NSFW How Do I Lose The Fear?

[TerminallyBroken]

Hey everyone,
I want more than anything to CTB, but I'm stuck. My best friend already knows that I may leave for good soon and she's accepted it. She even considered saving up to get ghost hunting gear so she can talk to me once I cross over. However I told her not to because I was just joking. But still, we've discussed it and she says that whatever I decide, she loves me no matter what and she will be here with me always. There's just one problem though. The problem is that I can still feel almost ok for a quick moment here and there.

I still get little spurts of joy. Like when I'm playing my guitar for my friend and she knows every song. Or I eat a good meal, or maybe I watch a good movie or show. Or even the rare occasion that I actually accomplish something. It's moments like this that make me forget about CTB and almost make it unattractive. But of course, the pain always returns. All I have to do is open social media or the TV. Then there's the future. My DUI case is finally getting settled and I may be able to finally drive again. Part of my constant depression is being stuck at home in a city with a shitty transportation system. (Los Angeles, CA) unless you have a car, getting around in this city might as well be a journey across the country. I would like to able to drive legally one last time.

Then there's my love life. I haven't been with anyone in years and the agony of loneliness drives me crazy. I have met someone who I love deeply but I cannot date her at this time and even if I could, I run the risk of rejection which has almost taken me out several times prior since I last was with someone. I would die for just one last kiss, one last cuddle, one last night of great sex. But that's just a dream. Dating these days is too hard and people are so full of drama in this generation that it's not even worth it. But yet, it is, and I wanna stick around for it sorta.

I know that when I CTB, there IS no coming back. I can't just die for a day or two and come back or die and wait till the world changes a little and come back. It's either get busy living, or get busy dying. I wrote a list of 50 reasons I wanna CTB. But I will miss hearing good music, playing and performing good music for others, eating good food, having good sex, driving my car, and being with my chosen family. But I just feel that these things aren't enough to keep me here and the ratio of 6-50 is quite clear. I wish I had terminal cancer cause then everyone would feel sorry for me and know that I was dying. That way, my death wouldn't be as tragic and shocking or hurtful to anybody. I can be lazy, tired and sad but everyone will accept it because they know I'm sick. Everyone is gonna wanna send me love and be with me as much as possible because they know I'm dying. But that's no way to go.

I guess what I'm really saying is that when it comes down to it, I can change my life and I could if I truly tried. A part of me still wants to try, especially when I'm reminded of the things that still bring me faint joy in this shitty world. But I just can't anymore. I've tried to live up to society's expectations and I can't do it anymore. I've tried to be my own person and accept myself for who I am but I can't do that anymore either. I've tried this med and that med. I've tried this therapist and that therapist. I've tried this treatment and that treatment. Nothing works. I hate myself so much and I'm tired of seeing my stupid ugly face or hearing my stupid manly voice when I wish I was a girl. At some point, I have to know when to call it quits and admit defeat. Some battles just can't be won and I have to know when to surrender. But how? I miss my dad, my uncle, my dog. I want to meet God, if there is one and tell Him "Fuck you" for the life He gave me but at the same time thank Him for bringing me home. So how I do I stop being a pussy and just make peace with CTB?

 

[depressed_kitten97]

Hey friend,
I feel you. I feel the cancer thing. Everyday for the past 20 years or so, I've gone to bed praying I could have cancer and die. Thinking about the children who has cancer and wants to live and then there is me, physically healthy and wishing to die. Life is so unfair. I get it. It sucks.

I guess if there are moments you still feel joy, it may be because you still have something meaningful enough to keep you here. Part of me wants to tell you to hold onto these moments. I think things can turn out for the better.

But I get how hard it is, to get up in the morning and having to choose, every single day, to live. Because it sucks.

I'm sending you a lot of hope and love. I really hope things gets better for you. I don't know you, but I still know you deserve it.

