How do I not lose my mind?

[CouldaHvBeenARock]

I was doing fine till I got back on my depression medication and now I have fully relapsed. I am losing my mind cause I dont have access to any ctb method. I am considering rat poison(i know it not advised) but the only other option is full suspension and i am not mentally prepared for that. I wish I had access to SN/drugs(I have all the drugs for SN but for SN itself) but I dont. I really dont wanna get better so I am not telling anyone about how I am doing. I am hoping my suicidality gets worse so that i can prepare for FS

I have struggled with depression and anxiety for 5 years. I am so exhausted. I hope I can survive until I have access to FS but so far I just want to run away from how I am feeling.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so tired of suffering, I also feel so tired of it all but anyway I wish you the best, I hope that you find the relief you search for.