know I'm not the only one in this situation I guess

Hey. Surely there are many cases of "sucess". Mine is just a failure story. Hope you can find a way to make things easier for you. Good luck!

 

[random_user]

Hey. Surely there are many cases of "sucess". Mine is just a failure story. Hope you can find a way to make things easier for you. Good luck!

Thanks a lot, wishing you the best too! :)

 

[R_N]

When I did, it was exhausting and I needed a lot of time for myself to recharge. But it stopped working ocasionally and one time I attempted ctb before work.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I stopped living a double life a while ago. I am very matter of fact about wanting to CTB. I talk about about it rather freely now to everyone in my life and have no shame telling people I could disappear any day now. I've come to the realization that there's nothing wrong or taboo with wanting to leave this exponentially-declining, shit-infested world. It should be normalized, legalized and made easily accessible. Let the happy people enjoy their world. Why should we have to stay rounfto ruin it?

 

[Ligottian]

I understand you. But I have no answer to your question. As for me, no one will ever mistake me for a shiny happy person.

 

[InAgony]

My life is anything but a success story and doesn't look like one to the outside world, however I still have to put on a front to people as if everything were okay. Its painful. You just live in pain all the time. Draining too. I can't say I've got any solution for you, but maybe it would be a relief to be honest with people about how you feel. Might backfire though.

 

[falling_snow]

i do it as i was in a drama, like an actor. i think of the lines of my character and then i say them. the lines are usually those that people find pleasing or give a nice reaction, a smile, a laugh, or anything like that. with time the lines just come out naturally.

also be careful with "breaking character", people react horribly with that

 

[bcl001]

Because it's all I know how to do and all I've ever known. I think it's purely habit. Like you, on paper my life is great. Successful, fit, healthy, hobbies, maintains social relationships, etc, etc. I'm generally a very functional human.

Sometimes I even trick myself into feeling like I am normal and happy. But there are two things that always return me to reality:

1) Asking myself if I had CTB'd a decade ago would I regret it? The answer has never been yes.

2) When I get sad thinking about my upcoming CTB plans realising that I am sad for those who will be left behind, not for any future I may have.

 

[Jarring]

Ig putting on a mask?
It becomes habit and although ive wanted to speak to someone about my feelings ive lost the trust in people i used to have.
So you learn to automatically create a persona in which society wont hurt you more

 

[Ovid]

I relate. The lives you live start to bleed into each other and you start to care about all of them less, until you just don't care how any of the lives you lead end up.

 

[dragonofenvy]

It was habitual for me. People don't like it when you're not a good person. People judge you if you're not 100% successful. So I simply pretended everything was okay for everyone else, when in reality things have never been okay once in my life. It's easy for me to stay silent about it and present the front since that's all I've ever known.

Eventually, it led to a downward spiral and eventually, I was on the verge of ctbing before and after my work shifts. Soon I stopped pretending to be happy and that everything was ok. Oddly enough, nobody seemed to notice.

 

[cursedbynature64]

I'm personally very clear and open about the fact that I'm severely depressed and hate myself and my life. But I'm careful to hide any suicidal desires, and I say that I'm not having any such thoughts whenever I'm asked.

I'm faking any tone I use by default anyway (because of autism), so it's not hard to fake "completely opposed to doing that, I would never"

 

[Proxycake]

I act formal all day when I work. It's horrible, it's exhausting, but it's starting to convince me that that's just who I am. It wipes away the feeling that I was ever not okay

 

[SVEN]

I just keep faking it and putting one foot in front of the other.

 

[onbekend]

Firstly, I apologize if there's any typos or general writing mistakes in here, I'm extremely tired as I write this for a few different unrelated reasonings.

In my case I think that my family is slowly starting to realize that any attempt I make at making my life better is an act to satisfy their demands and get them away from me,
who have consistently bothered me about improving my life in the past. They think that I'm depressed because I don't have anything to do in my life.

Considering that they only just now realized, I don't think it's too late to convince them otherwise as they still don't know about my desire to CTB, but they are becoming aware of my depression.

I think I am going to experiment. What I am gonna do is not "overdo" it, If I put on too much of a character to convince them that I am not depressed and not planning to CTB I feel as if they'll see straight through me because I'm making it too obvious, as I believe they have now. I don't know if I could consider this as advice as I don't have a ton of experience with trying not to overdo my act, but I think that it will help.

