How do I tolerate being alive?

[Wolf Girl]

Heart is pounding. Stomach churning.

As I posted about before, this panic at being stuck here is increasing. Today it feels overwhelming. My medications are not helping enough.

I'm too afraid to ctb rn because I'm so thoroughly medicated. The medication make me think too much about what dying is like and the aftermath and I cannot do it. So I am stuck here and it terrifies me. It makes me want to tear my skin off.

THe only coping skill that seems to help me is dissociation. And it is quite helpful a lot of the time. Other times, the distress pulls me back to awareness. God, why can't I just die in my sleep?

 

[Fall_Apart]

I understand what you mean. I had the same problem in the past and luckily I became derealized/depersonalized for a few months, which saved me from going crazy. It seems like this is an automatic extreme defense mechanism. Sure it won't solve your problems but at least it will help you get through the crisis.

 

[tanshakti]

Heart is pounding. Stomach churning.

As I posted about before, this panic at being stuck here is increasing. Today it feels overwhelming. My medications are not helping enough.

I'm too afraid to ctb rn because I'm so thoroughly medicated. The medication make me think too much about what dying is like and the aftermath and I cannot do it. So I am stuck here and it terrifies me. It makes me want to tear my skin off.

THe only coping skill that seems to help me is dissociation. And it is quite helpful a lot of the time. Other times, the distress pulls me back to awareness. God, why can't I just die in my sleep?

I fell and relate to every word of your sentences , i pray every night this sadness and this suffering to bear alone is too much . thank you for writing this

 

[purplesky9]

Heart is pounding. Stomach churning.

As I posted about before, this panic at being stuck here is increasing. Today it feels overwhelming. My medications are not helping enough.

I'm too afraid to ctb rn because I'm so thoroughly medicated. The medication make me think too much about what dying is like and the aftermath and I cannot do it. So I am stuck here and it terrifies me. It makes me want to tear my skin off.

THe only coping skill that seems to help me is dissociation. And it is quite helpful a lot of the time. Other times, the distress pulls me back to awareness. God, why can't I just die in my sleep?

I understand this. It is horrible being stuck here. Sometimes I get the urge to stop taking my medication because of it. I can't dissociate though. What does that feel like. I too go to sleep and hope never too awaken.

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

I've been trying to figure out that same dilemma myself for 30 years. The only way to cope with being alive today is to become well adjusted to the insanity. For those of us that can't and won't do that. Idfk. But it is torture being here everyday.

 

[kunikuzushi]

The panic about being stuck here and having to live through another day is too much. I feel the same. I'm in and out of dissociation also. I wish I could choose when I dissociate because it's one of the only thing that helps like you said.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also just wish to never wake again, I understand finding it unbearable to suffer in this torturous existence, it's so dreadful to me how there's all this suffering, I hope you find the relief you search for.

 

[Rynalia]

Keeping expectations horrendously low, and sticking to a routine so monotonous that you can auto-pilot it even if half asleep.

Else, dissociation.

But when you end up dissociating so much to deal with life, what's even the point of living anymore? Dissociating isn't living, and by the time it takes up a large percentage of one's life, it's basically a double-edged sword. 0/10 don't recommend.