Story How do I leave people behind

[felixwasabsurd]

There isn't much to this, I am a joyful person, I have a big group of friends a best friend and ever a partner that has been nothing but supportive of me keeping my thoughts and turmoil to myself without pushing. And yet I feel uncomfortable with living, I am in a constant state of anger depression or numbness, I hide it which makes it worst. Today one of my friends was describing each one of the group (first impressions and such) like we used to do back in middle school and highschool, it was fun until she got to me and went on and on about how much joy I bring how I make everyone laugh how I'm a great spirit and a shoulder to lean on…and it felt so wrong. It felt so wrong because I am not joyful and I feel like such a fraud, she's so kind and everyone I know is so very kind..but I've reached a point where despite the situation I'm in, despite the people I'm around, I will forever feel selfish because I know my mind I know what they will never have access to I know that if they knew about this website and account they would at best shun me and at worst commit me.

They are all so kind, I've known them all for so long I don't know how I could leave them. Pushing them away will put so much strain on my heart, and not pushing them away will only make me selfish.

The worst part will be leaving my cats
I've had the oldest for 10 years and the younger for 5 they're so annoying and they love me so much

I know I have no one who can take care of them.

I know I have no one to take care of my friends when I'm gone, I hope that they realize they don't need me.

I plan on committing suicide by the end of this year, I don't want to ruin my friends birthdays and turn them into something that would remind them of me. None of them have a January birthday
I hope that it's peaceful for me at least, I know it won't be for them but they will be happy in the end.

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that after all everybody has to leave everything behind someday but it must be a difficult situation to be in. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[felixwasabsurd]

I guess that after all everybody has to leave everything behind someday but it must be a difficult situation to be in. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

I do hope they all move on, it scares me to think they will feel at fault. I hope I write a note decent enough to make sure they feel no guilt
Thank you for the kind wishes.

 

[squareminus1]

There isn't much to this, I am a joyful person, I have a big group of friends a best friend and ever a partner that has been nothing but supportive of me keeping my thoughts and turmoil to myself without pushing. And yet I feel uncomfortable with living, I am in a constant state of anger depression or numbness, I hide it which makes it worst. Today one of my friends was describing each one of the group (first impressions and such) like we used to do back in middle school and highschool, it was fun until she got to me and went on and on about how much joy I bring how I make everyone laugh how I'm a great spirit and a shoulder to lean on…and it felt so wrong. It felt so wrong because I am not joyful and I feel like such a fraud, she's so kind and everyone I know is so very kind..but I've reached a point where despite the situation I'm in, despite the people I'm around, I will forever feel selfish because I know my mind I know what they will never have access to I know that if they knew about this website and account they would at best shun me and at worst commit me.

They are all so kind, I've known them all for so long I don't know how I could leave them. Pushing them away will put so much strain on my heart, and not pushing them away will only make me selfish.

The worst part will be leaving my cats
I've had the oldest for 10 years and the younger for 5 they're so annoying and they love me so much

I know I have no one who can take care of them.

I know I have no one to take care of my friends when I'm gone, I hope that they realize they don't need me.

I plan on committing suicide by the end of this year, I don't want to ruin my friends birthdays and turn them into something that would remind them of me. None of them have a January birthday
I hope that it's peaceful for me at least, I know it won't be for them but they will be happy in the end.

I really relate to this post, people that interact with me always seem to see me as pretty chill, and generally cool to be around. It's all not true and they just can't see what is wrong with me, I'll eventually hurt them, I hurt everyone.

Regardless of this it is hard to cbt with a support network that is like that. At the moment I am in university but I am trying my hardest ti save up money with a part time job. Once I have about £1500 saved (as in money I don't need to touch for daily purposes) I'm gonna try take it grdually out as cash. Once it's all out in cash I'm going to ditch my phone all my cards and just take a bag with some basic supplies and the cash. i'll see how far I can get then try sleep rough till I can find a place to stay (I'm gonna use like library computers to find this place), i'll put down a month of rent. Hopefully in this isolation after running away I can fully focus on killing myself. If I can't find a job I'l try see if I can get a job that'll pay me off the books (so they can't track me by my NI number(uk equivalent of a social security number I think)) and just live a life far away from all the things I'm likely to destroy.

