Discussion How did you spend Christmas, while being suicidal?

[Taki]

I'm good at hiding my depression so no one knows.

I'm one of those people who appears happy on the outside but on the inside feels soulless and dead like a black hole.

I hear you.
I spent most of the day alone, then went to McDonalds. Holy fuck was that ever a sad fucking thing to do, though totally in keeping with my life.

A friend came over later and we watched a (bad) movie. Later we caught up and he talked about his heartache over his ex-boyfriend. I felt bad for him and avoided his questions about how I was. Later he said, "you seem happy," and I thought, "there's a rope and a door anchor in my bedroom, and I'm going to rehearse after you leave. I hate being alive." Off to do it now.

 

[realjunes]

Stayed in my room per usual. My sister always visits us on holidays & I always try to stay out of sight as much as I can. I love her & do enjoy seeing her but I usually try to hide in my room when she's around. I've always felt less than compared to her & I usually feel awkward because I'm a different person when around her in front of our parents. Because of this, the fact that I would have to open my gift in front of them without having a gift for any of them, & feeling lower than ever, I fought with idea of going down there to say hi & hug her even though I know it's the last time that I'm going to see her... But she actually came up to my room to give me my present & a hug... She rarely comes up but she actually came up today... I gave her a big, loving hug & tried my best to act like I was okay. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to hug my parents before I ctb without arousing suspicion but I used that as motivation to go down & give them both a hug!!! Under the guise of "the spirit of Christmas"!

She does have a way of bringing the happy side of me out. She's awesome... I got to hug them all... Fucking life... SMH.

Dear Time.
What a wonderful and sad story, at the same time. Thank you for telling it. It reminds me of a time when family members came to my home to "help" a dark on going terrible situation. But whether they meant to be oblivious to suffering or whether they just didn't know what to do or say to comfort (and, really, who does), it was a miserable week. Stayed in room, with them a door away. It is a wonderful and memorable event for you that your sister did not give into "thinking" about things it seems, but allowed love to bring her to you and that love and support, in turn, motivated you to embrace your parents in a natural way. This had to be a huge relief to you in the moment. Dare we call it a Christmas miracle, at least figuratively? A small but wonderful moment for you and I issue a silent appreciation for the truly loving people like your sister who provide some warmth to the soul. On this forum I have observed your kind support for others, and I thank you for adding to the collaborative give and take of support for each other on this forum. You are significant here.

 

[Xebsora29]

Fighting. I spent it fighting for the sake of my family so I don't ruin this holiday for them in the future.

Damn. That was part of me as well, my friend. Me as well.

 

[can'tdoitanymore]

I spent it with family. Trying to act as normally as I could while both jealous and sad. Maybe jealous isn't the right word. I am happy for them that they are all able to lead a happy, normal life and probably can't even fathom how I feel and just wish that I had that and sad that my only option is to CTB to end the pain.

 

[Xebsora29]

Drinking and watching movies about people with cancer dying (I recently had my prostate cancer come back for the 2nd time, girlfriend could not deal and left), The Fault in Our Stars and Me Earl and the Dying Girl. This day was one of the hardest I had to go through. I am a guy and all I seem to do is cry.

At the cancer center I met so many people that the most important people in their lives left. Why is this? What is wrong with people on this earth?

Prostate cancer, hope everything sincerely works out for you. Also, theres nothing wrong being a guy and crying out your emotions, absolutely nothing. Cry it out, vent it out, release the thoughts you have. You said you had a hard day, one of the hardest you dealt with. If you need to talk, send me a message. I'm here. I might not be equipped with the best knowledge, but I'm always down to be that individual who listens. I know how it feels like when theres no one who understands your situation. Hope you feel better.

 

[sadeyes]

Perhaps it's due to my depression, lack of energy, or self-destructive thoughts, but I was not feeling the Christmas spirit this time. Typically I'll spend it with my family but being surrounded by them while having these thoughts, prompt me to take a step back. It appears that most of my siblings are quite aware of my mental state, so I'm attempting to avoid all cost of confrontation with those that I haven't conversed with. It's also just being in my hometown to be quite honest here. Too much memories, recollections, and events that lead to adversity and distress for me. Maybe it's due to that fear of persecution, or simply being around them knowing that they are aware of my circumstances.

Anyways I've been laying in bed throughout the day, reading books and watching films as the hours of Christmas spirit tick by. What about you?

im watching the movie "night, mother" have you seen it?

 

[Taki]

im watching the movie "night, mother" have you seen it?

Brutal film.

 

[realjunes]

Brutal film.

Is that with Sissy Spacek? If so, yes, it is so impactful!

 

[Xebsora29]

im watching the movie "night, mother" have you seen it?

