how do I choose when?

[justameatsuit]

I just don't know when. I know ctb is the only option for me, that life will be constant pain and punishment. Even having to make this choice is punishment..
I have a lot of pets and disabled family members and I'm the only one working outside the home
How do I leave them all in such a terrible way? I know they'll all hurt and be sad.. I feel like they'll get over it but idk. It's just a lot of weight trying to figure out how to not hurt their feelings
I tell my family all the time I'm dissatisfied, unhappy, unfulfilled, that they aren't enough because one day they'll die anyway and Ill be left with no one, maybe my brother who's also disabled and doesn't even like me anyway..
There's just no place for me in this world, not really. I mean, animals LOVE me .. but they're the only ones .. it feels horrible knowing someone of my own species could never love me and that romantic love is completely off the table for me .. I just don't know how to go. Of course I just feel like such a coward. I want to get it over with and go but how can I when everyone is relying on me? Just need me here to do meaningless tasks forever... God I hate it . Please help. What can I do?

 

[2percent]

I sympathise with you. I also care for what feels like a disproportionate of dis- and less-abled family members. I think with fewer children being born, more and more young adults will find themselves as caretakers for multiple people.

I'd like to ask - what are the attitudes of the people you care for and support? Do they take your labour as something foregone, ungratefully? Or do they make you feel loved and cared for on some level, in return? I think no matter the situation, someone who is receiving care and support should at least have the attitude of gratitude. Parents have coerced care from their children for millenia, but in a modern society that garners taxes for social supports, the burden on the individual should be lessened somewhat, at least theoretically.

The decision is ultimately yours, but if I were in your position I would consider cutting off or lessening support to individuals who make you feel that they 'don't even like you' or 'someone of [your] own species could never love [you]'. I would also try to examine or lessen that latter belief - being able to support and care for others is itself a lovable quality - to say nothing of the other multitudes that you contain or may one day contain, you beautiful human!

To address your initial question; my strategy has been to slowly remove barriers for myself over a period of many years. Every year on my birthday I ask myself if the last year was worth living, or if I would have preferred not to have lived it. If the answer is the latter, I proceed to do something to make it easier to CTB. For example, when I was 28 I drew up multiple CTB plans and did a cost-benefit analysis to determine which would best suit my needs. When I was 29 I drew up and notarised my will. When I was 30 I got my firearms license etc. Each of these will lessen the amount of strain you will need to be under to finally 'pull the trigger', but in such a way that it was 'earned' by your extended suffering. This also provides the benefit of an overarching goal; daily toil is much harder to bear when it feels like you're not working towards anything, just living paycheque-to-paycheque with no change year-to-year.

In your case, if possible, maybe consider ensuring supports are available for those you care for after you gone, perhaps through a minimal trust or provisions in your will? Hold on to your pets as long as possible so long as they bring you joy - but consider finding new loving homes for them eventually, if possible.

My point is - one day the forces within me pushing towards CTB will finally overcome the forces pushing me away. I won't have to make the decision painfully, it will simply be time. I will have a bad enough day, I will be in enough pain, I will find myself sufficiently devoid of joy or pleasure. And I will bear no guilt over it because I will have been prepared.

I wish you the best and sincerely hope your circumstances improve. I hope you receive love and appreciation from those in your life. I hope that food satisfies your hunger, drink satisfies your thirst, and that the sun and rain warm and cleanse, rather than ablate and drown.