Venting How do I deal with heartbreak

[anon7245]

It's been almost 9 months since my ex broke up with me. We were only together for a year and 11 months, and out of nowhere she sends me a lengthy paragraph explaining why she wants to leave me (with some flowery language to convince me it's better for both of us) and I took a few days to respond to process what was happening to me. And after I sent my own lengthy paragraph explaining why we should work through it she just continues to sell me this message she wants to leave so she can "grow" as a person, unwilling to even tell me face to face but over text. So I wait a couple weeks before trying to message her again that I want to meet and work things through and I could just tell immediately she had already gotten over the break up, and lacked any sortve feelings for me. I tried yet again in a month and a half later to work things through but was met with the same emotionless callous (I hadn't said anything inherently mean to cause this, other than anger at the lack of effort) to which I snapped and hoped she'd never find happiness for breaking my heart to which she rightfully blocked me on everything. But I felt bad for saying that, so once a month I'd send her letters expressing how sorry I was and still being open to rekindling any love. Until after she finally told me in February to stop sending her letters, so I did. Come to find out back in May she had found a partner already (at least during valentines probably before) and while I've been grueling through the ideas of either dealing with the situation in my own way, or simply accepting maybe she's better off without me and much happier with her new partner, I can't help but still want her back even after all this pain she's caused me. It's worse than any physical pain I can imagine. I've never loved anything in my life, at all. Not my family, not my friends, definitely not myself (although when my personality switches it may feel like a sense of appreciation for who I am) but she was the one thing I cared about, and I was thrown away and disregarded as nothing. She affirmed to me she wasn't cheating on me but who knows whether that was true or she had already started developing feelings for her current partner, none of that really matters I guess. I've thought about killing myself over it, but this was before I learned she had moved onto someone else, since I thought maybe I was the entire reason for this breakup. But looking back on how we both handled it, and reflecting on it, I definitely was a problem, but to see how she lied to me at the end and to completely not care about me despite "always going to have love for me" I can't help but wonder what is the proper way a normal-ish human deals with these type of scenarios? It makes me sick that I still would likely take her back if given the chance but I know it won't happen. I know this isn't really about my suicidal feelings but I have nowhere else to express this type of pain.

 

[Shinobu]

ngl i dont even know myself because im still dealing with it myself i just wish you luck bro

 

[anon7245]

ngl i dont even know myself because im still dealing with it myself i just wish you luck bro

Best of luck to you too bro

 

[dolemitedrums]

Time and new experiences. There are reasons to end it but for what it's worth...over a failed relationship of that length... I think it's the sort of thing you can overcome. Not trying to minimize the pain...but it's the kind that does pass.

 

[paska_paska]

Believe me, the pain does pass. Try to think of the situation from an outsider's perspective, that way you can see it logically (mostly) without the emotions involved. She hurt you, and has made it clear that she doesn't want to work things out. You deserve better than someone who would cheat on you and then just discard you. There is nothing wrong with you.
Try to get your mind off it by doing stuff you like and talk about the breakup with your loved ones. I hope it gets better for you <3

 

[lita-lassi]

theres no use thinking about whether they were unfaithful, they arent communicating and you wont get answers so all youre going to wind up with is a bunch of torturous "what-ifs". dedicate your mental real estate to fulfilling things: projects, learning, work, school, exercise goals, hobbies, new hobbies especially, try new shit, learn new shit, grow as a person, read a ton of books or articles, listen to video essays, work out harder to match the emotional agony, etc

point being it needs to be channeled somewhere. it's easier said than done, ofc, but baby steps man time will help eventually, but the more you do and the less you let yourself dwell, the better youll be. perhaps try saying out loud "its done and thats ok" when needed to help move onto the next thing. practice acceptance.

 

[anon7245]

Time and new experiences. There are reasons to end it but for what it's worth...over a failed relationship of that length... I think it's the sort of thing you can overcome. Not trying to minimize the pain...but it's the kind that does pass.

