Life: you can’t fire me, I quit.
- Nov 23, 2020
Since my decision to CTB I can’t look people in the eye. I can’t look at people knowing what I know, when family talk about the future or plans for Christmas - I know it’s going to be our last one and they don’t, I’m trying my best to give everyone one last good Christmas but I feel so guilty. I’ve worked so hard at recovery and to get better and my mental health team don’t really understand why I’ve suddenly nosedived. I’m trying to tell them I’m okay but I’m not very convincing - my nurse keeps asking me why I can’t Look at her and why I’ve avoided looking at anyone for the past few weeks. I can’t look people in the face and lie. I’m lying about my risks and having a plan. I don’t need to worry too much about covering my back. Here in the UK, at least in my area, I’m not going to get sectioned and banded off to a psych ward even if I state I have a plan - they are very much of the opinion that you have capacity and can choose to take your life if you wish. I’m of course though still trying to hide all of that from everyone so no one knows. Not helped by my paranoia that if I make eye contact people will be able to read my mind. I don’t want to be acting all suspicious. I don’t want people to know what I’m planning. I want to spend quality time with people, give them a nice memory of me rather than leaving them thinking that they knew something wasn’t quite right and questioning whether they should’ve or could’ve done something. Anybody else the same? Any advice on how to get my shit together and put on a good show?