No don't apologize, it completely gets to be too much. I am working on it but still pretty bitter. I supported us the first half of our relationship. I was lucky and working my dream job so I didn't mind while he tried to "find himself' as I moved up I began to travel and that's when things went to shit and he began to cheat. Once I got sick and had to let go of my work, he did step up but unbeknownst to me was having affairs. I lost big time in the divorce and I can't work so I am pretty much in the same situation. I can't decide which is worse, having my dream career and being successful then losing it, or working a job I could tolerate and then not missing it when I could no longer do it. I've gotten better, but I so miss the person I used to be. What are your thoughts?
Thank you for the info on the charities. I began to get a feel they were rigged, so like you recommended, I try and only do the small ones where I know the money will benefit the animals. I volunteered for a rescue and except for making me so sad that I could not take in every animal, it made me feel good to give back. I think a large animal sanctuary would be awesome to work at.
I too do not do much during the days and I used to be the kind of person who every minute was scheduled. So I struggle very much at times.
Yes, invisible illnesses are so hard because people tell you "but you don't look sick" all of the time. If they only were inside our bodies to understand what we fight with everyday to keep going. MS can be really rough. The symptoms can be very scary. I am sorry you have to deal with this. Me too, I was doing OK with my original symptoms of my autoimmune disease, but I started having other issues and it became too much. Like you, I will only get worse as time goes on and it scares me. Has living your dream helped at all? May I ask why you don't think it will be enough? Too many health issues? On my good days it can get difficult because I start to get excited thinking maybe I can do this or that and have a future and then reality comes screaming back and hits me in the face.
With my situation there was no cheating none of that. But her marketing stuff started to gain traction whereas my business started to falter. I don't think it made any difference as the backup was always my parents house but just trying to get by and getting fucked each time just destroys you inside. I hate the condescending tone of people who say "look I did it and it only took me 3 tries" and all this nonsense but you look at their past and you see what's going on - very sociable personality (this is caveat because this can involve deception), parents had connections, money so start is ok, etc.
I've gotten worse. I stopped golf completely - don't have the money and the goal of it there is no point - tried the coaching route but people are so fucking fickle even when you give them a free lesson and they thank you but then don't want to continue. I just don't get it. Lost a lot of weight from last year to now but I don't care anymore. I won't have a "place" of my own, I won't be able to have a companion because of money, I can't get diagnosed because of money. Couldn't get a job UK or Spain (job markets are both fucked - even with my IQ and applying for a data input job - yes, clicking buttons to input data). One day 4th quarter of last year I lost it and applied for about 150+ jobs in one day - I just clicked apply apply apply apply apply - result? lol . Don't even need to say.
Obviously the masking and people pleasing stuff is autism/trauma but I was very giving of time to people who I THOUGHT were ok but I can't read people well unfortunately. Now im basically a piece of shit and don't want to interact with anyone. I refilled the bird feeders today and one of the smaller birds was on the fence very close to me - he or she now recognises I provide the food and I am not a threat.
Below 15 years old and getting robbed at knife point as well does a number on your brain and pattern cognition. It's why when I got a car I refused to even have a sip of alcohol and drove everywhere (because of security). I think that's more a trauma response.
The UK mainly have small deers, geese, parakeets, horses, donkeys, goats, owls, jays, etc. A lot easier to maintian.
The Spain one did have larger animals - big cats - tigers and lions (rescued from circuses and people who shouldn't have had them). I'm a bit on the fence about it because at least now they have food and shelter and human interaction but the space isn't exactly large. But the core problem was the dumb fuck people in the first place!!! I was able to communicate with the monkeys (I'd bring them nuts and fruit and they would take turns taking it from me). But the main thing I miss the most (and have the most knowledge on) is the birds. Two of the ring necked lorikeets (they have a strange tongue Google it) they only eat nectar and liquids but when I did noises they would both dance (this was after about 3 weeks). They REALLY liked Linkin Park - When They Come For Me. Maybe because of the tribal drums but they would do head dances and do feet dances with their feet (alternate foot every 2/4 beat shifts).
The lemurs knew me as mango man - was their favorite. 5 of them. The aviary of 20+ birds also knew it was me when I came close - pistachios, peanuts and seeds. The African greys were the worst offenders - walking on the ground and pecking at my feet for food. They are like little killers on the ground for food.
Autistic people like systems and order but all that got thrown out the window and I don't have it anymore. Debt, no money - no point doing anything else. Feed the birds, do some art, play a game, that's it. I haven't cried for a few months but these last two weeks I've been having breakdowns - listen to Sleep Token lyrics feel like shit, listen to Linkin Park - hear Chester's voice and think he had all that and still did it - what chance do I stand? I learned to play keyboard and guitar in Spain as well. Also learnt how to false chord scream (like Chester) and I've got a good voice but can't do any of it now. No energy, bad diet, no money, no place, no work (and the ones that offer are complete twats - the kind who get a high off abusing people.
I keep thinking about my dog as well as she is breathing too heavy but she's only 10. 13/14 is when it's a sure thing but I'm trying everything I can with the saline solution and syringes to do flushes. Plus I massage her snout and frontal nose region to keep things lubricated and no build up of foreign bodies or clumps.
I have Crohn's, Tendinitis in both my wrists, and various mental disabilities. Early on in life I was bullied into masking by everyone around me, and got so good at it that at this point basically nobody believes that I'm disabled in any significant way.
I knew someone who had crohns (a guy). It's odd you say that as I'm very blunt so I asked why he was so skinny. He then told me it was crohns and that made sense. However some people can look more "healthy weight" and still have it even though it's an absorption issue. Tendinitis in wrists nobody would know - yeah that would be annoying.
Yeah as I said above I've stopped interacting with people. Even limit it with my parents - don't want conflict or screaming matches or stupid nonsense. Just done. Basically a piece of meat that's breathing and eating to stay here. Have to look after my dog. After that I don't know.