Unfortunately, I haven't seen it. I did however research it just now and an interesting storyline it is. Seems that it discusses suicidal issues and how a mother can hopefully overturn her daughter's ambition to CTB. Not aware on how it ends, however finding meaning and understanding on the basis of living isn't quite simple and easy. I wonder how it plays out. Will possibly check it this film.

 

[realjunes]

Unfortunately, I haven't seen it. I did however research it just now and an interesting storyline it is. Seems that it discusses suicidal issues and how a mother can hopefully overturn her daughter's ambition to CTB. Not aware on how it ends, however finding meaning and understanding on the basis of living isn't quite simple and easy. I wonder how it plays out. Will possibly check it this film.

It is a very artful but real life meaningful film. Actually, the mother figure is more like real life, oblivious of her daughters despair. I think it is a great film, but probably only really deeply appreciated by folks like SS members.

 

[Flume]

I made a track which I later on scrapped beacuse it was hell to producde and sounded like shit.

 

[realjunes]

I made a track which I later on scrapped beacuse it was hell to producde and sounded like shit.

A t

I made a track which I later on scrapped beacuse it was hell to producde and sounded like shit.

What kind of track? I respect your own intuition, but you could share a bit with the least judgmental group im the world on this forum, if you wish. I sure accept it was hard to produce, because I know nothing about that but it looks very hard. What matter is you are working on it. What sort of sound are you going for?

 

[sadeyes]

Unfortunately, I haven't seen it. I did however research it just now and an interesting storyline it is. Seems that it discusses suicidal issues and how a mother can hopefully overturn her daughter's ambition to CTB. Not aware on how it ends, however finding meaning and understanding on the basis of living isn't quite simple and easy. I wonder how it plays out. Will possibly check it this film.

you should. i dont think it really preaches at you either way

 

[Flume]

A t


What kind of track? I respect your own intuition, but you could share a bit with the least judgmental group im the world on this forum, if you wish. I sure accept it was hard to produce, because I know nothing about that but it looks very hard. What matter is you are working on it. What sort of sound are you going for?

I look more mysterious and cool if I don't tell you so I'll do that.

 

[realjunes]

I look more mysterious and cool if I don't tell you so I'll do that.

I look more mysterious and cool if I don't tell you so I'll do that.

Yes, you are now more cool and mysterious indeed.

 

[k75]

It was my first Christmas alone, and I cried and slept most of the day. I'm safe if I'm sleeping, and I wanted to just forget about everything. Then I ate dinner and a friend called and had me watch A Christmas Story on the phone with her. I'm glad it's over and I made it through. Although, tomorrow won't be any better.

 

[Time]

Dear Time.
What a wonderful and sad story, at the same time. Thank you for telling it. It reminds me of a time when family members came to my home to "help" a dark on going terrible situation. But whether they meant to be oblivious to suffering or whether they just didn't know what to do or say to comfort (and, really, who does), it was a miserable week. Stayed in room, with them a door away. It is a wonderful and memorable event for you that your sister did not give into "thinking" about things it seems, but allowed love to bring her to you and that love and support, in turn, motivated you to embrace your parents in a natural way. This had to be a huge relief to you in the moment. Dare we call it a Christmas miracle, at least figuratively? A small but wonderful moment for you and I issue a silent appreciation for the truly loving people like your sister who provide some warmth to the soul. On this forum I have observed your kind support for others, and I thank you for adding to the collaborative give and take of support for each other on this forum. You are significant here.

Hey, realjunes. I'm sorry to hear about your week. It can be awkward when people want to help but don't know what to do.
Thanks, it was beautiful & funny how it all came together. It'll mean so much more when I'm gone & I'm very thankful for that... And, yeah, I have a loving family that I'm grateful for & I'll miss you very much.
Thanks for the kind words. They mean a lot to me. I feel the same about you. Your post are always very kind & thoughtful. We need you.

 

[freedommatrix]

I spent most of my time alone in bed with a few extra Xanax and I hung out on here some and with my dog.


I really feel this. I miss being a kid (age 12 and under). Ignorance was bliss. I miss how happy I was at Christmas despite my family fighting and yelling. Everything truly was more simple.

I wouldn't say so personally. I don't think ignorance really is bliss because eventually you'll be punched in the face by life harder than if you were simply told the truth about the harshness of life.

 

[Elekrel]

It's been a slow year, creeping up: christmas. The past year has gone smoothly without any troubles before my depression hit hard in August. Cost me my relationship, my job and my finances.

I spent the day hanging out with my sister and brothers. Trying to be quiet and keep to myself for the past few days. It's the first Christmas in my hometown in a few years. Very uneventful, expect for driving into the ditch.. but heck

The past few years, it's been difficult to get into the hoilday spirit. Even within the past five years. I havent cried or really talked to anyone about my intentions of suicide or how I still have those thoughts.

