how do i give up on being 'human'

[underairpressure]

i don't qualify as a human being. i never, ever have, but i still have this agonizing yearning, to be seen as one. i feel tortuously lonely and it tears me apart. so i cling to what little "humanity" i have in my life and in the eyes of others, getting occasional hugs from friends and having occasional chats. but my mental health is rapidly deteriorating, and once that illusion of being "human" is shattered......... once they all Know and can never see me the same way again........... i feel like i won't be able to go on living

i feel so disgusting, tricking all these people i care about, for my own selfish reasons. but no matter how hard i try, i can't let go, the loneliness is unbearable.

i thought maybe i could find peace, if i could just fully accept either living completely isolated, or becoming an Object existing only for other people to abuse, making myself useful without hurting anyone. my suffering comes from this horrid desire to be loved and seen as ""human"", so if i just let it go, i could be at peace..........

HOW, how do i let go? how do i give up? i can't keep suffering like this but no matter what i can't become a real person worthy of love, either.