I've been trying to end for awhile now but fears of botching any attempt, surviving and ending up permanently damaged stay my hand. Along with considerations regarding people around me.
Just this weekend I had a perfect opportunity to throw myself from a 150 foot height that would have all but guaranteed I succeeded. I was gripping the handrails, peering down to the bottom below, and my internal voice encouraged me not to think, just fling myself over because that's the hardest part, then afterwards it's all out of my control. The more I listened to this, the lighter I felt, liberated, as though I was on the precipice of being free. It got to where I had to mentally and physically pull myself away from the edge because if I stayed there I felt a gratifying sensation to jump. It became difficult to pull myself away from the edge. I think about how much it will hurt and that stops me too. But the feeling of freedom in the knowledge that I could escape and be done with all this suffering, be rid of this abortive life...it gave me confidence that I'm getting closer to achieving this goal in the future.
Lastly, there were people around me and the thought of traumatizing them along with tarnishing the reputation of the place I was visiting also stopped me.
Does anyone have any advice on how to just make the jump?
Just this weekend I had a perfect opportunity to throw myself from a 150 foot height that would have all but guaranteed I succeeded. I was gripping the handrails, peering down to the bottom below, and my internal voice encouraged me not to think, just fling myself over because that's the hardest part, then afterwards it's all out of my control. The more I listened to this, the lighter I felt, liberated, as though I was on the precipice of being free. It got to where I had to mentally and physically pull myself away from the edge because if I stayed there I felt a gratifying sensation to jump. It became difficult to pull myself away from the edge. I think about how much it will hurt and that stops me too. But the feeling of freedom in the knowledge that I could escape and be done with all this suffering, be rid of this abortive life...it gave me confidence that I'm getting closer to achieving this goal in the future.
Lastly, there were people around me and the thought of traumatizing them along with tarnishing the reputation of the place I was visiting also stopped me.
Does anyone have any advice on how to just make the jump?