If I can build up the courage though my plan is to just cbt I just really struggle due to my life being pretty crowded.

 

[SolomonKado]

Well, for the longest time I had been known to be very positive and supportive of others. People loved having me around. Always said I made their day easier. Especially at our job working in a prison. Where staff were the biggest concern and not the inmates. I'm not even talking about the ones who brought in drugs…

I would spend my nights ruminating about things that happened that day. Wether I said or did something wrong or how I was afraid to be around people because of the staff who made our lives harder. Wether they pissed off an inmate possibly causing that inmate to attack a good staff member or were hanging around supervisors so they didn't have to work.

Over time it weighed on me tremendously. It caused me to be an alcoholic, spending up to $800 a month on vodka after 10 years time, after a few years of being there.

I told myself over 14 years "it will get better" until I finally realized it was a lie. This year was my worst ever and it finally broke me. I ended up home after an accident at work because a supervisor pissed off an inmate.

After the injury basically healed I tried to go back to work and immediately started having panic attacks being around other staff. During all this the people who said they loved having me around and were supposedly supportive disappeared from my life. Leaving me alone for the last 5-6 months. I even became unemployed at the same time because the psych doctor couldn't release me to go back.

I wish I knew what real supportive people were like because it made the break worse. Before all this I never thought of CTB, but I'm becoming more and more comfortable with it and I even have everything I need and even a backup in case the first thing doesn't work. I even survived 8 years in the military and some ptsd, but never became an alcoholic until a few years working at a prison…

I'm sorry you feel the way you do and hope whatever you choose to do with your life you find your peace. We all deserve that.

 

[solblaze]

There isn't much to this, I am a joyful person, I have a big group of friends a best friend and ever a partner that has been nothing but supportive of me keeping my thoughts and turmoil to myself without pushing. And yet I feel uncomfortable with living, I am in a constant state of anger depression or numbness, I hide it which makes it worst. Today one of my friends was describing each one of the group (first impressions and such) like we used to do back in middle school and highschool, it was fun until she got to me and went on and on about how much joy I bring how I make everyone laugh how I'm a great spirit and a shoulder to lean on…and it felt so wrong. It felt so wrong because I am not joyful and I feel like such a fraud, she's so kind and everyone I know is so very kind..but I've reached a point where despite the situation I'm in, despite the people I'm around, I will forever feel selfish because I know my mind I know what they will never have access to I know that if they knew about this website and account they would at best shun me and at worst commit me.

They are all so kind, I've known them all for so long I don't know how I could leave them. Pushing them away will put so much strain on my heart, and not pushing them away will only make me selfish.

The worst part will be leaving my cats
I've had the oldest for 10 years and the younger for 5 they're so annoying and they love me so much

I know I have no one who can take care of them.

I know I have no one to take care of my friends when I'm gone, I hope that they realize they don't need me.

I plan on committing suicide by the end of this year, I don't want to ruin my friends birthdays and turn them into something that would remind them of me. None of them have a January birthday
I hope that it's peaceful for me at least, I know it won't be for them but they will be happy in the end.

I don't know how to extract individual sections yet so forgive me please.

I'm in the same exact situation as you, to a point it's scary. My ultimate plan is when my dog dies, I plan to ctb after him. It's hard man, living this fake persona that everyone things is this happy care free loving person, when all you can think is get me out of here. I give up my friend group when I got sober off meth years ago to get away from it. They were all friends from childhood, we all drank our first beer together, joint, then progressed to meth. I don't know how to meet new people to make new friends so all I have is my dog, and my wife, who dosent understand anything about feeling like I do. If you need someone whose in a similar situation shoot me a message, if that's a thing? I'm still new here so I'm still learning.
I'm a pest control technician, so I deal with different people and have to form close relationships with them to maintain their business, so I have to act as a personable, caring, happy to lucky guy and it gets so old.