Take care

 

[Michi_Violeta]

Reading this after writing my last will and testament today hit particularly hard because I genuinely think I feel what you're feeling. I offer you all my empathy, my understanding, and my support if you ever want to talk to vent or to gather the courage together so we can ctb. I could also change my life if I wanted to, just like you said, but it's too late: I have time, but no will; my heart is broken and so are my dreams; too many wounds to go on, too little hope to keep me going.

I know we all say it all the time on these forums, but I sincerely wish you find your peace.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

to me maybe just knowing that nothing matters. life is meaningless suffering . and we all will die anyway. what that we do will matter in 150 years, in 1000 years? in a 10,000 years? in a trillion years ? nothing. i see no purpose to life . nothing matters to me except avoiding unbearable pain and my suicide asap .

to me knowing that 1 micro second after my brain dies i will ceases to exist forever, the ultimate peace of forever non-existence . non-existence forever the only guarantee of never suffering extremely .

people have even told me i need to have children. wtaf ? why ? for what reason? there is no objective reason. and i would never want that ...

i know that people tell me i need to get a gf, a romantic relationship, friends, a family even children. Why do i have to get a gf or why do i have to live another minute? i wonder if ask them that what will they say? there is nothing they can say that will make me think that i need to do anything except kill these monstrous cell they call a human body they trapped me in

eternal non-existence is the only thing i want . permanent non-existence means all problems solved no pain no suffering no problems no bad memories ever . what could be better than that? nothing non-existence forever is the ultimate bliss.

i could never fear non-existence forever == Death

Think of the worst pain possible . non-existence is as good as that worst pain is bad which is life

There are no words to describe how much i detest living / life / existence / sentience .

 

[amomentspeace]

Have you thought about an instantaneous method like a firearm? I imagine it makes things easier since all you have to do is pull the trigger. Hope for the best for you

 

[TerminallyBroken]

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I do very often wish I had a gun but I'm not sure if my 5150's are up yet to reinstate my gun rights. Then there's my DUI. If convicted, that may prevent me from owning one as well. California is the strictest state in the nation with gun rights and carry licenses, not to mention DUI's. But yes, a gun would be ideal.

Then there's the issue of the ones left behind. My mom really puts a lot of pressure on me to keep living. Ever since my dad, (her husband) died, it's just me. I am an only child so she'd be all alone with no one. I can't just leave her all alone. It would break her to no end. My poor mom has suffered enough. But she doesn't know the pain I've felt. The pain of getting your heart broken by people you thought you could trust, fake friends, and childhood bullying that leaves scars that will never heal. It's tough, but I have no juice left in my will to live tank. I gotta decide the lesser of two evils you know?

 

[girlwitharose]

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I do very often wish I had a gun but I'm not sure if my 5150's are up yet to reinstate my gun rights. Then there's my DUI. If convicted, that may prevent me from owning one as well. California is the strictest state in the nation with gun rights and carry licenses, not to mention DUI's. But yes, a gun would be ideal.

Then there's the issue of the ones left behind. My mom really puts a lot of pressure on me to keep living. Ever since my dad, (her husband) died, it's just me. I am an only child so she'd be all alone with no one. I can't just leave her all alone. It would break her to no end. My poor mom has suffered enough. But she doesn't know the pain I've felt. The pain of getting your heart broken by people you thought you could trust, fake friends, and childhood bullying that leaves scars that will never heal. It's tough, but I have no juice left in my will to live tank. I gotta decide the lesser of two evils you know?

As difficult as it is, Id encourage you to stay. Even if it hurts, try. If you're feeling happy, those little reasons should be enough to keep you going at least one more day. Of course, I'm just an online person and my words are not to force you to stay here. I resonate. Whatever you decide, we will support you.

 

[TerminallyBroken]

As difficult as it is, Id encourage you to stay. Even if it hurts, try. If you're feeling happy, those little reasons should be enough to keep you going at least one more day. Of course, I'm just an online person and my words are not to force you to stay here. I resonate. Whatever you decide, we will support you.

I wish I could, but like I said, originally, 50 reasons and even more now, reasons to ctb, vs 6 reasons to live, is not motivating me. I wish it had been me instead of my dad who had died. I hate my life so much