 

[Meteora]

That's a very good question.... guess for many there is just no other option. It s very exhausting and therefore causes even more depressions.

 

[DeletedAccount0864]

As others have said, it takes a lot of energy. I manage by knowing that things would be even worse for me if I exposed myself as being the way I am.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I tell myself: 'You can't kill yourself while your Dad is still alive and, you need to do the best you can to be financially independent and not reveal just how bad things are in terms of ideation.'

Beyond that, there are certain things I've done/ do to try and make things easier on myself. My unrealistic ambitions in life have largely gone. While it means I have less incentive to live, it means I also don't have that constant anxiety of- how am I going to achieve my goals? And, that constant feeling of failure that I haven't achieved them. It's been so nice to shed myself of that crap!

Plus- the promise of an early death at some point is reassuring to me. I don't want to have to worry about not having enough of a pension or, being ill and helpless alone. I like the idea that I don't need to worry about all that. I just need to concentrate on treading water reluctantly now but- that's basically it for me. Just about treading water and enjoying the feeling that I'm in part, free of the things that used to eat me up with worry when I was younger.

Of course, I'm still struggling. I've become so lethargic recently. Things are beginning to look much healthier for me in terms of freelance work. Which, at one time would have made me over the moon. Now, I just feel varying levels of reluctance about everything. Again though, I suppose I tell myself ultimately that I can't fail. If I keep on procrastinating now, it's going to make things so much worse in future. I suppose as well though- it confirms to me that I am ready to go when the time comes. That has to be a good thing. I want to feel sure about my decision.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

I tell myself: 'You can't kill yourself while your Dad is still alive and, you need to do the best you can to be financially independent and not reveal just how bad things are in terms of ideation.'

Beyond that, there are certain things I've done/ do to try and make things easier on myself. My unrealistic ambitions in life have largely gone. While it means I have less incentive to live, it means I also don't have that constant anxiety of- how am I going to achieve my goals? And, that constant feeling of failure that I haven't achieved them. It's been so nice to shed myself of that crap!

Plus- the promise of an early death at some point is reassuring to me. I don't want to have to worry about not having enough of a pension or, being ill and helpless alone. I like the idea that I don't need to worry about all that. I just need to concentrate on treading water reluctantly now but- that's basically it for me. Just about treading water and enjoying the feeling that I'm in part, free of the things that used to eat me up with worry when I was younger.

Of course, I'm still struggling. I've become so lethargic recently. Things are beginning to look much healthier for me in terms of freelance work. Which, at one time would have made me over the moon. Now, I just feel varying levels of reluctance about everything. Again though, I suppose I tell myself ultimately that I can't fail. If I keep on procrastinating now, it's going to make things so much worse in future. I suppose as well though- it confirms to me that I am ready to go when the time comes. That has to be a good thing. I want to feel sure about my decision.

Same, I have given up in some respects. But at the same time I tell myself that I still need to maintain certain standards, because even if my destiny is ctb I still need to be in control of how everything pans out. That's probably a strange mentality for some people, I imagine. Because everyone's personality is different. The "I can't fail" here... that's definitely something that goes through my head quite a bit.

 

[Shrike]

Beyond that, there are certain things I've done/ do to try and make things easier on myself. My unrealistic ambitions in life have largely gone. While it means I have less incentive to live, it means I also don't have that constant anxiety of- how am I going to achieve my goals? And, that constant feeling of failure that I haven't achieved them. It's been so nice to shed myself of that crap!

Plus- the promise of an early death at some point is reassuring to me. I don't want to have to worry about not having enough of a pension or, being ill and helpless alone. I like the idea that I don't need to worry about all that. I just need to concentrate on treading water reluctantly now but- that's basically it for me. Just about treading water and enjoying the feeling that I'm in part, free of the things that used to eat me up with worry when I was younger.

I'm very much this way. I no longer have any achievement goals as I know they simply won't happen. So that anxiety of not doing enough or missing out or what not is finally gone. It does reduce incentive to live. There isn't really much to look forward to, it's all gray.

Just being for the sake of being for the time, a coffee here a movie there. Jobs are sadly tough for me to tolerate, though.

 

[random_user]

Wow, I didn't expect so many replies. Thanks for all of your two cents on the matter. It's strangely comforting to read that a lot of people are in a similar situation as myself. I wish you all the best!