As per "journeytogo" stated: My will to live is being cannibalized by depression. I agree with this and I cant help to feel depressed and sad.

 

[Berlin76]

Just hoping the end comes fast and just trying to let times go by fast by eating etc

 

[hatelife]

Drinking and watching movies about people with cancer dying (I recently had my prostate cancer come back for the 2nd time, girlfriend could not deal and left), The Fault in Our Stars and Me Earl and the Dying Girl. This day was one of the hardest I had to go through. I am a guy and all I seem to do is cry.

At the cancer center I met so many people that the most important people in their lives left. Why is this? What is wrong with people on this earth?

ppl are fucking terrible, she left what b
no such thing as love too, only love your kids and try to love yourself
lonliness kills ppl it really does, it the major part of me wanting to die, also my intrusive thoughts and hairloss too, Im on my 4th ect treatment and still no better only more energy to kill myself

 

[TAW122]

Things are still generally same as usual, I don't talk about it IRL. I am currently still passively suicidal, meaning that I see life as a burden and that it sucks, but not enough to want to check out or CTB anytime soon. You could consider it just 'coping' in a sense, but of course, if there is a sudden life change for the worse, then I may CTB sooner than later.

 

[hatelife]

spent it like my last one, promised myself no more painful enduring another sad summer, hoped for a miracle from God but not sure anymore, I think soon if nothing changes, things have sadly took a turn for worse now, im super scared to die and go to hell though, thats whats stopping me, but I cant sense but feel that this might meant to be somehow, like im meant to kill myself at 31 or 32. I got the weird sensation today that u know princess märthas ex husband killed himself on christmas day this year but I thought somehow it had already happened last year. Brain feels like one big harddrive, where everything already happened, its strange feeling after ect, forgot alot of things, cant remember alot in last months.

 

[Rdc]

Alone and drinking. Watched YouTube, twitch, and surfed the internet to kill the time.

 

[hatelife]

Alone and drinking. Watched YouTube, twitch, and surfed the internet to kill the time.

lonliness really does kill doesnt it, I was walking today with my mom and was shopping for my soon to be born niece, and thinking how great my brothers life turned out to be, he is with the love of his life and having a baby girl soon, soo jealous I dont have his life a husband and a baby girl. I feel like this is never going to happen and how can I have babies with my mental illness, its just so unfair everything.

 

[Lil_Intro_Vert]

dissociated and tried to enjoy the day as much as i could, but it felt very short lived and i was back to being a void pretty quick
i'm not as bad as i was last christmas, but i'm back on this site so i'm not doing great either lol

 

[mediocre]

I slept through most of it. Glad it's over. Next is New Year's I hope that goes by quickly too.

 

[Tapuh]

I have really bad social anxiety and i try my hardest to spend time with her and her family. I really do. But it doesn't seem like it is enough for her. when i talk she complaints, and when I don't she complaints even more. So I have coped by being in bed and crying. I havent really been feeling my best lately and when she said we were going to get some food for me I got happy. As silly as it sounds, going to the shop with her was the highlight of the day. But she left without me, and I may have overreacted. So to calm myself down I decided to go out and get the butter she had forgotten. I didnt think it was such a big deal but she got sad, and her family heard her cry and now I have spent more money than I have on train tickets.
Tldr: got into a fight with my girlfriend and her family kicked me out.

 

[Skyview]

spent it like my last one, promised myself no more painful enduring another sad summer, hoped for a miracle from God but not sure anymore, I think soon if nothing changes, things have sadly took a turn for worse now, im super scared to die and go to hell though, thats whats stopping me, but I cant sense but feel that this might meant to be somehow, like im meant to kill myself at 31 or 32. I got the weird sensation today that u know princess märthas ex husband killed himself on christmas day this year but I thought somehow it had already happened last year. Brain feels like one big harddrive, where everything already happened, its strange feeling after ect, forgot alot of things, cant remember alot in last months.

There is a name for this effect , some syndrome which for the life of me I cannot remember , it's not a conspiracy theory , people have actually read about some event months before it happened .

 

[Mr2005]

At my girlfriends. I'm lucky to have one after the disaster that was her birthday. They come round too fast and I realise another years gone by and I'm still here and nothings got better. Nothings ever going to get better. I can't even spare two days a year to think of someone else, how bad is that? Been struggling for several days now. Don't know how many I've been here but I just want to go home and smoke some weed. Escape to my happy place. Not happy but content. In my bubble where I can pretend nothing else matters. How long I can keep doing that for I don't know. I don't want to see 2020 for at least another ten years but it's that or die. I don't think my SN's going to get here by new year. I just hope my neighbour gets back soon so I can get some weed. I know this stuff is time off for most people but for me it's work. I found out he'd gone away several days before christmas and didn't even know if I'd make it to christmas without rage taking over