I wasn't very specific on the reasoning but yeah I understand it wouldn't be something worth doing, and I see that now it was just during the time a few months ago. But thank you for the input

theres no use thinking about whether they were unfaithful, they arent communicating and you wont get answers so all youre going to wind up with is a bunch of torturous "what-ifs". dedicate your mental real estate to fulfilling things: projects, learning, work, school, exercise goals, hobbies, new hobbies especially, try new shit, learn new shit, grow as a person, read a ton of books or articles, listen to video essays, work out harder to match the emotional agony, etc

point being it needs to be channeled somewhere. it's easier said than done, ofc, but baby steps man time will help eventually, but the more you do and the less you let yourself dwell, the better youll be. perhaps try saying out loud "its done and thats ok" when needed to help move onto the next thing. practice acceptance.

I agree, I was moreso stating my views as the months went by, where I always felt there was someone else she was talking to, but whether or not that was the case doesn't matter. Thank you for the help tho

 

[Z-A]

Had the same experience once, when I was 18. It feels like a betrayal, full of emotional pain. But it will pass. The memories might still haunt you sometimes, but that's normal since they can't just be erased. Try to distract yourself for now; the rest will come in time. Wishing you all the best.

 

[Alloutof_love]

Going through it right now too but with a 6 year relationship. I felt like it was out of nowhere for me, but seemed like she was thinking about it for awhile now. And here I am now thinking about CTB because the pain I feel is nothing compared to what I've felt before, even when I've had family members close to me pass away.

 

[anon7245]

Going through it right now too but with a 6 year relationship. I felt like it was out of nowhere for me, but seemed like she was thinking about it for awhile now. And here I am now thinking about CTB because the pain I feel is nothing compared to what I've felt before, even when I've had family members close to me pass away.

I know it sortve feels semi pathetic in my case since it wasn't even that long of a relationship and I'm pretty young and can obviously find love again, but I had lived pretty much my whole life with a severe lack of emotions and she was the first person to make any sortve emotions blossom inside of me. I feel better now because of the nice people here but I still don't think I'll ever be able to love someone as much as my first love again, it's ruined another relationship I had because I couldn't get over her.

 

[emptyenvelopes]

I'm in your same boat and it's terrible. That sense of loss used to wake me up in the middle of the night. Now it's just my constant companion. The hole in your heart never truly leaves. Taking Sam-E helped me a bit. It doesn't make me happier but when I take it in the morning, I feel like it pushes the grief down enough for me to get on with my day. They sell it over the counter at must drugstores but it is pricey.

 

[itsneverbeenmoreove]

Heartbreak is rough. I've been suicidal and depressed for most of my life, but I'd not really been thinking about it for awhile because of my relationship. However my partner of 8 years left me a couple weeks after our 8 year anniversary and that has really let everything I'd been dealing with come back. It might not be the healthiest thing to rely on a single person to give your life meaning, but she kind of did do that. She also managed to completely destroy my sense of self and any small amount of self esteem I had left by implying I was ugly, directly saying I had no future, telling me that everyone else in her life hates me and thought I was abusive, and reveals that she's had her eye on another "really hot and out of her league" guy for several months. She breaks up with me 2 days after telling me this, and starts dating him at the same time. In fact, I believe they were on a date when she told me. And then she proceeded to call me a physical abuser online, blocked me everywhere, cut me off from our pet photos album, and refused to pay me back the $2000 she owed me for paying off her credit card debt until I went through her parents who first accused me of kidnapping and extortion before relenting.

Also she made a public post about how she had marathon sex with her new boyfriend and how her ex (me) could never compare.

So yeah, the feelings from that aren't great. But honestly, idk if I'd feel justified in CTB over the pain and heartbreak there. Those are, as much as I hate to admit it, temporary feelings. What isn't temporary however, is that the world fucking sucks and the only reason I was putting in effort was my relationship with her. And the amount of time and effort it will take me to get to the place that I can potentially find meaning again just doesn't really seem worth it considering the way the future looks. I don't really have much interest in spending the next 5-10 years slowly recovering so that I can work a job that allows me to live in a way that allows me to work until climate change collapses the country in 20-30 years. I don't really want to live to work and I don't want to deal with the collapse of society that will almost certainly happen in my lifetime. I was willing to deal with that because I had meaning, but that's no longer the case! I am now free from the shackles of my ego and identity!