Help How do i deal with extreme guilt/ from ptsd?

[capi]

Everyday i wake up and have panic attacks. I have complex ptsd from someone yet I cant think but its my fault.

I feel like its my fault and my flashbacks are just me trying to prevent dealing with my own guilt on how i was wrong, and now i ruined my life because i dropped out of uni, because of the flashbacks, and being triggered. I feel like im just using flashbacks to justify myself. But at the same time it really did hurt me.

I just feel like everything is my own fault. Ive been amazing at school, ive tried so hard to deal with the abuse, and it became too much. and everyone is telling me im ruining my own life, because of my ptsd and how badly im coping with it, but at the same time im trying to do what i think is best for me

A lot of anti-guilt and shame affirmative stuff is really triggering for me too, as its exactly the mindset my abuser would tell themselves to make themselves feel better. And i dont want to be like him.

He dramatically altered the way i see the world and changed my entire psyche, and i genuinely suffered so much, but i keep thinking its my fault, because i did make mistakes, and maybe im reacting to my own problems instead of him.. i dont know.. his personality would be so nice and then neglectful and dismissive.

I feel like im going crazy. And i want to cbt, but i feel like im pathetic and its preventing me, because cbt as a bad person is just abandoning everything and accountability, like he did to me

 

[timf]

Shame and guilt can be useful if it helps us either to not do bad things again in the future or how to avoid bad people. However, once everything useful has been extracted from shame and guilt, holding on to it can be a type of self harm.

Self harm is often not accurately understood. It can give someone a feeling of control. It can even become a source of self-stimulation and addictive as drugs and alcohol.

In a way the abuse continues in a different form even if the original situation has been resolved. To break out of a routine that is becoming a prison, you might consider doing something periodically that is so different that it can be liberating like renting a bicycle for an afternoon, going roller skating, or watching a baseball game.

You can experiment with different ways to step out of a const5icting circle.

 

[mushi]

there's no cure for it unfortunately, but the general advice is:

-don't live with any abusive people. move out ASAP, live alone if possible, otherwise house share and isolate in your room
-try to get a non-abusive job (basically impossible)
-any kind of animal companion. there were cases where ptsd people recovered from working with horses. the co-nervous system regulation, allowing for company etc. they help with loneliness but don't trigger you
-soothing scents, diffusers, handcreams, "hugging yourself" or the butterfly tapping to mimic being held, soothing music. sleep medications if possible (you can't get the heavy stuff if you're young but there's melatonin and some over the counter antihistamines that induce drowsiness"
-physical sensations, cold showers, ice cubes etc can shock the body out of a panic attack. an old psych told me to breathe into a paper bag (?) there's research that higher c02 slows the body down or something like that.
-sunshine walking food, etc etc
-anti anxiety meds

generally panic attacks happen from some kind of trigger. so that might be critical/negative self talk, or something in your life is triggering you.

they fucking suck, i'm sorry you're going through it